Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Healing from Greif

Loving Jan More to Minimize Grief

Jan, the love of my lifeThirteen months into my grief journey, I watched Andrew Huberman’s Lab Podcast on The Science and Process of Healing from Grief. I had avoided focusing on neuroscience in the initial year after Jan died. 

In retrospect, I should have listened to this podcast sooner. 

Dr. Huberman explains the three dimensions of relationships and the need to remap them during grief.

The three dimensions are:

  1. Emotional attachment
  2. Time and
  3. Space

During the Flower Show, I was momentarily able to strengthen my emotional attachment to Jan while remapping the time and space dimensions. I knew that Jan was with me. However, I was not looking for her or expecting her to walk into the flower show. 

I will be working on remapping my brain for years, but I felt I was making progress for one day. 


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Love Never Dies

Sharing Jan’s Love Newsletter June Issue is Online!

Jan, the love of my lifeThe June issue includes articles on Wedding Roadblocks and Shadows from the Past – both are stories about our love, faith, and family journey.

I have reviewed recent books:

  1. Anxious People by Fredrik Backman,
  2. Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel,
  3. The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab, and
  4. The Brighter the Light by Mary Ellen Taylor.

Please consider making a Donation to The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Enjoy this issue and share it with anyone who might be interested.


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Sharing Jan’s Love May Issue is Online!

Sharing Jan's Love Newsletter May Issue is Online! The May issue includes articles on:
Beauty in my Heart During Grief

Beauty in My Heart During Grief

Jon, Jan, and MikeDuring my visit to the Philadelphia Flower Show this week, one of the gold medal flower exhibits referenced the Blaise Pascal quote.

In difficult times, carry something beautiful in your heart.

I have always tried to remember to carry something beautiful in my heart, but it can be challenging to accomplish during grief.

Wednesday at the Flower Show, I found that I could simultaneously carry two beautiful images in my heart and mind. 

One was of all the beautiful flowers.

The other was almost fifty years of beautiful, loving memories of Jan

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

Merrit Malloy, Epitaph


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Flower Show Memories

As Jan and I walked into the Convention Center on March 1, 2019, to attend the Philadelphia Flower Show, we breathed in Spring despite Jan's aversion to pollen.

We never contemplated that we would ever attend another flower show together.

In 2020, Jan was too sick, and with the pending arrival of COVID, it was not safe for her to travel.

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Flower Show With Friends

Flower Show 2022 With Friends

My new wingsJan and I always enjoyed the Philadelphia Flower Show. During hospice, Jan encouraged me to go. I drove to Philly alone but could not attend due to fire and rain; I successfully participated this year with my good friends Ron and Deborah.

Fellow widows have warned me how difficult it is to be an extra when socializing with a couple. I did not feel any anxiety.

We enjoyed the Flower Show, dinners, and long conversations about grief and walked under the strawberry moon’s beam. We are planning other social events and looking forward to next year’s Flower Show.

Jan was with me on every step I took during the Flower Show. The love we shared will never die; it will only grow stronger daily!


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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Flower Show Memories

As Jan and I walked into the Convention Center on March 1, 2019, to attend the Philadelphia Flower Show, we breathed in Spring despite Jan's aversion to pollen.

We never contemplated that we would ever attend another flower show together.

In 2020, Jan was too sick, and with the pending arrival of COVID, it was not safe for her to travel.

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Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

Fire and Rain Couldn’t Dampen My Love!

Jan LilienOn June 7-9 last year, I was at the Philadelphia Flower Show by myself.

It was not easy five weeks after Jan died, but I needed to travel alone to the show.

Jan and I are members of the Pennsylvania Horticultural Society (PHS) and have attended the flower show almost every year for decades.

We believed that Jan would recover from her cancer, so we had planned to attend before her death. During hospice, she encouraged me to go with family members.

I made the journey but could not attend the event due to thunderstorms.

Today, I will attend the 2021 Philadelphia Flower Show. Will I be more fortunate this year?


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When you buy a book or product using a link on this page, I receive a commission. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

Flower Show Memories

Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

As Jan and I walked into the Convention Center on March 1, 2019, to attend the Philadelphia Flower Show, we breathed in Spring despite Jan’s aversion to pollen.

We never contemplated that we would ever attend another flower show together.

In 2020, Jan was too sick, and with the pending arrival of COVID, it was not safe for her to travel.

In 2021 it was held outdoors five weeks after Jan died. I drove on my own to Philadelphia, but heavy rain, wind, and thunder kept me from attending.

Today, I am traveling with two good friends to attend the 2021 Philadelphia Flower Show. It won’t be easy to participate without Jan, but I know she will still be with me.


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Reluctantly Home

Reluctantly Home

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark is about dealing with the past—and finally facing the future- it was appealing to me. Thirteen months into my grief journey, I live between a perfect past and an unknowable future. Will Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark assist me in managing these two worlds? Surprisingly, it did.

