Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Sleepless

Sleeping Next to Jan

Jan with the Peace LilyAs a widow, one of the most challenging transitions was not having Jan next to me during the night.

After decades of sharing a bed with the love of my life, it was disconcerting to wake up and know that she would no longer be next to me.

Like many widows, I have struggled with how to address Jan’s absence during the nighttime hours.

Whatever I have tried has failed.

After months of sleeplessness that made the bed look like the scene of a wrestling match, I have found an option that may solve the crisis.

When I replaced the flowers in my house, I placed the Peace Lilly on the bookcase by my bed.

In addition, I placed the framed photo of Jan next to the plants.

In my prior apartment, the framed photo had been in front of my laptop, and Jan had guided me through emails, text messages, Zoom meetings, and other electronic activities.

When I go to sleep and wake up, I see Jan, and her love soothes my soul.

As much as this works, it will never replace Jan. I still miss her and always love her!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Sleepless in Cranford

When Jan passed away, I did not immediately have trouble sleeping. Not sure why this occurred, as I have always had trouble sleeping.

A month after she passed, I entered a period of chronic insomnia.

As soon as I went to bed, my mind started racing.

Many times I think about how much I loved her.

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Illuminate the Path of Our Life

Illuminate the Path of Our Life

Jan and RichardToday, I pray for not only a sweet, healthy new year but also one that focuses on the changes I need to find the purpose of my existence.

For Kol Nidrei, the prayer that ushers on the holy day of Yom Kippur, I had the honor of reading an English portion of the service.

After I spoke, I realized it was the first time I had been called to the bimah on the high holidays without Jan.

My reading was a contemporary Avinu Malkeinu that presented a series of questions acknowledging our responsibility for our lives.

It was the ideal lesson for me as I began a year of growth and change.

Was it merely luck that I was assigned this passage? Or was it another divine intervention like the one I had experienced after the fire? Or when I selected Being Mortal to read on our last vacation?

Avinu Malkeinu – Illumine for us the path of our life.

How shall we find the strength to take the road less traveled?
How shall we come to know the purpose of our existence?
How shall we learn not to live life in vain?
How shall we get out of our indifference?
How shall we distinguish between truth and falsehood?
How shall we find the answers to our questions?
How shall we gird ourselves with the strength to seek answers?

Are these all of the questions I have? No, but the implication is that I can ask additional questions.

In addition, at the end of the reading, we called upon divine guidance,

Avinu Malkeinu – Be gracious to us, answer us, empower us, and give us courage, for the answers are both in You and with You.

If I can change my life this year, perhaps I may one day join her as someone who lived well.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Sweet New Year and a Year of Change

Shana Tova! May 5783 not only be a sweet new year but one of change.

Without Jan, my life shattered into a million pieces over the last sixteen months.

I have taken small steps, but those adjustments have been on the margins, not the core of my being.

But the transitions have not assisted me in defining who I am without Jan.

Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park

Jan’s Wind Sculpture Arrives in Cranford!

The Double Spinner wind sculpture by Lyman Whitaker Wind Sculptures has arrived in Cranford!

The Double Spinner will reflect Jan’s spirit and enthusiasm for life.

It will be the focal point of the Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden in Hanson Park, designed by Carolle Huber Landscape Architecture.

Once the wind blows thru the sculpture, I will hear Jan whispering words of encouragement,

Richard, you are capable, you are strong, and I believe in you.

The timing of the shipping and delivery of the wind sculpture was a reminder that with faith and love, miracles are still possible as God works in mysterious ways.

It shipped from Arizona on the first day of Rosh Hashana and arrived on the afternoon before Yom Kippur.

Now that it has arrived, the Hanson Park Conservancy will work with the contractor to determine the next steps in installing the wind sculpture and completing the garden.

Our family sincerely appreciates Jan’s friends and the Conservancy’s support in making this living memorial a reality.

My love for Jan will never die, and her garden and the Double Spinner will be a beacon to the Cranford community and encourage more people to visit Hanson Park.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Breaking Ground for Jan’s Memorial Garden

It has been only three days since we broke ground on the Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park. The many friends who joined us for the day helped us with love and support. Over the next few months, we will update the garden's work progress.

