Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Walking to Light the Night to Cure Lymphoma

Lighting the Night to Cure Lymphoma

Lighting the Night to Cure LymphomaLast night, the Light the Night event was held in Verona Park, Verona, NJ, and I walked in memory of Jan to help find a cure for lymphoma and leukemia.

As the hundreds of walkers collectively did the countdown to commence the walk, I wept as I wanted Jan with me as a survivor so I could walk with her as her caregiver.

Although I walked alone, Jan was with me.

Together we walked to cure blood cancers so no one would die from lymphoma one day.

Light The Night supports The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society‘s mission to cure blood cancers and improve the quality of life for patients and their families. Their most significant community event joins patients, survivors, and supporters to bring light to the darkness of cancer.

Additional Light the Night Walks, will be held the next two Saturdays in NJ.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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#IWalk4 Jan, Today, and Every Day!

My love for Jan will remain strong, and I am committed to keeping her memory alive. On June 5, 2022, I participated in the Good Grief walk at Giralda Farms campus in Madison, NJ, in honor of Jan.

Although I would have preferred to walk with her on a beach, it was a privilege to join hundreds of participants of all ages who were walking or running in memory of their loved ones or significant individuals.

Ground Breaking

Wind Sculpture Installation October 24th!

Starting on Monday, October 24th, the contractor will begin the installation of the Wind Sculpture for Jan’s Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park.

It is a true blessing as this is precisely six months since her birthday and the celebration of her life.

I cried tears of joy when I heard the news!

But there is no shame in weeping; as Viktor Frankl said, “there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer. Only very few realized that.”

A good friend reminded me that “if there are no tears. There was no love.

As the sun set outside my window last night, I felt the peace and joy of Shabbat Shalom!

May Jan’s memory would be a blessing for all of us.

My heart and soul are full of love for Jan and always will be.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Breaking Ground for Jan’s Memorial Garden

It has been only three days since we broke ground on the Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park. The many friends who joined us for the day helped us with love and support. Over the next few months, we will update the garden's work progress.

Forever Grateful for Family and Friends

Forever Grateful for Family and Friends

Flower Show With FriendsBeing a widow is the most challenging journey that anyone will ever travel.

In a flash, we learned who we can count on to love and support us when we need it more than ever.

My immediate family is the core of my support team.

However, as Melissa Kirsch wrote in the NY Times, “Chosen families are created outside the structures of (and often in place of) the traditional nuclear family.”

My chosen family includes:

In addition, an essential component of my chosen family has been my fellow widows.

None of us would have ever chosen to be a widow. But, having become a widow, we have developed a priceless bond of friendship.

As Workingwomen.com wrote,

Family is more than blood and a name. The people stood by you when you needed them and made you laugh when you felt like you couldn’t.

I will forever be grateful to my chosen family.

They have filled a portion, but not all, of the hole in my heart.

Jan’s never-ending love fills the balance.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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My Chosen Family Helps Me Manage Grief

Family is and always will be crucial to my health and welfare. I love my two sons, their wives, and my two grandsons. However, I have also benefited from being part of a chosen family.

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Kirsten Robinson

Jan Will Always Be in My Heart!

Jan with a Therapy DogJan is still with me and always will be.

Recently I read Evergreen, a book of poetry by Kirsten Robinson.

Albeit a cliche, the book jumped off the shelf and into my hands when I saw it in Hickory & Hill General Store in Cranford.

Many of the poems resonate with me, such as this one.

You are gone now
from me
but not from my heart;
this is where I will carry you
always
this is my promise to you:

I will not let sadness
grow weeds in the space
you have left behind-
I will use your laughter
to water the flowers
of your big, big love
they will grow there
filling the empty caverns of my chest
they will grow in wild bundles
of joy and eternal spring
they will grow so much
that I will give some away
to other people I love
and then they, too,
will carry you in their hearts.

My love for Jan will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love.

