Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Choices

Commitment Times Three

The problem I face confuses many of us. How do we love someone who is no longer with us? For me, it is easy. Jan and I had a unique love as we shared a portion of the soul of the other. Our love was able to combine our souls and produce an unbreakable bond. Would we have stayed together for almost 48 years without that?

From day one, she had three opportunities to choose a different life. Each time she decided to stay with me, it was a clear sign of her love and commitment.

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Love is Forever

We all have choices that can change our lives for better or worse, depending on how we decide. Jan had three opportunities to confirm our love for each other, and each time she selected me!
Mike and Lilah-Rae-Rae

Welcoming Mike!

Today our youngest son turned 36! The night before he was born, Jan and I monitored the contractions. As they intensified, I suggested we call the midwife, and Jan kept saying no, “Not yet, we have time!”

I finally insisted. When we arrived at Methodist Hospital, the staff moved Jan to the birthing room, and Mike arrived within twenty minutes.

They handed him to me, and I kissed his forehead and then reached over and kissed Jan as I transferred our son into her arms. That morning’s love that filled the birthing room was enough to light up all of Brooklyn!

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Time Confusion

Time Plays a Game With Me

Why is time confusing me? Jan and I had 2,477 weeks and one day together. All of that has now been crunched and digitized into 0’s and 1’s.

All of our memories now fit on a thumb drive smaller than my pinkie fingernail.

At times it seems as if our last kiss was five nanoseconds ago. More often, each day feels like a year since she graced my life with happiness.

How can all my memories shrink compared to the last 22 weeks? Oh, how I wish I could relive each moment of our life together.

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ADLA

Activities of Daily Living Alone

After five months, it seems safe to say that I have mastered the Activities of Daily Living Alone (ADLA). I can clean the house, do laundry, shop, cook, shower, etc.  I have checked all of the boxes.

I can live alone. But is this living?

There is a difference between managing the ADLA and living. Without Jan, the daily tasks are merely checklists. With her, our love and support provided us the foundation upon which we lived lives worth living. If I were to live as old as Methuselah, I would always miss the life I shared with Jan.

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Fast Eating

Dining with Friends

Fast eating has destroyed my appetite. I have avoided the plague of fast eating three times in the last week, once with friends from the bereavement groups and twice with friends. They were all charming, and the opportunity to eat slowly and converse with others was always a joy. To believe that a few slow meals would reverse the emptiness of fast eating was a foolish dream.

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Fast Eating

Recently, I have noticed that I devour my meals, even though I have never been a fan of fast food. I miss having my dear companion, Jan, by my side during mealtimes.

I rushed through my meals and cleaned up more efficiently without Jan. Unfortunately, I am left with nothing but the lonely hours of the night as my companion.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Choices
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Mike and Lilah-Rae-Rae
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Time Confusion
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The Book of V

Read: October 2021

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The Book of V

by Anna Solomon

The Book of V by Anna Solomon is a book that I may not have read at another time in my life, and I did find it to be a book that I could not stop reading.

Goodreads summarizes its plot.

Anna Solomon’s kaleidoscopic novel intertwines the lives of a Brooklyn mother in 2016, a senator’s wife in 1970s Washington, D.C., and the Bible’s Queen Esther, whose stories of sex, power and desire overlap and ultimately converge—showing how women’s roles have and have not changed over thousands of years.

Being Jewish, I knew the story of Queen Esther, although this version added new layers of the story that I did not know. The book’s illumination that women’s roles have not changed over thousands of years was something I knew but did not fully understand.

The three characters are very vivid and weave a story that is worth reading.

Lily is a mother and a daughter. And a second wife. And a writer, maybe? Or she was going to be, before she had children. Now, in her rented Brooklyn apartment, she’s grappling with her sexual and intellectual desires while also trying to manage her roles as a mother and a wife.

Vivian Barr seems to be the perfect political wife, dedicated to helping her charismatic and ambitious husband find success in Watergate-era Washington D.C. But one night he demands a humiliating favor, and her refusal to obey changes the course of her life—along with the lives of others.

