Shadows from the Past
Estimated reading time: 15 minutes, 33 seconds
Friends Complicate Romance
“Hello, Jan,” I said as she answered the phone on Tuesday. “I am feeling better today. I know it is after 6, but if you are not doing anything, I might take the train to Inwood.” I felt tongue-tied as I spoke to her. I knew what I needed to do; this was the first step but not the last.
“I just got home,” Jan said. “I would love to see you.”
Forty-eight hours alone was too much for me. We agreed that I would call when I got off the A train to discuss dinner plans.
I started putting away my work papers in the tiny, shared office.
I was not going to flee, but I could not fight either, as I had no idea how to do that and succeed.
My plan was simple. I was going to love Jan fully and without reservations. My enduring love is all I can offer her. It will be enough, or it will be too little. But all I have is my love to give to Jan.
I wanted to wipe Jan’s boyfriend and the hospital conversation from my brain even though I knew that was impossible as the memory was too new and vivid.
The simple truth that all I could offer Jan was love guided me as I stood up and put on my coat. I loved Jan, and she was the only one for me. As soon as she poured the sacramental wine on my head, I knew we shared our souls, and the only future for me was with her.
As I placed my hand on the door, the phone rang. I had the keys in the door and was about not to answer it. What if Jan is calling me?
“Hello?”
“Richard, I am glad you answered. I had left a message on the home phone with someone,” the young woman’s voice said.
“Glad to hear from you.” It had been almost two years that I had waited for her to call. Why now?
“I was planning to arrive a few days before the start of the UN course and wanted to know if I could stay with you?”
As I believed I was dating someone and it was mutual, I started to say that that was impossible, but instead said, “My apartment is small and has no heat, but I could probably have you stay with my neighbors, who are also VISTA volunteers.”
Why did I make that offer? What would Jan think? If Jan asks me, the answer is that she is only a friend.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
