Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Healing by Cocooning

Healing by Cocooning

Jan Lilien and Richard W. BrownLike most widows, I have tried almost every option to manage my grief.

I have tried individual and group therapy, peer groups, and journaling.

I have cried, begged to get off the roller coaster, focused on growing around my grief, and prayed.

Each option has helped, but I have also unilaterally chosen at times to go into a healing cocoon.

It was good to read that the @the.holistic.psychologist recommended cocooning,

Normalize going into a healing cocoon where you disappear for a period of time to be alone, read, listen to podcasts, learn to set boundaries, and spend time in nature. You’ll be a completely different human being when you emerge.

At first, this seemed counterintuitive. Why would being alone help me more if I already struggle to live independently?

The healing cocoon has helped me to read, listen to podcasts, and commune with nature.

Am I a different human being? Yes, I am.

But I am also one who loves Jan more than ever.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Growing Around My Grief

As Dr. Lois Tonkin's research documents, we need to grow around grief, so our grief is a smaller portion of us. I will grow around my grief by sharing Jan's love, and my suffering will become a smaller portion of me.
Weeding Jan's Garden to Share Her Love

Weeding Jan’s Garden to Share Her Love

As Kirsten Robinson wrote, Jan is not with me physically, but her spirit remains with me and encourages me not to “let sadness grow weeds/in the space/you have left behind.” The love Jan and I shared has kept the roots strong even as the leaves and flowers have faded. With assistance from my friend Deb, a master gardener and a member of the Hanson Park Conservancy and the Green Thumb Garden Club, I salvaged some of our house plants.

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Flowers Convert 3B Into a Home

Thanks to my friend Deb, I have made a giant step in making Apartment 3B my home! Deb, a master gardener and a member of the Hanson Park Conservancy and the Green Thumb Garden Club, helped me select the plants, and she re-potted them.

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The Rabbit Hutch

The Rabbit Hutch

My sixtieth book this year, The Rabbit Hutch, was a page-turner that I highly recommend. The Rabbit Hutch by Tess Gunty is a debut novel that won the 2022 National Book Award for fiction. It is a novel about four teenagers—recently aged out of the state foster-care system—living together in an apartment building in the post-industrial Midwest, exploring the quest for transcendence and the desire for love.

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Walking to Light the Night to Cure Lymphoma

Lighting the Night to Cure Lymphoma

Lighting the Night to Cure LymphomaLast night, the Light the Night event was held in Verona Park, Verona, NJ, and I walked in memory of Jan to help find a cure for lymphoma and leukemia.

As the hundreds of walkers collectively did the countdown to commence the walk, I wept as I wanted Jan with me as a survivor so I could walk with her as her caregiver.

Although I walked alone, Jan was with me.

Together we walked to cure blood cancers so no one would die from lymphoma one day.

Light The Night supports The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society‘s mission to cure blood cancers and improve the quality of life for patients and their families. Their most significant community event joins patients, survivors, and supporters to bring light to the darkness of cancer.

Additional Light the Night Walks, will be held the next two Saturdays in NJ.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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#IWalk4 Jan, Today, and Every Day!

My love for Jan will remain strong, and I am committed to keeping her memory alive. On June 5, 2022, I participated in the Good Grief walk at Giralda Farms campus in Madison, NJ, in honor of Jan.

Although I would have preferred to walk with her on a beach, it was a privilege to join hundreds of participants of all ages who were walking or running in memory of their loved ones or significant individuals.

Ground Breaking

Wind Sculpture Installation October 24th!

Starting on Monday, October 24th, the contractor will begin the installation of the Wind Sculpture for Jan’s Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park.

It is a true blessing as this is precisely six months since her birthday and the celebration of her life.

I cried tears of joy when I heard the news!

But there is no shame in weeping; as Viktor Frankl said, “there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer. Only very few realized that.”

A good friend reminded me that “if there are no tears. There was no love.

