Shadows from the Past
Estimated reading time: 15 minutes, 34 seconds
Anxiety in Inwood
“My love, remember my friend is coming to New York in January?” I had met Jan more than two weeks ago, and with her friend we had visited on Sunday, this was the second bump in the road. “She wants to come up a few days before checking into the hotel and asked if she could stay with me. I told her no. Would you be OK if she stayed with the VISTAs in the adjacent apartment?” Jan did not respond, but her face showed she was not happy.
I put the plates on the table and hugged and kissed her. “I love you!”
Jan looked me in the eyes. “You call her a friend. I call her a girlfriend if she wants to stay with you.”
“Let me explain,” I said. I took a deep breath and told the truth, nothing but the truth. “We dated briefly, but that ended a long time ago. There is nothing to worry about.”
“How long ago?”
“She broke up with me two years ago. I was slow to accept the breakup, so I kept believing it was possible until last September. I met her briefly. She was dating someone else.”
“I appreciate your openness and honesty. It was difficult for you to share how it ended with me.” I nodded to her. I wanted to say more, but it seemed she had more to say.
“But I have to say I am still concerned that she wanted to stay in your apartment, although I can’t imagine anyone, including me, who would want to stay there.”
We both laughed about my unheated, cold-water apartment.
“She is staying next door.”
Jan shook her head. “It still makes me nervous. What would you do if she knocked on your door?”
“I would ask her if she wanted to go for a walk.”
“What would you do if she knocked on your door and was naked?”
“I would tell her to get dressed.”
Jan frowned. “We have only been together two or three weeks? Having her next door might be very tempting for you. Most guys do not have any self-control. Are you sure you can control your male desires?”
“It might tempt her, but it will not tempt me!”
I hugged and kissed her.
“She is a friend. I am not interested in anything more. Nothing will happen. I promise.”
Jan looked into my eyes. “OK. But remember, girls can tell when guys cheat on them.”
“I am not worried. Nothing will happen.”
Jan seemed OK now, but then I opened my mouth and said something I regretted as soon as the words left my mouth.
“Guys can also tell when girls cheat. Can you explain what happened between you and your friend in the hospital on Sunday?”
Jan looked surprised and was momentarily mute.
“He is just a friend,” Jan growled. “That is all you need to know!”
Although I knew what I said should not have been spoken, I was shocked at how quickly she shut down the conversation.
“It’s going to be OK, sweetheart,” I said as I kissed her.
Jan smiled weakly.
“I want to make love tonight with you, but it will not change how I feel,” she said firmly.
I had avoided saying anything about that day because I did not want to know that my intuition was correct. Now the answer was staring me in the face. Despite my anxiety, all I can do is love Jan fully and without reservation.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
