Love is a Magical Force!
Estimated reading time: 14 minutes, 40 seconds
Too Far Away – October 2023
As I spoke, I could sense the tension in my voice, like a rubber band stretched to its limit. The distance between us was painfully apparent and seemed to keep us apart. I know we live far away from each other, not even in the same state,” I said, my frustration becoming more and more evident. We talked for over an hour, but it felt like we were going nowhere. I couldn’t hold back any longer and asked the woman I had fallen in love with the question that had been on my mind for so long: “How many times have I offered to visit you?” Her response was like a punch to the gut. It was the same answer I had heard every time we spoke, “Soon, we will be together.
After bidding her good night, I got out of bed to ensure all the lights were off, even though I knew they would be off as I had them connected to WiFi timers. It’s just one of those habits that I have developed over the years. After checking the lights, I paced around the room for a few minutes, taking a dozen steps to my parlor and back a few times. The rhythm of my footsteps echoed in the quiet room, and for a moment, I felt like I was the only person alive.
When I returned to the bed, something caught my eye on the right side of the bed. At first, I thought it was just my imagination playing tricks on me, but as I approached, it looked like someone was sitting on the edge of the bed. My heart skipped a beat, and I spoke quietly, hoping it was not a shadow or a trick of the light.
As I leaned closer to the bed, I realized that it was only the pillows I had held in my arms earlier to get me through the night. They were bunched up to look like human figures instead of feathers. A sense of relief washed over me, and I chuckled softly at my foolishness.
As I slipped under the covers and nestled into bed, I reached for my favorite pillow. Its plush texture and gentle embrace provided comfort I couldn’t find anywhere else. I closed my eyes and held onto it tightly, savoring the feeling as if it were a warm, comforting hug from a loved one. It may seem odd to some, but for me, there was nothing quite like the solace that this little inanimate object could bring.
As I lay there, surrounded by darkness and silence, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of loneliness. I longed for a woman’s warm, comforting embrace, the kind of intimacy that only a human connection could provide. Desperate, I turned to the pillow beside me and whispered, “I love you!” To my surprise, the empty room echoed back with a faint whisper, as if the pillow had come to life and responded to my affirmation, and the pillow had been transformed into a real woman, providing me with the human connection I craved.
Feeling a sense of relief and contentment, I pulled the pillow closer to my chest and basked in its warmth and softness. I caressed the pillow as if I were exploring a woman’s body I had never touched. I kissed the cushion despite not finding any lips. My abdomen became warm, wet, and sticky, and my body collapsed in joy and exhaustion. I drifted to sleep, grateful for moments of pleasure and comfort.
I opened my eyes to a sense of emptiness and detachment. The feeling of being all by myself in a crowded world was overwhelming. As I lay there, I couldn’t help but wonder, if the only way to find solace was by hugging a pillow, then what kind of existence was I leading? Was I a living, breathing human being, or just a machine going through the motions of life?
Love is All You Need, Or Is It? March 31, 2021
“Richard, promise me you won’t live alone for the rest of your life if something happens to me,” Jan’s voice was so loud that I was sure everyone on the fourth floor could hear her. She had been home for two days after spending weeks in the hospital. I knew that she was not well and that she might not survive, which frightened me. I asked if she believed anyone would want an older man like me.
“Richard, you are a great husband, and I appreciate how much you care for me and how focused you are on my needs,” she firmly stated, “especially when we make love.” Despite my best efforts to avoid blushing, my face turned red as the blood rushed to the surface. Jan then listed several women she said loved me and would be delighted to partner with me. Holding my hand, I stopped her and pointed out that almost all were happily married or had partners. However, she insisted there might be others, even some I might not know, who would be interested.
The room was filled with an eerie silence that seemed to last for an eternity. It felt as though the intense emotions of the moment had drained us of all our energy. That’s when Jan took a deep breath and looked me straight in my eyes. Her voice was gentle but firm as she said, “Don’t settle for just any warm body. I’m sure there will be women who will offer you that.” Despite trying to hide my emotions, I knew my face betrayed my confusion. Sensing my vulnerability, she continued, “Honey, I know you too well. Richard, be honest; you are not a one-night stand person. You’re special because you’re a romantic at heart, and you believe in love. If you fall in love again, make sure they love you just as much as you love them.”
Despite the pain and weakness that she was experiencing, Jan leaned in and kissed me. As our lips parted, tears welled up in my eyes. “I don’t want you to be alone, but I don’t want you to be with someone who can’t love you unconditionally,” she whispered. Her words echoed in my mind long after our conversation ended, and I knew they would continue to guide me on my journey.
I held onto the hope that she would recover and I wouldn’t have to take any action. However, a voice in my head kept telling me that our time was running out. I couldn’t afford to be indecisive like Solomon and split the difference between the two options. Having read countless accounts of people’s last requests before they died, I spoke from my heart and said, “I don’t want to live alone.” Though I didn’t explicitly state that I wanted to fall in love again, it was implicit in my statement. The weight of my words hit me hard, and I felt a surge of emotions rush through me. Within a week, she returned home for hospice care because they couldn’t treat her lymphoma due to COVID or the COVID due to cancer. It was a sad moment, and I knew I had to make the most of the time we had left together.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
