Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Advocating by Walking for NJ’s Children!

Giving Every Child A Chance to Grow Up Safe, Healthy, and Educated

Advocating by Walking for NJ's Children!

Steve Clayton, me, and Catherine Felegi, two of my friends who work for ACNJ before the Advocates for Children of New Jersey’s First Race!

Despite NJ still being in a heat emergency, I walked 5K (3.1 miles) this morning to support Advocates for Children of New Jersey‘s First Race!

It was hot and humid, but there was no better place to be than with fellow advocates who believe every child needs a chance to grow up safe, healthy, and educated.

Advocates for Children of New Jersey is one of the dozens of non-profits Jan and I have supported as donors and volunteers.

Advocates for Children of New Jersey (ACNJ) works with local, state, and federal leaders to identify and implement changes that will benefit New Jersey’s children.

As I walked around the Orange Reservoir, I remembered taking an abbreviated walk with Jan in the final months of her life.

As much as I miss Jan, I knew I was fulfilling our commitment to Tikun Olam by walking today.

Our work to repair the world and our love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Wind in Our Hair, Dreams in Our Hearts!

On August 9, 1975, Jan and I were married on the outdoor terrace of a nineteenth-floor apartment at 7 West 86th Street in NYC. As we said our vows and exchanged wedding rings at sunset, we looked over Central Park as twilight descended. As we aged, there were moments when we forgot, as Khalil Gibran […]
Saying Yes to a Future With Jan

Chosen Family Minimizes My Grief!

Wendy, Anne and Sue at Celebrate Jan Day!

Photo courtesy of Neeru and Asish Patel.

In my experience, chosen families have been a crucial part of my journey through grief. Although the loss of Jan was devastating, I have found comfort in the support of these communities.

As Melissa Kirsch wrote in The NY Times, chosen families are often created outside the traditional nuclear family structure and have become my source of love and support.

From grief support groups to my faith community and my circle of friends, I am grateful for the interconnectedness of these communities. They have become my chosen family, and I depend on them just as they count on me. Through it all, I have learned that love never dies.


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My Chosen Family Helps Me Manage Grief

Family is and always will be crucial to my health and welfare. I love my two sons, their wives, and my two grandsons. However, I have also benefited from being part of a chosen family.
Flying Alone to Camp Widow

Almost Unpacked But No Space Left

Jan LilienBoth of the moves to 29 Alden were about right-sizing our living space and nudging us to choose what we needed.

When Jan and I moved into apartment 3D, we could downsize our space while keeping almost everything we owned.

This week’s move continued to reduce the total square footage, but I had to remove several items, including our dining room table.

Today, I have one box left to unpack, but I have no place for the items once I unpack them.

Even if Jan were alive, this problem would exist.

Despite the lack of space for all that I moved, apartment 3B is beginning to feel like a home I can and will live in comfortably.

Jan’s wedding dress, the silk scarf, pictures, and millions of memories of the love of my life are still with me.

The key reason I feel at home is that Jan is still with me.

Love never dies!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Fourteen Moves, the First Without Jan

Since I graduated from college in 1971, I have lived in fourteen different places. After 1975, when Jan and I married, each move was with her by my side. When Jan and I moved into 3D, I told a new neighbor that I was looking forward to living in 3D as I had spent too […]
Sleeping in a New Direction

Sleeping in a New Direction

Jan and RichardWhen I moved to Apartment 3B, I knew my bed would be on a lower floor than in 3D.

My bed now faces in another direction. In addition, I am ten feet closer to the ground, which is an imperceptible difference.

  • In 3D, I was facing 314 degrees northwest when I woke up.
  • In 3B, I am facing 229 degrees southwest.

The new bedroom is also darker, and that might help me sleep.

I do believe I am sleeping better, but not perfect.

I still dream of waking up fully rested from a good night’s sleep.

That may not be possible since Jan died, but it is a dream worth having.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Am I Alone in Apartment 3B?