Esther is a fiercely independent young woman in ancient Persia, where she and her uncle’s tribe live a tenuous existence outside the palace walls. When an innocent mistake results in devastating consequences for her people, she is offered up as a sacrifice to please the king, in the hopes that she will save them all.

I recommend this book.

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ADLA
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Jan Lilien
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Fast Eating
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More Than Enough

Read: April 2026

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More Than Enough

by Anna Quindlen

In “More Than Enough,” Anna Quindlen demonstrates her trademark warmth, humor, and insight as she delves into how our relationships shape our identities. The story follows a woman who, after receiving surprising results from an ancestry test, begins to question the true meaning of family and friendship. This wise and tender novel, filled with vibrant life, comes from the bestselling author of “After Annie.”

No one knows you like your book club.

High school English teacher Polly Goodman can talk about everything and anything with the women in her book club, which is why they’ve become her closest friends and, along with her veterinarian husband, the bedrock of her life. Her students, her fraught relationship with her mother, her struggles with IVF—Polly’s book club friends have heard about it all.

But when they give Polly an ancestry test kit as a joke, the results match her with a stranger. It is clear to Polly that this match is a mistake, but still she cannot help but comb through her family history for answers. Then, when it seems that the book club circle of four will become three, Polly learns how friendships can change your life in the most profound ways.


Anna Quindlen is the author of numerous books, including the #1 New York Times bestselling novel “Rise and Shine”, the bestselling memoir “Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake“, and the acclaimed guide “A Short Guide to a Happy Life“. She is also the author of the Oprah’s Book Club selection “Black and Blue“. Additionally, her other novels include “Blessings“, “One True Thing”. “Still Life with Bread Crumbs,” and “After Annie“.



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A Sovereign People: The Crises of the 1790s and the Birth of American Nationalism

Read: February 2019

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A Sovereign People: The Crises of the 1790s and the Birth of American Nationalism

by Carol Berkin

A Sovereign People: The Crises of the 1790s and the Birth of American Nationalism by Carol Berkin, Presidential Professor American Colonial and Revolutionary History; Women’s History Professor at Baruch College, focuses on four crises in the first decade. Most historians view these are part of the early partisan debates in America.

Professor Berkin takes a different perspective. She focuses on how the Whiskey Rebellion, the Genet Affair, the XYZ Affair, and the Alien and Sedition Acts helped build nationalism. Despite the partisan divisions, both sides could find solutions that helped America survive its first decade. The failure to resolve anyone of these could have doomed America to failure.

The Federalists – Washington, Hamilton, and Adams – were the leaders of that first decade and managed the successive crisis of sovereignty.

A Sovereign People is one of four books from my first One Day University class.

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Cloud Atlas: A Novel

Read: September 2024

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Cloud Atlas: A Novel

by David Mitchell

Today, I started reading Cloud Atlas: A Novel by David Mitchell, one of The New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the 21st Century. Cloud Atlas begins in 1850 with Adam Ewing, an American notary, voyaging from the Chatham Isles to his home in California. Ewing is befriended by a physician, Dr. Goose, who begins treating him for a rare species of brain parasite.

The novel careens, with dazzling virtuosity, to Belgium in 1931, the West Coast in the 1970s, an inglorious present-day England, a Korean superstate of the near future where neo-capitalism has run amok, and, finally, a postapocalyptic Iron Age Hawaii in the last days of history. But the story doesn’t end even there. What sets Cloud Atlas apart is its unique narrative structure, which boomerangs back through centuries and space, returning by the same route, in reverse, to its starting point. This journey reveals how the disparate characters connect, how their fates intertwine, and how their souls drift across time like clouds across the sky.

As wild as a video game, as mysterious as a Zen koan, Cloud Atlas is an unforgettable tour de force that, like its incomparable author, has transcended its cult classic status to become a worldwide phenomenon. The novel’s diverse settings and cultures, from 1850 Chatham Isles to a postapocalyptic Iron Age Hawaii, appeal to readers across the globe, offering a rich and varied reading experience.