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Healing from Greif
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Love Never Dies
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Beauty in my Heart During Grief
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Flower Show With Friends
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Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019
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Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019
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Reluctantly Home

Read: June 2022

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Reluctantly Home

by Imogen Clark

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark is about dealing with the past—and finally facing the future-a topic that was appealing to me. Thirteen months into my grief journey, I live between a perfect past and an unknowable future. Will Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark help me manage these two worlds?

Surprisingly it did. Unlike the two protagonists, I am mourning losing Jan, the love of my life. However, the neuromapping in my brain made it impossible to understand how to continue to love Jan and separate that from the time and space connections that made me believe she would return at any moment.

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark helped me understand that grief should and cannot define us forever. I recommend this book to all readers, not only those on a grief journey like mine.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Pip Appleby seems to have it all, with her prestigious job as a human rights lawyer and her enviable London home. But then a tragic accident stops her life in its tracks, and everything changes instantly. Retreating to her family’s rural farm and the humble origins she has been trying to hide, Pip is haunted by what she has done.

When she discovers the diary of actress Evelyn Mountcastle in a box of old books, Pip revels in the opportunity to lose herself in someone else’s life rather than focus on the disaster that is her own. But soon, she sees parallels—Evelyn’s life was also beset by tragedy, and, like Pip, she returned to Southwold under a dark cloud.

When Pip and Evelyn’s paths cross in real life, they slowly begin to reveal the hidden stories holding them back. Can they help each other forgive what happened in the past and, perhaps, find happiness in the future?


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Life After Life

Read: August 2024

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Life After Life

by Kate Atkinson

Today, I embarked on the journey of Kate Atkinson‘s ‘Life After Life,’ a novel that has secured its place among The New York Times 100 Best Books of the Century. The book presents a unique and thought-provoking premise: What if you could live multiple lives until you found the perfect one? With its darkly comic, startlingly poignant, and utterly original narrative, it’s a testament to Kate Atkinson‘s unparalleled storytelling prowess.

The story unfolds in a unique narrative structure, beginning on a cold and snowy night in 1910 when Ursula Todd is born to an English banker and his wife. She dies before drawing her first breath. However, on that same night, Ursula Todd is born again, lets out a loud cry, and starts a life that will be pretty unusual. As she grows up, she also dies repeatedly in various ways while the young century moves inexorably toward its second cataclysmic world war.

Could Ursula’s seemingly endless life be the key to altering the world’s inevitable destiny? The prospect is both thrilling and hopeful. Yet, the question lingers – if she possesses this power, will she choose to wield it?

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The Slip

Read: December 2025

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The Slip: A Novel

by Lucas Schaefer

The Slip” is the debut novel by Lucas Schaefer, telling a compelling American story about a missing teenage boy, themes of fluid and mistaken identity, and the transformative power of boxing. Navigating the ever-changing landscape of a shifting country, “The Slip” offers an audacious and daring exploration of sex and race in America. The narrative builds to an unforgettable climax in the center of the ring.

This novel is the winner of the Kirkus Prize for 2025  and one of The New York Times Book Review’s 100 Notable Books of 2025, as well as one of The Washington Post’s 10 Best Books of 2025.

Austin, Texas: It’s the summer of 1998, and there’s a new face on the scene at Terry Tucker’s Boxing Gym. Sixteen-year-old Nathaniel Rothstein has never felt comfortable in his own skin, but under the tutelage of a swaggering, Haitian-born ex-fighter named David Dalice, he begins to come into his own. Even the boy’s slightly stoned uncle, Bob Alexander, who is supposed to be watching him for the summer, notices the change. Nathaniel is happier, more confident, and even tanner. Then one night, he vanishes, leaving little trace behind.

Across the city, Charles Rex, now going simply by “X,” has been undergoing a teenage transformation of his own, trolling the phone sex hotline that his mother works, seeking an outlet for everything that feels wrong about his body, looking for intimacy and acceptance in a culture that denies him both. As a surprising and unlikely romance blooms, X feels, for a moment, like he might have found the safety he’s been searching for. But it’s never that simple.

More than a decade later, Nathaniel’s uncle Bob receives a shocking tip, propelling him to open his own investigation into his nephew’s disappearance. The resulting search involves gymgoers past and present, including a down-on-his-luck twin and his opportunistic brother; a rookie cop determined to prove herself; and Alexis Cepeda, a promising lightweight who crossed the US-Mexico border when he was only fourteen, carrying a license bearing the wrong name and face.


Lucas Schaefer lives with his family in Austin. The Slip is his first novel.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


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The New Wilderness

Read: October 2021

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The New Wilderness

by Diane Cook

The New Wilderness by Diane Cook. The New Wilderness is a timely book and one that resonated with me. When Jan and I met in 1973, it was a revolutionary time with movements encouraging communes and returning to the farm. Neither Jan nor I were interested in living in a commune. Reading this book helped reassure me that we made the correct choice.

The summary of the book is:

Margaret Atwood meets Miranda July in this wildly imaginative debut novel of a mother’s battle to save her daughter in a world ravaged by climate change; A prescient and suspenseful book from the author of the acclaimed story collection, Man V. Nature.