The Bookstore Sisters: A Short Story

The Bookstore Sisters: A Short Story

The Bookstore Sisters: A Short Story by Alice Hoffman is a heartfelt short story about family, independence, and finding your place in the world. I recommend this short story without any reservations. Ms. Hoffman has written a moving story that helped me to grapple with grief and reminded me that love is the highest and most important goal that humans can aspire.

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Nick, Wes and Mike

Wes Jude Has Jan’s Smile

Love Never Dies!

Wes Jude Has Jan's Smile

Every time I come across Wes Jude or see photos shared by Elyssa or Mike, I can’t help but notice the striking resemblance between his smile and that of his grandmother, Jan. Both smiles exude pure joy and are truly mesmerizing. Jan’s smile was always a source of delight for my heart and soul, as it reflected unique and beautiful new images.

Now three months old, Wes Jude has inherited the most important gift from his grandmother – her infectious smile. Upon meeting Jan, I was immediately captivated by her smile and knew that she was the love of my life.

Wes’s infectious smiles have been a source of comfort during a difficult time and have renewed my faith in the future. He has become integral to my life, and I no longer dwell on the past. May Wes’s smiles shine bright as a symbol of hope and love that endure beyond life’s challenges.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Wes Jude is Two Months Old!

My second grandson, Wes Jude Nucero, is two months old today! Wes is a bundle of joy, and his smiles, like his grandmother, spread happiness to all who see him. There are moments when I wish I could see him twenty-four/seven. But then I remember the benefit of grandchildren is not being responsible all the time. […]

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Caretaker No, Caregiver Yes!

Caretaker No, Caregiver Yes!

Visiting Jan During COVID

I am visiting Jan in March 2021 in the hospital.

Sunday afternoon, my grandson joined me at The Shakespeare Theatre of NJ for The Caretaker.

Harold Pinter’s 1960 classic was performed flawlessly by the cast under the direction of Bonnie Monte.

Jon Barker, Isaac Hickox-Young, and Paul Mullins were the ideal cast for the absurdist play.

A decade after its premiere, I found myself, on occasion, in circumstances that Harold Pinter could have easily written.

Once I was working as a tenant organizer in an abandoned building that the City of New York had acquired.

As we prepared plans to convert the vacant building into affordable homes, I met one remaining tenant squatting in the building without heat or electricity.

He attempted during several meetings to claim he was the owner and would repair the building and find tenants.

In our last conversation, he offered me the opportunity of being his caretaker once he completed the work.

I declined as that was not a skill or a position I desired.

In place of being a caretaker, the love Jan and I shared prepared me for the most important task of my life, being Jan’s caregiver.

As Viktor Frankl wrote,

Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.

My love for Jan will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’sJan’s Love blog.

Man's Search for Meaning

Man's Search for Meaning

I remember reading portions of Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl at different times, but I never finished the book. However, recently, eight and a half months after the passing of Jan, the book came up for discussion in one of my groups. Frankl's theory of logotherapy, which derives from the Greek word for "meaning," centers around the idea that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud believed, but rather the search for what gives life meaning. I now have a framework for my life without Jan.

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Cooking with Jan

Cooking Without the Smoke Alarm

Happy together!I have met two of my three new neighbors on the third floor.

The one I have not met, strange as it may be, is the building super.

One is a couple who moved into my old abode, Apartment 3D.

They announced they planned to marry and were walking their dog when I met them in the hallway.

Since they moved in, I cannot remember hearing even a soft sound from them.

When Jan and I lived there, heating hot water for herbal tea would set off the smoke detector.

Perhaps the flawed smoke detector was fixed before they moved in.

Or they enjoy dining at the many top-notch restaurants in Cranford.

I know that Jan and I would have appreciated not being disturbed by the loud, persistent sound of the smoke detector while cooking.

