Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala

I Will Never Leave You!

Jan Lilien and Richard Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975

Jan Lilien and Richard Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975

A few moments before the alarm on my Apple Watch went off, I woke in a cold sweat.

I had heard Jan’s voice asking me again why I had stayed with her after the cancer diagnosis.

“A lot of people abandon their love ones when they have cancer,” she said emphatically.

My response always was that I would never leave her.

When she was in a better mood, she would always say.

I could not have managed my cancer fight without your love and support.

If I could have asked Jan one last question, it would be why did she think I would leave her because she had cancer.

I loved her, and I still love her. Love never dies!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Feather in the Water

A Feather on the Water

A Feather on the Water by Lindsay Jayne Ashford is an excellent historical fiction of the post-was era fr displaced people. I highly recommend it. The tagline reads, "for three women in postwar Germany, 1945 is a time of hope—lost and found." I have always enjoyed historical fiction, and A Feather on the Water seemed like a perfect choice.

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Coincidental or a Sign from Jan?

Coincidental or a Sign From Jan?

April Showers Set the Stage for Jan's Birthday

Artwork graciously provided by Emi Sato.

Jan and I lived in Teaneck for twenty years and raised our sons.

Yesterday after a score of years, I was in Temple Emeth in Teaneck.

I was there to attend a funeral for the mother of one of my new widow friends. It was a lovely and moving service and an honor to be able to participate and support a fellow widow.

Life, as we know, is full of signs from our loved ones.

Driving home on the Parkway from the funeral, I was behind a truck for a company called Jan Fence.

At first, I did not notice as I was thinking of the beautiful funeral service.

Once I focused on the pickup truck, it reminded me that the love Jan and I shared would never die!


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Family Watching Solar Eclipse

Finding Memories While Packing

Nick, Wes and MikeAlthough I am not moving from 3D to 3B until the last day of July, I am packing up books and tableware so that my current apartment can be partially painted and a new kitchen floor installed.

Books were and still are important to me. Jan and I enjoyed reading and sharing books with others.

As I cleaned out the bookcases, I found a note from Jan about her plans to write letters to her family if CAR-T had failed.

She wrote that the letter to me would be,

To tell Richard how much I love him and what he has meant to me for almost fifty years.

It brought tears to my eyes, not because I was surprised by her language but because it reminded me that our love would never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan’s Love Was Transformative

While I still feel the pain of her absence, I can share her love with others and positively impact their lives.

The love Jan and I shared will always be a part of me and will never die.

Elyssa and Wes

Sharing Jan’s Love With Wes Jude!

Wes Jude

Yesterday, when I looked into Wes’s eyes, it calmed my soul, including the portion of Jan’s that I still have.

Every time I kissed Wes Jude, I kissed him twice. Once for me and once for Jan.

At Jan’s celebration of life, I promised Elyssa and Mike that I would love him as much as two paternal grandparents so that he would always know Jan’s love.

Sharing Jan’s love with Wes Jude is like breathing; it is automatic, unconditional, and forever!

My promise that day is one I can never break because Wes Jude will never know grandma Jan except thru my love for him.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Happy Birthday, Wes Jude Nucero!

Jude, the middle name, honors Jan, the love of my life, Mike's mom, and Wes's grandmother. It also shows her love of music, especially The Beatles and Hey Jude.

God, in her infinite and divine wisdom, had Wes Jude born fourteen months after Jan died. Wes Jude's birth on this day is a true blessing for Jan, Jude, and our family.

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Wes I Love You!

Happy Birthday, Wes Jude Nucero!

We

On Sunday, July 3, 2022, at 2:33 pm or 14:33 hours, we welcomed Wes Jude Nucero into the world!

Wes Jude weighed 7 pounds and was 19.25 inches long!

His mother, Elyssa, is doing well, and Mike is showering Elyssa and Wes with love and support.

In the Jewish faith, we name children after a deceased family member.