As I unpack in apartment 3B, I am alone, but I know Jan is still with me. I am having trouble finding places for all the remembrances of decades of love. Each item I unwrap opens the floodgates of a lifetime of love. It also reminds me of how fortunate I was and how Jan […]
Wes, Nick and Nick

Wes is One Month Old Today!

Wes is One Month Old Today!Wes Jude Nucero is one month old today!

My second grandchild was born on July 3, 2022, and his middle name is in honor of Jan, the love of my life, Mike’s mom, and Wes’s grandmother.

It is also a nod to Jan’s love of music, especially The Beatles, and specifically to their song Hey Jude.

God, in her infinite and divine wisdom, had Wes Jude born fourteen months after Jan died. Wes Jude’s birth on that day is a true blessing for Jan, Jude, and our family.

Until Wes Jude’s birth, I had counted the months since Jan died. Now I measure the months since his birth.

It does not obscure the pain of losing Jan; instead, it reminds me of life’s miraculous beauty.

Our love will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Happy Birthday, Wes Jude Nucero!

Jude, the middle name, honors Jan, the love of my life, Mike's mom, and Wes's grandmother. It also shows her love of music, especially The Beatles and Hey Jude.

God, in her infinite and divine wisdom, had Wes Jude born fourteen months after Jan died. Wes Jude's birth on this day is a true blessing for Jan, Jude, and our family.

When She Woke

When She Woke

When She Woke, a fable about a stigmatized woman struggling to navigate an America of a not-too-distant future by Hillary Jordan. Hannah, the protagonist, embarks on a path of self-discovery that forces her to question the values she once held and the righteousness of a country that politicizes faith. It is the one hundred books I have read since the beginning of 2019 and the forty-fifth this year.

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Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

Am I Alone in Apartment 3B?

Jan, Jon and RichardAs I unpack in apartment 3B, I am alone, but I know Jan is still with me.

I am having trouble finding places for all the remembrances of decades of love. Each item I unwrap opens the floodgates of a lifetime of love.

It also reminds me of how fortunate I was and how Jan transformed my life.

This morning, I realized how critical timing was to our falling in love.

All the places I lived in before meeting Jan were not where we could have resided together, or she would have wanted to visit me.

I lived in a rectory when we briefly met at her VISTA training in December 1972.

When we finally met and fell in love, I lived in an unheated apartment and was on rent strike.

Neither was a place I could have invited her to visit me.

Ironically, I am now in my first “Batchelor” apartment and still happily married.

Our love will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Fourteen Moves, the First Without Jan

Since I graduated from college in 1971, I have lived in fourteen different places. After 1975, when Jan and I married, each move was with her by my side. When Jan and I moved into 3D, I told a new neighbor that I was looking forward to living in 3D as I had spent too […]

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Saying Yes to a Future With Jan
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Flying Alone to Camp Widow
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Sleeping in a New Direction
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Wes, Nick and Nick
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When She Woke

Read: August 2022

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When She Woke

by Hillary Jordan

When She Woke, a fable about a stigmatized woman struggling to navigate an America of a not-too-distant future by Hillary Jordan, Bellwether Prize WinnerHannah Payne, the protagonist, embarks on a path of self-discovery that forces her to question the values she once held and the righteousness of a country that politicizes faith. The premise of When She Woke seems to be happening as I read the novel. It is also the one hundred books I have read since the beginning of 2019 and the forty-fifth this year.

Hannah Payne, like Hester Prynne, is attacked for her actions by extreme religious beliefs. Instead of wearing a scarlet letter, Hannah’s chroming (i.e., having her skin altered) makes her skin red from head to toe. The chroming might have been a good theme for a science fiction novel. Still, Ms. Jordan has written a captivating book in which Hannah confronts who she is and, after questioning the values she once had, discovers that Hannah is more vital than she believed she could be.

I highly recommend this novel.