Bea’s five-year-old daughter, Agnes, is slowly wasting away, consumed by the smog and pollution of the overdeveloped metropolis that most of the population now calls home. If they stay in the city, Agnes will die. There is only one alternative: the Wilderness State, the last swath of untouched, protected land, where people have always been forbidden. Until now.

Bea, Agnes, and eighteen others volunteer to live in the Wilderness State, guinea pigs in an experiment to see if humans can exist in nature without destroying it. Living as nomadic hunter-gatherers, they slowly and painfully learn to survive in an unpredictable, dangerous land, bickering and battling for power and control as they betray and save one another. But as Agnes embraces the wild freedom of this new existence, Bea realizes that saving her daughter’s life means losing her in a different way. The farther they get from civilization, the more their bond is tested in astonishing and heartbreaking ways.

At once a blazing lament of our contempt for nature and a deeply humane portrayal of motherhood and what it means to be human, The New Wilderness is an extraordinary novel from a one-of-a-kind literary force.

When I finished this book, I read Pompeii Still Has Buried Secrets by  in The New Yorker. It reminded me of all of the threats to civilization that we face, who will be Pliny the Younger to be “the only surviving eyewitness account of the disaster.” Fleeing our cities for the wilderness is no longer an option!

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This Is Not About Us

Read: February 2026

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This Is Not About Us

by Allegra Goodman

In This Is Not About Us, master storyteller Allegra Goodman—who received praise for her previous collection in the Boston Globe as “one of the most astute and engaging books about American family life“—explores familiar themes and styles that have captivated countless readers. The New York Times has listed it as one of “The Novels Everyone Will Be Talking About in 2026.”

When their beloved sister passes away, Sylvia and Helen Rubinstein are unmoored. A misunderstanding about apple cake turns into a decade of stubborn silence. Busy with their own lives—divorces, dating, career setbacks, college applications, bat mitzvahs, and ballet recitals—their children do not want to get involved. As for their grandchildren? Impossible.

Sharply observed and laced with humor, This Is Not About Us is a story of growing up and growing old, the weight of parental expectations, and the complex connection between sisters—a big-hearted book about the love that binds a family across generations.


Allegra Goodman is the author of seven novels, including the national bestseller Isola, selected as a Reese’s Book Club pick. She has also written two collections of short stories and a novel for young readers. Her fiction has appeared in The New Yorker and elsewhere, and anthologized in The O. Henry Awards and Best American Short Stories. She lives with her family in Cambridge, Massachusetts.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


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The Exhibitionist: A Novel

Read: July 2023

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The Exhibitionist: A Novel

by Charlotte Mendelson

I began reading Charlotte Mendelson‘s novel, The Exhibitionist, today. The book tells the story of Lucia and Ray, two artists whose marriage starts to fall apart over a weekend. It explores themes such as art, sacrifice, family dynamics, queer desire, and personal freedom. Charlotte Mendelson has created yet another exceptional novel with The Exhibitionist, ranked as the year’s novel by The Times of London, and described as “furiously funny.”

The Hanrahan family is coming together for an important weekend. Ray Hanrahan, a well-known artist with a big ego, is preparing for his first exhibition in many years. His eldest daughter, Leah, is his biggest supporter. His son, Patrick, has decided to pursue his own path. His youngest daughter, Jess, has a big decision to make. Ray’s wife, Lucia, is also an artist but has always prioritized her roles as a wife and mother. She is keeping secrets of her own and must decide which desires to pursue as the weekend progresses and the exhibition approaches.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Brawler: Stories

Read: March 2026

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Brawler: Stories

by Lauren Groff

In “Brawler: Stories,” Lauren Groff presents an electric collection in which each story stands as a powerful triumph—bold, agile, and intensely charged. When read together, these stories resonate in an exhilarating way. Spanning from the 1950s to the present and encompassing diverse ages, social classes, and regions—from New England to Florida and California—these nine stories reflect and explore a common theme: the ongoing struggle between the darker and lighter aspects of human nature.

“In every human being, there exists both an animal and a god, locked in a struggle for dominance,” one character tells us. Among those caught in this conflict are a young woman who suddenly becomes responsible for her disabled sibling, a hot-tempered high school swimmer in need of guidance, a mother grappling with the loss of her family, and a banking heir burdened by a different kind of inheritance. Motivated by love and hindered by the well-meaning intentions of others, they strive to do the right thing for as long as possible.

Brawler is precise, surprising, and thought-provoking, offering deep insights into human nature. It reveals the heartbreaking turning points between love and fear, compassion and violence, reason and instinct, altruism and the will to survive.


Lauren Groff is a three-time National Book Award finalist and the bestselling author of five novels, including Fates and Furies, Matrix, and The Vaster Wilds, as well as two story collections, including Florida. She has won The Story Prize and the Joyce Carol Oates Prize, and she has been a finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award. Groff’s work frequently appears in prestigious publications such as The New Yorker and The Atlantic, and her books have been translated into 36 languages. She lives in Gainesville, Florida, where she and her husband own the independent bookstore The Lynx.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Supporting these selections not only helps me continue to provide you with personalized recommendations but also ensures you have access to meaningful stories that enrich your life. Your support truly makes a difference in helping me share more books and insights with you!


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