Jude, the middle name, honors Jan, the love of my life, Mike’s mom, and Wes’s grandmother. It also shows her love of music, especially The Beatles and Hey Jude.

God, in her infinite and divine wisdom, had Wes Jude born fourteen months after Jan died. Wes Jude’s birth on this day is a true blessing for Jan, Jude, and our family.

To honor Jan and Wes, please consider making a tax-deductible donation to The Jan Lilien Education Fund, which sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs.

May Wes Jude be blessed today and every day!

May God make you like Ephraim and Manasseh.
May God bless you and keep you.
May God shine His face on you and be gracious to you.
May God turn His face toward you and grant you peace.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Jan Loved Being a Mom and Grandma

To be a good grandparent, one needs first to learn how to be a good parent. Jan learned those skills like she did everything else in life with gusto. Jan was always willing to do anything and everything to help Jon and Mike. When she came home from the hospital for hospice care, both boys […]

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Fourteen Months Without Jan!

Fourteen Months Without Jan!

Jan in Lake EireOn most days, I believe it has only been fourteen minutes since Jan, the love of my life, died; but it has been fourteen months.  

Life without Jan will never be easy, but my love grows more potent each day despite losing time and space dimensions. 

Every day, I help others who have suffered loss, as it helps me manage the unbearable burden of grief. 

I participate in my groups and therapy with the enthusiasm of a child. 

Andrew Huberman’s Lab Podcast on The Science and Process of Healing from Grief has helped me understand the neuroscience of grief. I’m not sure I know how it works, but it has helped me. 

Our love will never cease regardless of my grief journey’s days, months, and years. 


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Loving Jan More to Minimize Grief

Thirteen months into my grief journey, I watched Andrew Huberman’s Lab Podcast on The Science and Process of Healing from Grief. I had avoided focusing on neuroscience in the initial year after Jan died.  In retrospect, I should have listened to this podcast sooner.  Dr. Huberman explains the three dimensions of relationships and the need […]

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Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala
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A Feather in the Water

Read: July 2022

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A Feather on the Water

by Lindsay Jayne Ashford

A Feather on the Water by Lindsay Jayne Ashford is an excellent historical fiction of the post-was era for displaced people. I highly recommend it. The tagline reads, “for three women in postwar Germany, 1945 is a time of hope—lost and found.” I have always enjoyed historical fiction, and A Feather on the Water seemed like a perfect choice.

The opening paragraphs confirmed my decision, as Martha, one of the three women, escapes from her abusive husband in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Martha and the two other characters, Delphine and Kitty, come to life with Ms. Ashford’s gifted pen.

Like a feather in the water, our lives continue despite the trials and tribulations we must confront.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Just weeks after World War II ends, three women from different corners of the world arrive in Germany to run a displaced-persons camp. They long to help rebuild shattered lives—including their own.

For Martha, going to Germany provides an opportunity to escape Brooklyn and a violent marriage. Arriving from England is orphaned Kitty. She hopes working at the camp will bring her closer to her parents, last seen before the war began. For Delphine, Paris has been a city of ghosts after her husband and son died in Dachau. Working at the camp is her chance to find meaning again by helping other victims of Hitler’s regime.

Charged with the care of more than two thousand camp residents, Martha, Delphine, and Kitty draw on each other’s strength to endure and to give hope when all seems lost. Among these strangers and survivors, they might find the love and closure they need to heal their hearts and leave their troubled pasts behind.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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Coincidental or a Sign from Jan?
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Family Watching Solar Eclipse
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Elyssa and Wes
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Wes I Love You!
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Fourteen Months Without Jan!
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Hey, Zoey

Read: June 2024

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Hey, Zoey: A Novel

by Sarah Crossan

Today, I enjoyed immersing myself in the captivating and thought-provoking world of Sarah Crossan‘s novel ‘Hey, Zoey.’ As Sarah Dunn eloquently puts it, this book is a masterful blend of brilliance and dark humor. The story revolves around Dolores O’Shea, whose life turns surprising when she discovers her husband’s AI sex doll, Zoey, in the garage.