As the sun set outside my window last night, I felt the peace and joy of Shabbat Shalom!

May Jan’s memory would be a blessing for all of us.

My heart and soul are full of love for Jan and always will be.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Breaking Ground for Jan’s Memorial Garden

It has been only three days since we broke ground on the Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park. The many friends who joined us for the day helped us with love and support. Over the next few months, we will update the garden's work progress.

Forever Grateful for Family and Friends

Forever Grateful for Family and Friends

Flower Show With FriendsBeing a widow is the most challenging journey that anyone will ever travel.

In a flash, we learned who we can count on to love and support us when we need it more than ever.

My immediate family is the core of my support team.

However, as Melissa Kirsch wrote in the NY Times, “Chosen families are created outside the structures of (and often in place of) the traditional nuclear family.”

My chosen family includes:

In addition, an essential component of my chosen family has been my fellow widows.

None of us would have ever chosen to be a widow. But, having become a widow, we have developed a priceless bond of friendship.

As Workingwomen.com wrote,

Family is more than blood and a name. The people stood by you when you needed them and made you laugh when you felt like you couldn’t.

I will forever be grateful to my chosen family.

They have filled a portion, but not all, of the hole in my heart.

Jan’s never-ending love fills the balance.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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My Chosen Family Helps Me Manage Grief

Family is and always will be crucial to my health and welfare. I love my two sons, their wives, and my two grandsons. However, I have also benefited from being part of a chosen family.

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Kirsten Robinson

Jan Will Always Be in My Heart!

Jan with a Therapy DogJan is still with me and always will be.

Recently I read Evergreen, a book of poetry by Kirsten Robinson.

Albeit a cliche, the book jumped off the shelf and into my hands when I saw it in Hickory & Hill General Store in Cranford.

Many of the poems resonate with me, such as this one.

You are gone now
from me
but not from my heart;
this is where I will carry you
always
this is my promise to you:

I will not let sadness
grow weeds in the space
you have left behind-
I will use your laughter
to water the flowers
of your big, big love
they will grow there
filling the empty caverns of my chest
they will grow in wild bundles
of joy and eternal spring
they will grow so much
that I will give some away
to other people I love
and then they, too,
will carry you in their hearts.

My love for Jan will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love.

Evergreen

Evergreen

Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson is a tribute to the enduring resilience of human nature as we cycle through times of light and darkness, much like nature itself. In her debut book, Kirsten Robinson (@NakedWriting) lays her heart bare in a raw, relatable, and inspirational way to describe the journey of growth born out of finding beauty in breakage and love after loss.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Healing by Cocooning
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Weeding Jan's Garden to Share Her Love
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The Rabbit Hutch

Read: October 2022

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The Rabbit Hutch

by Tess Gunty

My sixtieth book this year, The Rabbit Hutch, was a page-turner that I highly recommend. The Rabbit Hutch by Tess Gunty is a debut novel that won the 2022 National Book Award for fiction. It is a novel about four teenagers—recently aged out of the state foster-care system—living together in an apartment building in the post-industrial Midwest, exploring the quest for transcendence and the desire for love.

As Viktor Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, “love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.

Ms. Gunty’s book focuses on that ultimate and higher goal. If you can read only one book this year, I recommend The Rabbit Hutch!

“This week is the ceremony for the National Book Award, and one of the finalists is Tess Gunty, whose debut novel, The Rabbit Hutch, is a finalist in the fiction category,” said Kerry Nolan as she spoke with Ms. Gunty.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

The automobile industry has abandoned Vacca Vale, Indiana, leaving the residents behind, too. In a run-down apartment building on the edge of town, commonly known as the Rabbit Hutch, several people now reside quietly, looking for ways to live in a dying city. Apartment C2 is lonely and detached. C6 is aging and stuck. C8 harbors a great fear. But C4 is of particular interest.