Evergreen

Evergreen

Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson is a tribute to the enduring resilience of human nature as we cycle through times of light and darkness, much like nature itself. In her debut book, Kirsten Robinson (@NakedWriting) lays her heart bare in a raw, relatable, and inspirational way to describe the journey of growth born out of finding beauty in breakage and love after loss.

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Living Life Without Jan!

Living Life Without Jan!

Remembering Jan at Camp Widow!Life has been difficult at times but never as rough as it has been since Jan died.

After more than a year, despite improvements, the heartache remains ever-present.

I have learned the activities of daily living alone.

I help others, actively participate in two support groups, read, write, walk, and work to ensure that Jan’s love will never die.

I need to embrace Charlie Brown’s advice,

Life isn’t meant to be easy; it’s meant to be Lived. Sometimes happy other times rough. But with every up and down, you learn lessons that make you strong.

I have focused on Dr. Lois Tonkin‘s research that documents that our only option is to grow around grief, so our grief is a smaller portion of us.

One day at a time, I am learning to live without Jan physically being with me. She will always be in my heart, and our love will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love.



Will I Be the One to Grow From My Grief?

In the earliest days, I was unable to do anything but weep.

Those days are rarer but still occur. Sixteen months and counting, and despite improvements, the heartache remains ever-present.

I have focused on Dr. Lois Tonkin's research that documents that our only option is to grow around grief, so our grief is a smaller portion of us.

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The Fragility of Life

The Fragility of Life

Our Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman

Photo Courtesy of Kevin Papa

Life is as fragile as a lake coated with a thin ice sheet. We can vanish beneath the ice in a nanosecond.

I had learned the delicate nature of life before meeting Jan, having survived a fire and an attack by a German Shepard.

Jan’s diagnosis and eventual death from Lymphoma was a harsh reminder of the tenuous nature of our lives.

As Atul Gwande wrote in Being Mortal, far too many believe that we are immune to the “inescapable realities of aging and death.”

With each moment of truth about the fragility of our lives, I could have chosen to live only for myself.

But as Desmond Tutu wrote in The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World.

We are fragile creatures, and it is from this weakness, not despite it, that we discover the possibility of true joy.

When I met Jan, I found true joy, and now that she is gone, I choose a life with meaning and purpose.

One day, I hope to join Jan and have my name written into the Book of Well-Lived Lives.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love.

Being Mortal

Being Mortal

Before departing for Toronto to celebrate our 44th Wedding Anniversary, I went through the e-library. Everything on my list that I wanted to read was not available except for this book. Being Mortal by Atul Gawande is the book that I read on our vacation before my Jan's diagnosis of non-Hodgkins Large B cell Lymphoma.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Walking to Light the Night to Cure Lymphoma
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Ground Breaking
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Forever Grateful for Family and Friends
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Evergreen

Read: October 2022

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Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson

by Kirsten Robinson

Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson is a tribute to the enduring resilience of human nature as we cycle through times of light and darkness, much like nature itself. In her debut book, Kirsten Robinson (@NakedWriting) lays her heart bare in a raw, relatable, and inspirational way to describe the journey of growth born out of finding beauty in breakage and love after loss.

Albeit a cliche, the book jumped off the shelf and into my hands when I saw it in Hickory & Hill General Store in Cranford.

This artfully honest collection embodies and expands upon the poetry and prose Robinson began writing under the famous social media pseudonym Naked Writing.

I highly recommend this book and intend to keep it at my bedside for a pick-me-up.

Although I have only started reading the poems, I want to share two that resonated with me.

The first one is on giving thanks.

Give thanks for all
that is good and beautiful;
the gifts you carry
people who lift you up
your big, big love
faith and trust that your life
is unfolding as it should

Give thanks for all
that has been difficult and hard;
trials tribulations tears
tests of self strength fears
all of the unknowns and days
that broke you

Without the darkness
you would not have
learned to appreciate the light

A second one on bravery.

