Please, Stay With Me!
Estimated reading time: 14 minutes, 57 seconds
I Am OK, But I Live Alone
It was almost exactly five months after the Monarch dinner when Jan received the devastating diagnosis of lymphoma. As for me, I was still trying to find my footing as a man without a full-time day job. Suddenly, I was in the new caretaker role, where every day was challenging. My new position demanded my full attention, and I had to keep living one day at a time.
Jan’s voice, at the end of March 2021, trembled as she spoke, “Richard, promise me that you won’t spend the rest of your life alone if something happens to me.” She had returned from the hospital just two days ago after an extended stay, and her fragile state was evident. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of dread and fear creeping up inside me. I asked her if anyone would want an older man like me.
“Richard, you are a remarkable husband,” she said, “and I appreciate how much you care for me and how focused you are on my needs.” She then went on to talk about how much she enjoyed our moments of intimacy, causing my face to turn beet red with embarrassment. Jan proceeded to list several women that she believed loved me and would be willing to partner with me. She held my hand tightly as she spoke, and I could feel the warmth of her touch spreading through my body.
I interrupted her, trying to point out that most of the women she had mentioned were already married or had partners. But Jan was insistent that there might be others out there, even some I might not know, who would be interested in me. She looked at me with kind eyes, and I could see her love and compassion.
After Jan had fallen asleep in my arms, I gently rolled her over and left the bed. Her words about living with others struck a chord with me, even though I knew she was mistaken about the names she mentioned. Usually, I would have welcomed her advice, but at that moment, the thought of losing her to cancer was unbearable. I quietly left the room and went downstairs to cry. Through my tears, I kept reminding myself that love is the most potent force in the world. How can I go on without her? And can I truly live if I’m all alone?
Unexpectedly, two years after Jan’s death last year, I met someone online with whom I connected well. We talked through text messages and phone calls, and the interactions were so good that it felt like I was alive and in love again. I was excited about this new feeling and hopeful it would lead to something more. After Jan’s passing, I had come to terms with the idea that I might have to live alone forever, but this new connection gave me hope that I might not. However, things didn’t go as planned, and we eventually ended our relationship.
It was a moment that I will never forget. Something extraordinary happened when she reached out to me again. It was as if fate had intervened and brought us back together. I couldn’t tell if it was a dream during deep sleep or perhaps a reality that I was living in. She was hesitant about what she wanted to happen, but she was clear that whatever it was, it couldn’t be something she would regret.
Real or imaginary, I could feel my heart racing with excitement. Her presence was magnetic and pulled me toward her. Then, I remembered my wife’s voice telling me I needed love, not a warm body. I knew I had to make a decision.
As I gazed at her, I knew I had a decision to make. Should I indulge my urges and pursue a relationship with her, or should I uphold my commitments to my spouse to only love someone who could love me as much as I loved them and refrain? After careful thought, I ultimately chose the latter.
She might not have regretted it if we had been intimate, but I would have. It was a difficult decision, but I knew it was right. Sometimes, we must let go of what we want at the moment and focus on what is truly important in the long run.
Love Never Dies!
Jan, my wife, expressed her deep concerns about my living alone. But after losing her, I didn’t have any other option. Living alone has been daunting for me. As a widow, I have learned to manage my daily tasks, but it feels like I’m just going through the motions without any real purpose.
I often wonder if just performing these tasks is enough to feel alive. I feel like something is missing in my life, like a void that I cannot fill. Although I can continue living alone, the loneliness of widowhood can be overwhelming at times.
However, something happened recently that made me see life in a new light. I experienced a dreamlike event that made me realize that life is precious, even if challenging. I have decided to embrace life with all its ups and downs, even if I have to do it alone.
Yet, there is one thing that I yearn for the most. I long for love and intimacy. I want to share my joys, sorrows, and everything with someone who reciprocates my feelings. I am searching for a long-lasting relationship that can bring me happiness and contentment.
Finding true love may not be easy, but it is something that I need in my life now and for all the years to come. Love is a powerful emotion that never dies. Even though my wife is no longer with me, I know her love will always be in my heart.
I am not willing to settle for anything less than the best. Why should I compromise and accept less than the love and affection I once had? I want to open my heart to someone new and start a new chapter. I understand it won’t be an easy journey, but I am ready to embrace the challenge and hope to find the love I have been looking for soon. If I fail, I am confident I can live alone for the rest of my days and nights.
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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