Here live four teenagers who have recently aged out of the state foster-care system: three boys and one girl, Blandine, who The Rabbit Hutch centers around. Hauntingly beautiful and unnervingly bright, Blandine is plagued by the structures, people, and places that not only failed her but actively harmed her. Now all Blandine wants is an escape, a true bodily escape like the mystics describe in the books she reads.

Set across one week and culminating in a shocking act of violence, The Rabbit Hutch chronicles a town on the brink, desperate for rebirth. How far will its residents—especially Blandine—go to achieve it? Does one person’s gain always come at another’s expense? Tess Gunty’s The Rabbit Hutch is a gorgeous and provocative tale of loneliness and community, entrapment and freedom. It announces a major new voice in American fiction, one bristling with intelligence and vulnerability.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love.

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Walking to Light the Night to Cure Lymphoma
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Ground Breaking
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Forever Grateful for Family and Friends
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Evergreen

Read: October 2022

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Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson

by Kirsten Robinson

Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson is a tribute to the enduring resilience of human nature as we cycle through times of light and darkness, much like nature itself. In her debut book, Kirsten Robinson (@NakedWriting) lays her heart bare in a raw, relatable, and inspirational way to describe the journey of growth born out of finding beauty in breakage and love after loss.

Albeit a cliche, the book jumped off the shelf and into my hands when I saw it in Hickory & Hill General Store in Cranford.

This artfully honest collection embodies and expands upon the poetry and prose Robinson began writing under the famous social media pseudonym Naked Writing.

I highly recommend this book and intend to keep it at my bedside for a pick-me-up.

Although I have only started reading the poems, I want to share two that resonated with me.

The first one is on giving thanks.

Give thanks for all
that is good and beautiful;
the gifts you carry
people who lift you up
your big, big love
faith and trust that your life
is unfolding as it should

Give thanks for all
that has been difficult and hard;
trials tribulations tears
tests of self strength fears
all of the unknowns and days
that broke you

Without the darkness
you would not have
learned to appreciate the light

A second one on bravery.

Bravery
is not about standing tall
after you’ve climbed up
the top of a mountain

Bravery
is looking
fear
heartache
rejection
terror
loss
death
in the eye
and saying, “no,
not today”

Bravery
is standing back up
after you’ve been brought down
to your knees


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love.

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Kirsten Robinson
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Endling

Read: August 2025

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Endling: A Novel

by Maria Reva

Endling” by Maria Reva, a novel of exceptional literary merit, has been longlisted for the 2024 Booker Prize. Set in Ukraine, the story follows an eccentric scientist who breeds rare snails and two sisters pretending to be part of the marriage industry in their quest to find their activist mother. As Russia invades, they embark on a wild journey that involves kidnapped bachelors and the last of its kind snail. This darkly comic novel delves into themes of survival, love, and hope in times of increasing darkness.

In Ukraine in 2022, Yeva is a loner and a daring scientist who lives outside her mob country. She traverses the country’s forests and valleys, attempting to breed rare snails, though her efforts often fail. Meanwhile, her relatives pressured her not to settle down and start a family. What they don’t realize is that Yeva is already dating multiple men—not for love, but to fund her work—entertaining Westerners who come to Ukraine on guided romance tours believing they’ll find docile brides untainted by feminism and modernity.

Nastia and her sister, Solomiya, are also caught up in the booming marriage industry. They pose as a hopeful bride and her translator while secretly searching for their missing mother, who disappeared after years of fierce activism against the romance tours.

Together, they embark on a journey across hundreds of miles, joined by three angry women, a truckload of kidnapped bachelors, and Lefty, a rare snail with one last chance to perpetuate his species. However, their plans come to a sudden halt when Russia invades.

In a strikingly ambitious and profoundly moving metafictive narrative, Endling masterfully balances horror and family, drawing on Reva’s own experiences as a Ukrainian expat navigating her family’s struggle for survival during wartime. As fiction and reality converge on the page, Reva explores the harsh truths of war: What stories must we tell ourselves to survive? How do we maintain our routines amid military occupation? And for those watching from abroad: Can our sense of normalcy and security ever be restored, or have they always been a fragile illusion?