Bravery
is not about standing tall
after you’ve climbed up
the top of a mountain

Bravery
is looking
fear
heartache
rejection
terror
loss
death
in the eye
and saying, “no,
not today”

Bravery
is standing back up
after you’ve been brought down
to your knees


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love.

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Kirsten Robinson
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Living Life Without Jan!
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Being Mortal

Read: August 2019

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Being Mortal

by Atul Gawande

Before departing for Toronto to celebrate our 44th Wedding Anniversary, I went through the e-library. Everything on my list that I wanted to read was not available except for this book. Being Mortal by Atul Gawande is the book I read on our vacation before Jan’s diagnosis of non-Hodgkins Large B cell Lymphoma.

Selecting Being Mortal might seem an accidental choice to some, and I believe it was a divine intervention. It prepared me to be a caregiver to my wife over the nineteen months of her fight with cancer. It helped me focus on the good life that my wife lived and not the pain and suffering.

Atul Gawande describes his book as “riveting, honest, and humane, Being Mortal shows that the ultimate goal is not a good death but a good life – all the way to the very end.”

When I read the book, I wondered what I could have done to help my mother in her final years. The book provides an excellent overview of how nursing homes and assisted living have not been able to meet the needs of the residents.

Dr. Gawande provides an extensive overview of the benefits of hospice. Although I knew of this option, reading this book helped me understand that I was ready for hospice when my wife came home for the last time.

He reminds us that “when it comes to the inescapable realities of aging and death, what medicine can do often runs counter to what it should.” As he writes in the book, the current system does not work and, in many cases, actually shortens life.

This book has had a lasting impact on my life. It allowed me to be a loving caregiver to my wife when she needed it more than anything else. I read it when it would be most beneficial to me.

I highly recommend this book.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love.

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The Fragility of Life
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Whale Fall: A Novel

Read: July 2024

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Whale Fall: A Novel

by Elizabeth O'Connor

I have started reading “Whale Fall: A Novel” by Elizabeth O’Connor. With its unique blend of loss, isolation, folklore, and the journey of self-discovery, this debut novel offers a compelling narrative set in 1938 on a remote Welsh island. The story is catalyzed by the arrival of a dead whale, a powerful symbol that sets the stage for the characters’ journeys.

The story revolves around Manod, a young woman who has spent her entire life on the island. Despite their island home’s harsh yet stunning surroundings, Manod yearns to explore life beyond it, a desire that will resonate with many readers.

As two English ethnographers arrive to study the island’s culture, Manod sees it as a potential escape from her community. However, her growing involvement with them triggers a profound internal conflict. She grapples with the dilemma of pursuing her desires or remaining loyal to her community. This struggle resonates with the universal human experience, making it a compelling read for many.

Whale Fall‘ vividly portrays the tensions that surface when one person’s aspirations threaten the unity of a community. O’Connor’s narrative skillfully depicts the community and Manod on the brink, forced to confront a world that seems to infringe upon them. This evokes a sense of admiration for O’Connor’s storytelling prowess, making it a must-read for literary fiction enthusiasts.

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The Tokyo Suite

Read: April 2025

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The Tokyo Suite

by Giovana Madalosso

I recently dove into The Tokyo Suite by Giovana Madalosso, expertly translated by Bruna Dantas Lobato. This captivating book represents the English-language debut of one of Brazil’s most thrilling contemporary voices. It intricately unravels the complexities of modern family dynamics, diving deep into the hidden tensions that simmer just beneath the surface of everyday life. Each page draws you in, inviting you to explore the rich tapestry of emotions and experiences that define our relationships.

It’s a seemingly ordinary morning when Maju, a nanny, boards a bus with Cora, the young girl she’s been caring for and disappears. The abduction, an act as impulsive as it is extreme, sets off a series of events that will force each character to confront their deepest fears and desires.