A profound and heartfelt journey of self-discovery unfolds for Dolores as she and ‘Zoey‘ develop an unconventional bond, unearthing deeply buried emotions and memories. Dolores O’Shea, a 43-year-old woman, is a beacon of strength, juggling her job, ailing mother, and social life with remarkable efficiency.

Her marriage with an anesthesiologist, David, is in turmoil, but she’s determined to confront the issues. Her world is completely upended when she uncovers Zoey, the $8,000 AI sex doll that David had been concealing in the garage. At first, Dolores’ response to Zoey is a whirlwind of anger and confusion, throwing her meticulously organized life into chaos.

As the narrative unfolds, Dolores and Zoey embark on a series of conversations that unearth unexpected emotions and memories, profoundly influencing all of Dolores’ relationships, particularly her relationship with herself. Dolores’ journey is a rollercoaster of events and emotions that resonates with us all. ‘Hey, Zoey‘ is a novel that enthralls and challenges our perception of modern-day connections and the diverse forms that love can assume in a lifetime.

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Isola

Read: May 2025

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Isola: A Novel

by Allegra Goodman

Set against the backdrop of the sixteenth century, Allegra Goodman‘s Isola brings to life the gripping saga of a remarkable woman’s fight for survival. Journey with Marguerite as she battles the harsh realities of being marooned on a desolate island in the Gulf of St. Lawrence, in the heart of New France, because she dared to love the wrong man, leading her to this lonely exile.

Heir to a fortune, Marguerite is destined for a life of prosperity and gentility. However, her world is turned upside down when she becomes an orphan. Her guardian, an enigmatic and unpredictable man, squanders her inheritance and insists she accompany him on an expedition to New France. The journey takes an unexpected turn when Marguerite is accused of betrayal, leading to her brutal punishment and abandonment on a small island.

Once a child of privilege, adorned in gowns and pearls, Marguerite now finds herself at the mercy of nature. As the weather changes and the island becomes blanketed in ice, she uncovers a faith she never knew she needed.


Allegra Goodman is the author of six novels, including the national bestseller Sam, a Read with Jenna selection; two short story collections; and a book for young readers. Her fiction has appeared in The New Yorker and elsewhere, and has been anthologized in The O. Henry Awards and Best American Short Stories. She lives with her family in Cambridge, Massachusetts.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!

Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


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The Safekeep: A Novel

Read: July 2025

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The Safekeep: A Novel

by Yael van der Wouden

A house is a treasured possession, and “The Safekeep,” a debut novel by Yael van der Wouden, presents a gripping story of desire, suspicion, and obsession between two women staying in the same house in the Dutch countryside during the summer of 1961. The novel provides a profound exploration of the legacy of World War II and the darker elements of our shared history.

It is 1961, and the rural Dutch province of Overijssel is quiet. Bomb craters have become lakes, buildings have been repaired or rebuilt, and the war is truly over. Living alone in her late mother’s country home, Isabel knows her life is as it should be—led by routine and discipline. But all is upended when her brother Louis brings his graceless new girlfriend Eva, leaving her at Isabel’s doorstep as a guest, to stay for the season.

Eva is the complete opposite of Isabel: she sleeps late, stomps around the house, and handles things she shouldn’t. In response, Isabel becomes increasingly obsessed and furious, especially as items begin to go missing around the house—a spoon, a knife, a bowl. As her suspicions grow, Isabel’s paranoia eventually leads to infatuation, culminating in a revelation that shatters everything she has ever known. It seems that the war might not truly be over, and neither Eva—nor the house they inhabit—is what they appear to be.

For my house will be called a house of devotion for all,” in Isaiah 56:7, serves as a closing that reminds us that a house not open to all is not a home.