Endling is a tour de force from an author who weaves a story of love, loss, humor, and devastation that only she can tell.


Maria Reva was born in Ukraine and raised in Canada. She holds an MFA from the Michener Center at the University of Texas. Her fiction has been published in The Atlantic, McSweeney’s, and Best American Short Stories, among others, and has won a National Magazine Award. Additionally, she works as an opera librettist.



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Can You Feel This?

Read: January 2023

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Can You Feel This?

by Julie Orringer

Today I read Can You Feel This? by Julie Orringer. This short story rekindled so many memories. In the chaos of a maternity ward, memories of tragedy and grief come flooding back for an anxious mother-to-be as she struggles to balance her child’s needs with her healing. Although Jan and I did not have the shadows of tragedy and grief when our sons were born, this short story was more than a page-turner. Can You Feel This? reminded me of the power of the love Jan and I shared.

When our second son was born, we almost had him at home or in the as we waited too long. In Can, You Feel This? , that was not the case. Both children had two loving parents but also grandparents.

When Jan had the first of several hospitalizations, she was in the hospital where her mother died. Jan told me her feelings, and I comforted her, but I could not fully comprehend her angst.

Can You Feel This? is part of Inheritance, a collection of five stories about secrets, unspoken desires, and dangerous revelations between loved ones. Each Inheritance piece can be read or listened to in a single setting. By yourself, behind closed doors, or shared with someone you trust. This is the second one in the series I have read. The previous one was Everything That my Mother Taught Me.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Rushed into an emergency cesarean section, a woman finds herself in the same hospital where her suicidal mother died. She’s buried the trauma of her mother’s last hours—and also the dread that she might be just as vulnerable to breaking. As the new mother relives one crisis in the midst of another, prize-winning author Julie Orringer turns the joyous event of birth into a harrowing, poignant short story.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Remarkably Bright Creatures

Read: January 2024

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Remarkably Bright Creatures

by Shelby Van Pelt

Today, I recommended reading “Remarkably Bright Creatures” by Shelby Van Pelt. It’s a charming, witty, and compulsively readable exploration of friendship, reckoning, and hope. The novel traces the unlikely connection of a widow with a giant Pacific octopus, making it perfect for fans of “A Man Called Ove.” Shelby Van Pelt’s debut novel is a gentle reminder that sometimes, looking at the past can help uncover a future that once felt impossible.

The story follows Tova Sullivan, who works the night shift at the Sowell Bay Aquarium after her husband dies. Tova has been coping with loss since her eighteen-year-old son, Erik, mysteriously vanished on a boat in Puget Sound over thirty years ago.

While at the aquarium, Tova becomes acquainted with Marcellus, a grumpy giant Pacific octopus who refuses to cooperate with his human captors. However, Marcellus forms a remarkable friendship with Tova and helps her uncover the truth about her son’s disappearance.

As a detective, Marcellus uses his invertebrate body to deduce what happened when Tova’s son disappeared. Together, they embark on a journey to unearth the truth before it’s too late.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Line in the Sand- A Novel

Read: June 2023

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A Line in the Sand: A Novel

by Kevin Powers

Today I started reading A Line in the Sand: A Novel by Kevin Powers. Listed as one of the books to read this week by The New York Times, which described it as “a stunning novel. Kevin Powers provides what any discerning reader desires the most — complex and flawed characters, precise use of language, succinct description, and believable dialogue.”

One early morning on a Norfolk beach in Virginia, a dead body is discovered by a man taking his daily swim—Arman Bajalan, formerly an interpreter in Iraq. After narrowly surviving an assassination attempt that killed his wife and child, Arman has been given lonely sanctuary in the US as a maintenance worker at the Sea Breeze Motel. Now, convinced that the body is connected to his past, he knows he is still unsafe.