Cora’s mother, Fernanda, is a successful executive who is so engulfed in her crisis that she initially fails to notice her daughter’s disappearance. Her marriage is strained, and she finds solace in an affair, distancing herself further from her family. Meanwhile, her husband, overwhelmed by the complexities of their domestic life, remains emotionally detached. As Maju navigates the streets of São Paulo with Cora, the “white army” of nannies, a term coined by Fernanda, seems to watch her every move, heightening her sense of paranoia and urgency.

Madalosso’s narrative delves deep into the human psyche, examining themes of maternal guilt, societal expectations, and the search for personal identity. Rich and multi-layered, The Tokyo Suite is a poignant and gripping tale that captures the essence of modern urban life and the lengths people will go to reclaim a sense of control and meaning.


Giovana Madalosso is a Brazilian writer and screenwriter born in Curitiba in 1975. She has been a finalist for the Biblioteca Nacional Award and the São Paulo Prize of Literature. The Tokyo Suite is her English-language debut.

Bruna Dantas Lobato is a fiction writer and translator. Her translation of Stênio Gardel‘s The Words That Remain won the 2023 National Book Award for Translated Literature. Her fiction has appeared in The New Yorker,  Guernica, A Public Space, and The Common. Raised in Natal, Brazil, she is an incoming Assistant Professor of English and Creative Writing at Grinnell College.



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Surfacing

Read: July 2021

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Surfacing

by Margaret Atwood

Surfacing by Margaret Atwood was a book I picked up on a random walk around the house. I had read The Handmaid’s Tale but was not ready to read The Testaments.

This book is a detective novel as well as a psychological thriller. A talented woman artist goes in search of her missing father on a remote island in northern Quebec. She had grown up on the island, and the journey includes her lover and another young married couple. When they arrive, the isolation and obsession of the artist shape all of their lives in unexpected ways. The marriage begins to fall apart, violence and death lurk just beneath the surface, and sex becomes a catalyst for conflict and dangerous choices.

Goodreads describes the book as,

Surfacing is a work permeated with an aura of suspense, complex with layered meanings, and written in brilliant, diamond-sharp prose. Here is a rich mine of ideas from an extraordinary writer about contemporary life and nature, families, and marriage, and about women fragmented… and becoming whole.

I also found myself captivated by the many layers of the book the search for her father, and the psychological impact on all four of them.

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Victory City: A Novel

Read: February 2023

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Victory City: A Novel

by Salman Rushdie

Victory City: A Novel by Salman Rushdie is an epic tale of a woman who breathes a fantastical empire into existence, only to be consumed by it over the centuries from the transcendent imagination of Booker Prize-winning, internationally bestselling author Salman Rushdie. It is well written and was a page-turner from page one to the end. I highly recommend this novel and encourage everyone to read it.

Brilliantly styled as a translation of an ancient epic, this is a saga of love, adventure, and myth that is a testament to storytelling’s power. After witnessing her mother’s death, the grief-stricken Pampa Kampana becomes a vessel for the goddess Parvati, who begins to speak out of the girl’s mouth. I was hooked when Pampa Kampana provided the seeds that created Victory City out of thin air.

David Remnick’s interview with Salman Rushdie in The New Yorker provided background I would have missed.

“The first kings of Vijayanagara announced, quite seriously, that they were descended from the moon,” Rushdie said. “So when these kings, Harihara and Bukka, announce that they’re members of the lunar dynasty, they’re associating themselves with those great heroes. It’s like saying, ‘I’ve descended from the same family as Achilles.’ Or Agamemnon. And so I thought, Well, if you could say that, I can say anything.”

Above all, the book is buoyed by the character of Pampa Kampana, who, Rushdie says, “just showed up in my head” and gave him his story, his sense of direction. Rushdie’s pleasure in writing the novel was in “world building” and, at the same time, writing about a character building that world: “It’s me doing it, but it’s also her doing it.” The pleasure is infectious. “Victory City” is an immensely enjoyable novel. It is also an affirmation. At the end, with the great city in ruins, what is left is not the storyteller but her words:

I, Pampa Kampana, am the author of this book.
I have lived to see an empire rise and fall.
How are they remembered now, these kings, these queens?
They exist now only in words . . .
I myself am nothing now. All that remains is this city of words.
Words are the only victors.