Yael van der Wouden is a writer and a teacher. The Safekeep, her debut novel, was a finalist for the 2024 Booker Prize and has been longlisted for the 2025 Aspen Words Literary Prize. It was also named a New York Times Notable Book of the Year and a best book of the year by The Washington Post, Time, The Economist, Kirkus Reviews, The Times (London), The Independent, BookPage, and others. She lives in Utrecht, Netherlands.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!

Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


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The Bully Pulpit

Read: October 2019

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The Bully Pulpit

by Doris Kearns Goodwin

The Bully Pulpit by Doris Kearns Goodwin is a history of the first decade of the Progressive era told by focusing on the intense friendship of Theodore Roosevelt and William Howard Taft.

Although I had read many books about Theodore Roosevelt, I had limited knowledge about Taft until I read this book. Reading about their friendship and its eventual collapse helped me to understand both of these presidents and the times in which they lived in a way I had not understood previously.

The Bully Pulpit is also the story of the muckraking press, which arouses the spirit of reform that helps Roosevelt push the government to shed its laissez-faire attitude toward robber barons, corrupt politicians, and corporate exploiters of our natural resources. The muckrakers are portrayed through the greatest group of journalists ever assembled at one magazine—Ida Tarbell, Ray Stannard Baker, Lincoln Steffens, and William Allen White—teamed under the mercurial genius of publisher S. S. McClure.

Goodwin’s narrative is founded upon a wealth of primary materials. The correspondence of more than four hundred letters between Roosevelt and Taft begins in their early thirties and ends only months before Roosevelt’s death. Edith Roosevelt and Nellie Taft kept diaries. The muckrakers wrote hundreds of letters to one another, kept journals, and wrote their memoirs. The letters of Captain Archie Butt, who served as a personal aide to both Roosevelt and Taft, provide an intimate view of both men.

I recommend this book without reservations.

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The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

Read: August 2024

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The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

by Junot Diaz

Today, I started reading Junot Diaz‘s The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, one of The New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the Century. The book also won a Pulitzer Prize. Oscar is a sweet but disastrously overweight ghetto nerd who—from the New Jersey home he shares with his old-world mother and rebellious sister—dreams of becoming the Dominican J.R.R. Tolkien and, most of all, finding love.

But Oscar may never get what he wants. Blame the fukú—a curse that has haunted Oscar’s family for generations, following them on their epic journey from Santo Domingo to the USA. Encapsulating Dominican-American history, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao opens our eyes to an astonishing vision of the contemporary American experience. It explores the endless human capacity to persevere—and risk it all—in the name of love.

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The Book of V

Read: October 2021

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The Book of V

by Anna Solomon

The Book of V by Anna Solomon is a book that I may not have read at another time in my life, and I did find it to be a book that I could not stop reading.

Goodreads summarizes its plot.

Anna Solomon’s kaleidoscopic novel intertwines the lives of a Brooklyn mother in 2016, a senator’s wife in 1970s Washington, D.C., and the Bible’s Queen Esther, whose stories of sex, power and desire overlap and ultimately converge—showing how women’s roles have and have not changed over thousands of years.

Being Jewish, I knew the story of Queen Esther, although this version added new layers of the story that I did not know. The book’s illumination that women’s roles have not changed over thousands of years was something I knew but did not fully understand.

The three characters are very vivid and weave a story that is worth reading.

Lily is a mother and a daughter. And a second wife. And a writer, maybe? Or she was going to be, before she had children. Now, in her rented Brooklyn apartment, she’s grappling with her sexual and intellectual desires while also trying to manage her roles as a mother and a wife.

Vivian Barr seems to be the perfect political wife, dedicated to helping her charismatic and ambitious husband find success in Watergate-era Washington D.C. But one night he demands a humiliating favor, and her refusal to obey changes the course of her life—along with the lives of others.

Esther is a fiercely independent young woman in ancient Persia, where she and her uncle’s tribe live a tenuous existence outside the palace walls. When an innocent mistake results in devastating consequences for her people, she is offered up as a sacrifice to please the king, in the hopes that she will save them all.

I recommend this book.

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