As Ms. Jordan describes the book,

Hannah Payne’s life has been devoted to church and family. But after she’s convicted of murder, she awakens to a nightmare: she finds herself lying on a table in a solitary confinement cell, her skin turned bright red. Cameras are broadcasting her every move to millions at home, for whom observing newly made “Chromes”—criminals whose skin color has been genetically altered to reflect their crime—is a sinister form of entertainment. Hannah is a Red, a murderess. The victim, says the state of Texas, was her unborn child, and she’s determined to protect the identity of the father, a public figure with whom she shared a fierce and forbidden love.

A powerful reimagining of The Scarlet Letter, When She Woke is a timely fable about a stigmatized woman struggling to navigate a dystopian America. In this not-too-distant future, the line between church and state has been eradicated and convicted felons are no longer imprisoned, but “chromed” and released back into the population to survive as best they can.

As she seeks a path to safety in an alien and hostile world, Hannah unknowingly embarks on a journey of self-discovery that forces her to question the values she once held true and the righteousness of a country that politicizes faith and love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019
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Bug Hollow

Read: June 2025

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Bug Hollow: A Novel

by Michelle Huneven

Bug Hollow” by Michelle Huneven is a decades-spanning family saga that follows the messy yet loving Samuelson clan as they navigate life after the loss of their son, Ellis. When Sally Samuelson was eight years old, her golden boy brother, Ellis, went missing the summer after he graduated from high school. He eventually reappeared at the picturesque Bug Hollow, a final remnant of the beautiful Northern California counterculture of the seventies.

Although he found joy in communal life, his life was tragically cut short in a freak accident just weeks later, leaving the Samuelson family to grapple with their grief. From that point on, the world of the Samuelsons never spun on the same axis, especially after Julia, Ellis’s girlfriend from Bug Hollow, showed up pregnant on their doorstep.

Each member of the Samuelson family has sought their form of solace: Sybil Samuelson pours herself into teaching to numb her pain after losing her beloved son; her husband, Phil, found comfort in a new love that developed while he was working as an engineer in Saudi Arabia; Katie, the high-achieving middle child, comes home to try to make peace with her mother following a cancer diagnosis. Meanwhile, Sally has become the de facto caretaker of Eva, the child Ellis never had the chance to know.

Michelle Huneven is known for her five enthralling novels, which chronicle the lives of middle-class Americans in her vividly portrayed native California. Her characters struggle with addiction, painful romances, and profound losses as they continue to seek meaning and strive to be good. She captures the Samuelson family with remarkable precision and deep empathy as they fracture and rebuild time and again.


Michelle Huneven is the author of Round RockJameslandBlameOff Course, and Search. Her books have been New York Times Notable Books and finalists for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize and the National Book Critics Circle Award. She is the recipient of a Whiting Award for Fiction, a Guggenheim Fellowship, a James Beard Award, and a Literature Award from the American Academy of Arts and Letters. She received her Master of Fine Arts degree from the Iowa Writers’ Workshop and teaches creative writing at the University of California, Los Angeles.



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Wait: A Novel

Read: May 2025

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Wait: A Novel

by Gabriella Burnham

Today, I began reading Wait: A Novel by Gabriella Burnham. This story is told with deep insight, humor, and an unexpected tenderness that will captivate you. The novel revolves around a family struggling against the societal issues that deteriorate their bonds, such as housing instability, immigration policies, and inherited wealth. At its core, it is also a tale about love, humor, and sisterhood, highlighting how two sisters lean on each other amid monumental changes while dreaming of a brighter future.

Elise is out dancing the night before her college graduation when her younger sister, Sophie, calls to inform her that their mother is missing. Elise promptly booked the next flight back to her childhood home on Nantucket Island, which she hadn’t visited in nearly four years.

Upon her return, the sisters are confronted with the harsh reality that their mother was stopped by the police while returning home from work and deported to São Paulo, Brazil. Despite the daunting odds, Elise boldly decides to stay fueled by her love for her mother and takes the same job she had during high school: monitoring endangered birds.