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The Sorrow Apartments

Read: June 2024

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The Sorrow Apartments

by Andrea Cohen

Today, I explored “The Sorrow Apartments,” the eighth collection of poems by poet Andrea Cohen. Renowned poet Christian Wiman accurately describes Cohen’s work as a “cumulative force,” showcasing her deep attention, genuine intelligence, and soul. Cohen’s distinctive talents are featured in this collection, complemented by her characteristic sly humor, unwavering conciseness, and surprising moments of profound wisdom.

It’s astonishing how swiftly Cohen transports us:

Bunker

What would I
think, coming

up after
my world

had evaporated?
I’d wish

I were water.

The Sorrow Apartments house a collection of sparse and haunting poetry, each piece a captivating narrative of mystery, grief, and awe. These poems transport us not just across time but also through a spectrum of emotions. Cohen’s unique approach to illumination is evident in “Acapulco,” where an unanticipated companion muses, “as men tend to, / the stars comprising Orion’s belt — / as if it were the lustrous sparks and not / the leveling dark that connects us.” For a poet often deemed unfashionable, Cohen’s work proves that unfashionable can be beautiful.

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Bluff: Poems

Read: December 2024

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Bluff: Poems

by Danez Smith

Today, I began reading Bluff: Poems by Danez Smith, which was selected as one of The New York Times 100 Notable Books of 2024. This collection emerged after two years of artistic silence, during which the world slowed due to the COVID-19 pandemic, and Minneapolis became the epicenter of protests following the murder of George Floyd. In Bluff, Danez Smith powerfully reflects on their role and responsibilities as a poet and their connection to their hometown of the Twin Cities.

This book addresses the awakening from violence, guilt, shame, and critical pessimism to a sense of wonder, envisioning how we might strive for a new existence in a world that seems to be descending into desolate futures.

Smith infuses these poems with a startling urgency; their questions demand a new language, deep self-scrutiny, and virtuosic textual shapes. A series of ars poetica gives way to “anti-poetica” and “ars America,” implicating poetry in collusion with unchecked capitalism. A photographic collage builds across a sequence, illustrating the consequences of America’s acceptance of mass shootings. Additionally, a brilliant long poem—part map, part annotation, part visual argument—offers the history of Saint Paul’s vibrant Rondo neighborhood before and after officials decided to route an interstate directly through it.

Bluff is a manifesto of artistic resilience, even when time feels fleeting and the places we hold dear—both given and created—are in turmoil. In this powerful collection, Smith turns to honesty, hope, rage, and imagination to envision possible futures.



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Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories

Read: December 2022

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Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories

by Meng Jin

Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories by Meng Jin was written during the turbulent years of the Trump administration and the first year of the pandemic, these stories explore intimacy and isolation, coming of age, and coming to terms with the repercussions of past mistakes, fraying relationships, and surprising moments of connection. I highly recommend Self-Portrait with Ghost: Short Stories!

Each story speaks so clearly to the loneliness epidemic that confronts our world. I would read one short story and promise to stop and wait until another day to read the next one. Instead

One phrase that will always remain with me is: “The hallucinatory quality of grief.” As a widow, the phrase struck a chord that will forever resonate in my soul.

This is the seventy-third book I have read this year.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Meng Jin’s critically acclaimed debut novel, Little Gods, was praised as “spectacular and emotionally polyphonic (Omar El-Akkad, BookPage), “powerful” (Washington Post), and “meticulously observed, daringly imagined” (Claire Messud). Jin turns her considerable talents into short fiction in ten thematically linked stories.

Moving between San Francisco and China, and from unsparing realism to genre-bending delight, Self-Portrait with Ghost considers what it means to live in an age of heightened self-consciousness, seemingly unlimited access to knowledge, and little actual power.

Page-turning, thought-provoking, and wholly unique, Self-Portrait with Ghost further establishes Meng Jin as a writer who “reminds us that possible explanations in our universe are as varied as the beings who populate it” (Paris Review).


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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