My memories of Jan will remind me why our love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Sleepless
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Illuminate the Path of Our Life
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Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park
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The Bookstore Sisters: A Short Story

Read: October 2022

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The Bookstore Sisters: A Short Story

by Alice Hoffman

The Bookstore Sisters: A Short Story by Alice Hoffman is a heartfelt short story about family, independence, and finding your place in the world. The overview should be enough to encourage everyone to read the book. I recommend this short story without any reservations. Ms. Hoffman has written a moving story that helped me to grapple with grief and reminded me that love is the highest and most important goal that humans can aspire.

Isabel Gibson has all but perfected the art of forgetting. She’s a New Yorker now, with nothing left to tie her to Brinkley’s Island, Maine. Her parents are gone, the family bookstore is all but bankrupt, and her sister, Sophie, will probably never speak to her again.

But when a mysterious letter arrives in her mailbox, Isabel feels drawn to the past. After years of fighting for her independence, she dreads the thought of going back to the island. What she finds there may forever alter her path—and change everything she thought she knew about her family, home, and herself.

Isabel sums up the power of love in this paragraph,

She was thinking about the way a fish loved a river, and a bird loved the sky, and a mother loved her daughters. She was remembering everything. How love could change a person, how it could cause you the greatest sorrow or shelter you from harm. There were moths hitting against the windowpanes. A night heron called in the marshland as if its heart were breaking.

I have always fantasized about working in or owning a small bookstore.

The Bookstore Sisters: A Short Story rekindled that dream and reminded me of the power of love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’sJan’s Love blog.

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Nick, Wes and Mike
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Man's Search for Meaning

Read: January 2022

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Man’s Search for Meaning

by Viktor E. Frankl

I recall reading portions of Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl at various times, but I never completed the book. However, recently, eight and a half months after Jan’s passing, my wife and I were discussing in one of my groups. Frankl’s theory of logotherapy, which derives from the Greek word for “meaning,” centers around the idea that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud believed, but rather the search for what gives life meaning. I now have a framework for my life without Jan.

For those like me who are widows, Frankl understands suffering,

In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.

Jan and I lived meaningful lives. My challenge now is to continue to find meaning in my life without Jan.

As Frankl writes,

Those who have a ‘why’ to live can bear with almost any ‘how.

The love Jan and I shared was one of my primary sources of meaning. In addition, I stopped working full-time at the end of 2018 and struggled to replace the purpose I had gained from repairing the world. After Jan died, I suffered the “provisional existence of an unknown limit, ” which Frankl experienced when he was in the concentration camps.

I have replaced the loss of meaning and purpose with a series of activities:

  1. Planning to celebrate Jan Day on her birthday this year.
  2. Writing my random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered;
  3. Reading more than ever, including my Goodreads 2022 Reading Challenge; and
  4. Walking more than I probably should.

I am also beginning to serve on the board of a few non-profits. It is time to transition from hands-on work to providing leadership in a different way.

Will this be enough to give my life meaning?

Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life, and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life, he can only respond by being responsible.

I must continue to focus on my search for meaning, as life will inevitably change over time.

My grief journey has taught me that love never dies,

For the first time in my life, I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry, thought, and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.

My path forward is to keep Jan’s love alive and continue to share it with others.

I recommend this book without reservation.



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Caretaker No, Caregiver Yes!
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Cooking with Jan
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Everything's Fine

Read: June 2023

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Everything’s Fine

by Cecilia Rabess

I started reading Everything’s Fine by Cecilia Rabess today, a stunning debut introducing a talented new author. However, I found it easier to decide to read it after reading in the New York Times that some reviewers on Goodreads criticized the book’s premise without reading it. It’s unfair to criticize something after experiencing it first-hand.

On Jess’s first day at Goldman Sachs, she’s disappointed to learn that she’ll be working with Josh, a white conservative she used to argue with in college. Josh enjoys playing devil’s advocate and can be challenging to deal with.

But when Jess realizes she’s the only Black woman on the team and is being overlooked, Josh offers his support in imperfect but meaningful ways. As they develop an unlikely friendship with undeniable chemistry, it eventually becomes an electrifying romance that shocks them both.