The Goodreads summary provides a brief overview,

In the wake of an insignificant battle between two long-forgotten kingdoms in fourteenth-century southern India, a nine-year-old girl has a divine encounter that will change the course of history. After witnessing her mother’s death, the grief-stricken Pampa Kampana becomes a vessel for the goddess Parvati, who begins to speak out of the girl’s mouth. Granting her powers beyond Pampa Kampana’s comprehension, the goddess tells her that she will be instrumental in the rise of a great city called Bisnaga–literally victory city–the wonder of the world.

Over the next two hundred and fifty years, Pampa Kampana’s life becomes deeply interwoven with Bisnaga’s, from its literal sowing out of a bag of magic seeds to its tragic ruination in the most human of ways: the hubris of those in power. Whispering Bisnaga and its citizens into existence, Pampa Kampana attempts to make good on Parvati’s task: giving women equal agency in a patriarchal world. But all stories have a way of getting away from their creator, and Bisnaga is no exception. As years pass, rulers come and go, battles are won and lost, and allegiances shift, the very fabric of Bisnaga becomes an ever more complex tapestry–with Pampa Kampana at its center.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Never Let Me Go

Read: August 2024

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Never Let Me Go

by Kazuo Ishiguro

I started reading “Never Let Me Go” by Nobel Prize winner Kazuo Ishiguro today. This novel, listed among The New York Times 100 Best Books of the Century, has also received critical acclaim for its unique narrative and thought-provoking themes. Written by the acclaimed and bestselling author of “The Remains of the Day,” it’s described as “a Gothic tour de force” with an extraordinary twist—a moving, suspenseful, beautifully atmospheric modern classic.

The story unfolds at Hailsham, an enigmatic and exclusive boarding school in the English countryside. The central characters, Kathy, Ruth, and Tommy navigate through mercurial cliques and mysterious rules. Teachers constantly remind the students of their specialness, adding an element of suspense and intrigue to the narrative.

As young adults, Kathy, Ruth, and Tommy reunite, prompting Kathy to reflect on their shared past and understand what makes them unique. The novel explores themes of identity and humanity, delving into the emotional depth of their lives, making it a genuinely thought-provoking journey that readers can deeply connect with.

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Worry: A Novel

Read: May 2024

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Worry: A Novel

by Alexandra Tanner

Today, I began reading Alexandra Tanner‘s debut novel, Worry: A Novel. The New Yorker praised it as “dryly witty,” The New York Times Book Review called it “fabulously revealing.” The story follows two siblings-turned-roommates who try to navigate an absurd world on the verge of calamity. It explores existentialism and sisterhood in a Seinfeldian style.

In March 2019, Jules Gold, a 28-year-old woman, felt anxious, frustrated with her art, and addicted to the internet. She lives alone in the apartment she used to share with her ex-fiancé. Her younger sister Poppy unexpectedly comes to stay with her indefinitely. Poppy, who attempted suicide a year and a half ago, is looking for work and purpose in Brooklyn. Meanwhile, Jules spends her days scrolling through the feeds of Mormon mommy bloggers and waiting for something to happen in her life.

Poppy’s hives, which she has had since childhood, flare up again. Jules has health problems with her uterus. Poppy adopts a poorly behaved-rescue dog named Amy Klobuchar. Poppy’s mother, who recently became a devout Messianic Jew, starts believing in the same deep-state conspiracy theories as Jules’ online mommies. Jules half-heartedly tries to find the source of her ennui and cruelly blames Poppy for not being a good enough friend, writer, or sister. As the year progresses and a new decade approaches, a disastrous trip back to Florida forces Jules and Poppy to question their futures and whether they want to spend them together or apart.

Worry is a darkly funny and deadpan portrayal of two sisters struggling through anxiety and uncertainty in America. A bold new voice in contemporary fiction writes it.

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