Meanwhile, her college best friend, Sheba—a lively socialite and heir to a famous children’s toy company—reveals that she has inherited her grandfather’s summer mansion on Nantucket. As Elise navigates her new reality, her worlds collide as she faces the emotional and material challenges that have fractured her family and the life in Brazil that her mother has been forced to leave behind.


Gabriella Burnham‘s debut novel, It Is Wood, It Is Stone, was named a best book of the year by Harper’s Bazaar, Marie Claire, Publishers Weekly, and Good Housekeeping. She holds an MFA in creative writing from St. Joseph’s College and has been awarded fellowships to Yaddo and MacDowell, where she was named a Harris Center Fellow. Her nonfiction writing has appeared in Harper’s Bazaar. Burnham and her partner live in Brooklyn, New York, with their rescue cats, Galleta and Franz.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!

Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


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The White Hot

Read: November 2025

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The White Hot: A Novel

by Quiara Alegría Hudes

The White Hot” by Quiara Alegría Hudes is a letter from a mother to her daughter, reflecting on a moment of abandonment that stretches from ten days to ten years. It offers an explanation rather than an apology. Hudes tells April’s story—spiritual and sensual, fierce and humorous—using delicate lyricism and tough love. Through this narrative, Hudes transforms April’s struggle for self-discovery into an unforgettable short epic.

April is a young mother raising her daughter in a multigenerational home filled with unspoken secrets and loud arguments. Her only refuge is the locked bathroom, where she plugs her ears into an ambient soundscape and repeats a mantra: “dead inside.” This continues until one day, as she feels herself spiraling toward the volcanic rage she calls “the white hot,” an inner voice tells her to simply walk away.

She goes to a bus station and asks for a one-way ticket to the furthest destination. This ticket takes her from her Philadelphia home to the threshold of a wilderness, marking the start of a nameless quest—an accidental journey that awakens her, nearly kills her, and leads her to an impossible choice.

As April discovers the key to freeing herself and her family from a cycle of generational trauma through her painful and absurd journey,


Quiara Alegría Hudes is a Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright known for her plays “Water by the Spoonful” and “In the Heights,” the latter of which won the Tony Award for Best Musical. She also adapted this musical for the screen.

Her memoir, “My Broken Language,” was longlisted for the Andrew Carnegie Medal. Hudes has written essays published in prominent outlets, including The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Cut, The Nation, and American Theater Magazine. Additionally, she co-founded the prison writing program Emancipated Stories with her cousin Sean.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


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Fourteen Days: A Collaborative Novel

Read: February 2024

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Fourteen Days: A Collaborative Novel

by Authors Guild

I started reading Fourteen Days: A Collaborative Novel today. It is set in a Lower East Side tenement during the early days of the COVID-19 lockdowns. Fourteen Days is a unique collaborative novel from the Authors Guild with a twist. A different, prominent literary voice has secretly written each character in this diverse cast of New York neighbors. These voices range from Margaret Atwood and Celeste Ng to Tommy Orange and John Grisham.

The novel’s story begins one week into the COVID-19 shutdown, where tenants of a Lower East Side apartment building in Manhattan have gathered on the rooftop to tell stories. As the nights pass, more and more neighbors join in, bringing chairs, milk crates, and overturned pails. Gradually, the tenants, some of whom have barely spoken to each other, become neighbors.

In this Decameron-like serial novel, general editors Margaret Atwood and Douglas Preston and a star-studded list of contributors create a beautiful ode to those trapped when the pandemic hit. Fourteen Days is a dazzling, heartwarming, and ultimately surprising narrative that reveals how some communities managed to become stronger despite the loss and suffering brought about by the pandemic.

Includes writing from: Charlie Jane Anders, Margaret Atwood, Joseph Cassara, Jennine Capó Crucet, Angie Cruz, Pat Cummings, Sylvia Day, Emma Donoghue, Dave Eggers, Diana Gabaldon, Tess Gerritsen, John Grisham, Maria Hinojosa, Mira Jacob, Erica Jong, CJ Lyons, Celeste Ng, Tommy Orange, Mary Pope Osborne, Douglas Preston, Alice Randall, Ishmael Reed, Roxana Robinson, Nelly Rosario, James Shapiro, Hampton Sides, R.L. Stine, Nafissa Thompson-Spires, Monique Truong, Scott Turow, Luis Alberto Urrea, Rachel Vail, Weike Wang, Caroline Randall Williams, De’Shawn Charles Winslow, and Meg Wolitzer!