Despite their differences, their attraction brings them together, and Jess starts to question whether happiness is more important than being right. However, as the cultural and political landscape shifts in 2016, Jess, who is just discovering herself, must decide what she’s willing to compromise for love and if everything is excellent. This poignant and sharp novel by Cecilia Rabess asks if they will and if they should.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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The Pull of the Stars

Read: June 2022

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The Pull of the Stars

by Emma Donoghue

After Jan’s death and over two years of COVID, The Pull of the Stars might not seem like a good read for me. But I had placed this book on my to-read list a few months ago.  The Pull of the Stars by Emma Donoghue is set in 1918 in Dublin; a maternity ward at the height of the Great Flu is a small world of work, risk, death, and unlooked-for love. It was a page-turner that engrossed me at that moment. When I reached the last page, I wanted the story to continue. 

The details about childbirth, life, and death were riveting. All three of the main characters are ones that I could have imagined in an episode of Call the Midwife. That Dr. Lynn was a natural person underscores the depth of Ms. Donoghue’s research and writing skills. 

Julie and Bridie’s characters were so real it was difficult to believe that they were not also based on natural persons. 

I strongly recommend The Pull of the Stars.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

In an Ireland ravaged by war and disease, Nurse Julia Power works at an understaffed hospital in the city center, where expectant mothers who have come down with the terrible new Flu are quarantined together. Into Julia’s regimented world step two outsiders—Doctor Kathleen Lynn, a rumored Rebel on the run from the police, and a young volunteer helper, Bridie Sweeney.

With tireless tenderness and humanity, carers and mothers somehow do their impossible work. In the darkness and intensity of this minor ward, these women change each other’s lives in unexpected ways over three days. They lose patients to this baffling pandemic but shepherd new life into a fearful world.

In The Pull of the Stars, Emma Donoghue again finds the light in the darkness in this new classic of hope and survival against all odds.


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Lone Women

Read: March 2023

Lone Women: A Novel

by Victor LaValle

As an amateur historian, I have always enjoyed historical fiction, especially when It helps us redefine the past to be more accurate. Lone Women: A Novel by Victor LaValle is a haunting new vision of the American West from the award-winning author of The Changeling. Blue skies, empty land—and enough room to hide away a horrifying secret. Or is there? I recommend this book.

When I began reading this novel, I was unsure where it was going or what might be hidden in the steamer trunk. I was unaware of this story and found this book a well-written account of forgotten history that must be told and shared with all readers. Stay the course as Lone Women: A Novel reveals the secrets in the Trunk and the fantastic story of lone women who lived in and prospered in the old West.

Lone Women is the twenty-fifth book I have read in 2023. Although I have surpassed my reading goal, I will continue to read.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Adelaide Henry carries an enormous steamer trunk with her wherever she goes. It’s locked at all times. Because when the trunk is opened, people around her start to disappear…

The year is 1914, and Adelaide is in trouble. Her secret sin killed her parents and forced her to flee her hometown of Redondo, California, in a hellfire rush, ready to make her way to Montana as a homesteader. Dragging the trunk with her at every stop, she will be one of the “lone women” taking advantage of the government’s offer of free land for those who can cultivate it—except Adelaide isn’t alone. And the secret she’s tried so desperately to lock away might be the only thing keeping her alive.

Told in Victor LaValle’s signature style, blending historical fiction, shimmering prose, and inventive horror, Lone Women is the gripping story of a woman desperate to bury her past—and a portrait of early twentieth-century America as you’ve never seen.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Revolutionary Mothers

Read: February 2019

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Revolutionary Mothers

by Carol Berkin

Revolutionary Mothers by Carol Berkin, Presidential Professor of American Colonial and Revolutionary History; Women’s History Professor at Baruch College, is one of four books I purchased after my first One Day University Class on February 9, 2019. It should be required reading!

The book explains how women of the Revolution were most active at home, organizing boycotts of British goods, raising funds for the fledgling nation, and managing the family business while struggling to maintain a modicum of normalcy as husbands, brothers, and fathers died.