Seasoned detective Catherine Wheel and her newly minted partner have little to go on beyond a bus ticket in the dead man’s pocket. It leads them to Sally Ewell, a local journalist as grief-stricken as Arman is by the Iraq War, investigating a corporation on the cusp of landing a multi-billion-dollar government defense contract.

As victims mount around Arman, taking the team down wrong turns and towards startling evidence, they find themselves in a race committed to unraveling the truth and keeping Arman alive—even if it costs them everything.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Last House: A Novel

Read: May 2024

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Last House: A Novel

by Jessica Shattuck

I started reading “Last House: A Novel” by Jessica Shattuck today. She is an esteemed New York Times bestselling author known for her work “The Women in the Castle.” This sweeping narrative, perfect for “The Dutch House” and “Great Circle” fans, explores a nation’s rise to power and a family’s complex ties to the resources that shaped their wealth. It also delves into the events that led to their greatest tragedy, a secret that threatens to tear them apart.

In 1953, a World War II veteran turned company lawyer, Nick Taylor, saw oil as the key to the future. He commutes to the city for work and returns to the peaceful suburbs to be with his wife, Bet, a former codebreaker now a housewife, and their two children, Katherine and Harry. Nick, who comes from humble origins, can provide for his family, including their secluded country escape called Last House, thanks to his work for American Oil. Last House, deep in the Vermont mountains, offers the Taylors a retreat from the stresses of modern life. Bet no longer worries about the Russian H-bombs that haunt her dreams, and the children can roam freely in the woods. Last House is a place that seems capable of surviving the end of the world.

1968, a turning point in American history, where the nation teeters on the brink of transformation. The streets pulsate with protestors challenging everything from the Vietnam War to racism and even the country’s reliance on Big Oil. As Katherine enters adulthood, she finds herself caught in the era’s tide, struggling to reconcile her ideals with the privileged upbringing her parents, part of the Greatest Generation, toiled to provide. But when the Movement takes a secure, more radical turn, each member of the Taylor family must face the repercussions of their choices for the causes they believed in. This rich historical backdrop infuses the Taylor family’s narrative with depth and intrigue, leaving us hungry for more about this transformative era.

Last House” spans multiple generations and nearly eighty years, telling the story of one American family during a time of grand ideals and significant downfalls. It explores themes of family dynamics, the impact of wealth, and the societal changes that shaped America. Set against the backdrop of our nation’s history, this emotional tour de force delves deeply into questions of inheritance and what we owe each other. It captures the gravity of time, the double edge of progress, and the hubris of empire to stunning effect.

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Reluctantly Home

Read: June 2022

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Reluctantly Home

by Imogen Clark

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark is about dealing with the past—and finally facing the future-a topic that was appealing to me. Thirteen months into my grief journey, I live between a perfect past and an unknowable future. Will Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark help me manage these two worlds?

Surprisingly it did. Unlike the two protagonists, I am mourning losing Jan, the love of my life. However, the neuromapping in my brain made it impossible to understand how to continue to love Jan and separate that from the time and space connections that made me believe she would return at any moment.

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark helped me understand that grief should and cannot define us forever. I recommend this book to all readers, not only those on a grief journey like mine.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Pip Appleby seems to have it all, with her prestigious job as a human rights lawyer and her enviable London home. But then a tragic accident stops her life in its tracks, and everything changes instantly. Retreating to her family’s rural farm and the humble origins she has been trying to hide, Pip is haunted by what she has done.

When she discovers the diary of actress Evelyn Mountcastle in a box of old books, Pip revels in the opportunity to lose herself in someone else’s life rather than focus on the disaster that is her own. But soon, she sees parallels—Evelyn’s life was also beset by tragedy, and, like Pip, she returned to Southwold under a dark cloud.

When Pip and Evelyn’s paths cross in real life, they slowly begin to reveal the hidden stories holding them back. Can they help each other forgive what happened in the past and, perhaps, find happiness in the future?


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