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The Lion's Den

Read: January 2023

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The Lion’s Den

by Anthony Marra

Today, I read The Lion’s Den by Anthony Marra. After a four and one-half Zoom meeting, I was looking for a book I could finish tonight, and the third book in the Inheritance, a collection of five stories about secrets, unspoken desires, and dangerous revelations between loved ones, seemed like the book to read. The Lion’s Den is the story of Michael, a son, his father’s transgressions in a tell-all were the ethical, righteous—and profitable—thing to do. What’s left but to slink back home for a humbling face-to-face with the man whose secrets he sold?

It was the perfect novel to read this evening. In the opening paragraph, when Michael’s father describes the automated customer service computer voice.” Siri’s dimwitted stepsister,” I knew I could enjoy this book.

Michael’s last-minute invitation to be the Ethics Symposium speaker at his parochial school was written in a way that was both bluntly honest and humorous.

Michael’s visits with his father to the lion’s den at the National Zoo were profoundly moving, and when the wheelchair was left there after his father’s death brought tears to my eyes.

I highly recommend The Lion’s Den, part of Inheritance, a collection of five stories about secrets, unspoken desires, and dangerous revelations between loved ones. Each Inheritance piece can be read or listened to in a single setting. By yourself, behind closed doors, or shared with someone you trust. This is the third one in the series I have read. The previous two were Everything My Mother Taught Me and Can You Feel This?

I have enjoyed all three and look forward to reading the final two.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Exposing his father’s transgressions in a tell-all was the ethical, righteous—and profitable—thing to do. What’s left but to slink back home for a humbling face-to-face with the man whose secrets he sold?

He was a notorious government whistle-blower. Depending on whom you ask, he’s a treasonous felon, a folk hero, a validated patriot, or a national disgrace. To his son, Michael, he’s the father who threw his family into upheaval. Now, having moved back home at thirty-four, Michael is getting to know him as a man and getting nearer to understanding his motivations that have remained a mystery in this darkly humorous short story of sacrifice and betrayal by New York Times bestselling author Anthony Marra.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Outrun: A Memoir

Read: October 2022

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The Outrun: A Memoir

by Amy Liptrot

The Outrun: A Memoir by Amy Liptrot is about her return to Orkney after more than a decade; she visits the Outrun on the sheep farm where she grew up. Approaching the land that was once home, memories of her childhood merge with the recent events that have set her on this journey. My current grief journey is not like Amy Liptrot‘s, but I learned from her struggles as we all need the support of family and friends.

Amy’s long walks, detailed description of bird watching, and life on a small island were very moving. I might have moved from one apartment to the adjacent one, but I learned from Amy’s journey and feel more confident facing life’s uncertainties.

I highly recommend this memoir.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Amy was shaped by the cycle of the seasons, birth and death on the farm, and her father’s mental illness, which was as much a part of her childhood as the wild, carefree existence on Orkney. But as she grew up, she longed to leave this remote life. She moved to London and found herself in a hedonistic cycle. Unable to control her drinking, alcohol gradually took over. Now thirty, she finds herself washed up back home on Orkney, standing unstable at the cliff edge, trying to come to terms with what happened to her in London.

Spending early mornings swimming in the bracingly cold sea, the days tracking Orkney’s wildlife—puffins nesting on sea stacks, arctic terns swooping close enough to feel their wings—and nights searching the sky for the Merry Dancers, Amy slowly makes the journey toward recovery from addiction.

The Outrun is a beautiful, inspiring book about living on the edge, about the pull between island and city, and about the ability of the sea, the land, the wind, and the moon to restore life and renew hope.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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