It was not just the men who fought on the front lines, as in the story of Margaret Corbin, who was crippled for life when she took her husband’s place beside a cannon at Fort Monmouth. She explains the mystery of Molly Pitcher (she was not a person but a group of women), camp followers, women who spied for their country, Loyalist women, and the impact on African American and Native women.

This intelligent and comprehensive history brings these forgotten stories to their rightful place in the struggle for American independence. Dr. Birkin also highlights how their efforts set the stage for the continuing campaign for gender equality.

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The Secrets we Left Behind

Read: March 2022

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The Secrets We Left Behind

The Secrets We Left Behind by Soraya M. Lane is a historical fiction that raises the question, where were the women after Dunkirk and the fall of France? When World War II appeared to have been lost with a Nazi victory. Ms. Lane watched the movie Dunkirk and then researched that time and the women’s possible roles during that difficult moment in history.

She connected the evacuation at Dunkirk to the Massacre at Le Paradis, fifty miles away, to connect a British nurse and two French women whose strength helps them survive Nazi-occupied France. Three British male soldiers, two of whom survived the massacre and one who escaped Dunkirk, have secondary roles in the novel. 

The Secrets We Left Behind is the story of the three strong women and their efforts to survive the occupation while hiding the three soldiers. This focus on the role of women has been long overdue in history. Ms. Lane, who studied to be a lawyer, has found a career as a writer. The Secrets We Left Behind is the first book I have read, but it will not be the last one by Ms. Lane that I read.

I strongly recommend this book!

The Goodreads synopsis provides an overview of the novel.

How far will they go for family, friendship, and love? Occupied France, 1940. When the staff at a field hospital draw straws to find out who will join the evacuation from Dunkirk, Nurse Cate is left behind. But when the Nazis arrive to claim prisoners of war, she takes her chance and flees into the night, taking one patient with her.

Fifty miles away, the surrendering soldiers of the Royal Norfolk Regiment are shot dead by the advancing Germans. Beneath the pile of bodies, two men survive, crawling to the safety of a nearby farmhouse, where sisters Elise and Adelaide risk their lives to take them in. When Cate, too, arrives at their door with her injured soldier, the pressure mounts.

The sisters are risking everything to keep their visitors safe. But with the Nazis coming ever closer and relationships in the farmhouse intensifying, they must all question the sacrifices they are willing to make for the lives of others. How far will they go for family, friendship, and love?

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The Sellout: A Novel

Read: August 2024

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The Sellout: A Novel

by Paul Beatty

Today, I embarked on the unique narrative journey of The Sellout: A Novel by Paul Beatty. This biting satire, which revolves around a young man’s isolated upbringing and the race trial that takes him to the Supreme Court, is a testament to Paul Beattys comic genius. The Sellout, a part of The New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the Century, is a must-read for those who appreciate a distinct narrative style.

The Sellout is a bold and thought-provoking work that challenges the sacred tenets of the United States Constitution, urban life, and the civil rights movement. It also explores the father-son relationship and the pursuit of racial equality, symbolized by the black Chinese restaurant. This social commentary is a vital aspect of The Sellout, making it a relevant and engaging read for those interested in contemporary issues.

Born in the “agrarian ghetto” of Dickens—on the southern outskirts of Los Angeles—the narrator of The Sellout resigns himself to the fate of lower-middle-class Californians: “I’d die in the same bedroom I’d grown up in, looking up at the cracks in the stucco ceiling that’s been there since ’68 quake.”

Raised by a single father, a controversial sociologist, he spent his childhood as the subject of racially charged psychological studies. Despite these challenges, he believes his father’s pioneering work will result in a memoir that will solve his family’s financial woes. But when his father is killed in a police shoot-out, he realizes there never was a memoir. All that’s left is the bill for a drive-thru funeral.

Fuelled by this deceit and the general disrepair of his hometown, the narrator sets out to right another wrong: Dickens has been removed from the map to save California from further embarrassment. Enlisting the help of the town’s most famous resident—the last surviving Little Rascal, Hominy Jenkins—he initiates the most outrageous action conceivable: reinstating slavery and segregating the local high school, which lands him in the Supreme Court. His determination to fight injustice is a powerful force that drives the narrative forward.

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