My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.
Today I read Can You Feel This? by Julie Orringer. This short story rekindled so many memories. In the chaos of a maternity ward, memories of tragedy and grief come flooding back for an anxious mother-to-be as she struggles to balance her child's needs with her healing. Although Jan and I did not have the shadows of tragedy and grief when our sons were born, this short story was more than a page-turner. Can You Feel This? reminded me of the power of the love Jan and I shared.
A neighbor who owns Ambelis, a local restaurant, always introduces me as the “nicest gentleman he has ever met.”
I counter and say the same thing to him.
The truth for me is that my DNA includes a helper gene.
My assistance to others includes everything from reminding people not to pay for parking when it is not in effect to paying it forward when someone might be unable to pay for an order.
If I do not help, maybe no one else will.
Helping others is part of being a mensch-in-training.
My helping gene also helps me manage my grief.
Love never dies as long as we share our passion and help each other.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
No one reads my words, and few, if any, comment on my bookshelf.
But I find myself asked to facilitate more groups and thanked for only doing what any of us would do to help each other manage our grief.
Yet, I hear more people say they listen to my words because I speak with clarity and transparency. Is there any other way that any of us should talk?
Like many of us, the votes last week for Speaker of the House were a background noise we could not ignore.
The fifteen roll call votes reminded me of an experience when I was a teenager and a member of Explorer Post 310.
We had elections for officers every six months.
I was one of the older members and had been elected vice president in the prior election.
The president moved out of town, and I became acting president.
On election night, another candidate was nominated even though I believed I had earned the position as one of the older members.
The election was a tie for three consecutive rounds. The other candidate kept offering concessions to convince one of my supporters to switch their vote. No one would change.
At the start of the fourth vote, I decided not to vote for myself so that we could elect officers and proceed. It was not an easy choice and caused angst for most of my remaining time as a post-member.
Looking back with hindsight, it was one of the best decisions I ever made.
Seven years later, I met Jan and knew that honesty and commitment were core values.
Before meeting Jan, I could have chosen to accept temporary relationships, as I wrote about in I See a Ghost, but I chose to wait for true love.
I have never regretted that decision.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Living Fully With Jan's Love!
Although I focused on what I had lost in the initial hours and days after Jan died, the only way forward was to concentrate on what I gained, not what I lost.
Subtraction ultimately leads to a negative integer.
My addition calculation begins with Merrit Malloy’s poem Epitaph, which was read at Jan’s funeral and will be a part of mine.
Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Could you give me away?
When it was read during services, Jan and I would squeeze hands and look at each other with love and affection. Epitaph was a commandment to me from Jan.
As my Rabbi reminds me, every time I see her, I have brought Jan with me by sharing her love.
When I talk to people about Jan, I bring her and her love. Those who never knew her say I wish I had met her. I responded that you did because you understand me, and I would not be who I am without Jan’s love.
Secondly, I focus on a commentary on grief we recite in unison at Temple Sha’arey Shalom,
Grief is a great teacher when it sends us back to serve and bless the living. We learn how to counsel and comfort those who, like ourselves, are bowed with sorrow. We know when to keep silent in their presence and when a word will assure them of our love and concern.
Grief has been the most outstanding teacher in my life. I have learned to live life fully with Jan’s spirit with me.
By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.
Secondly, by living fully, Rabbi Renee will have the essence of my eulogy in one sentence.
Richard lived fully. He loved Jan and brought her with him by sharing her love. He worked to repair the world and was a mensch-in-training.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
As I pray every week at Temple Sha'arey Shalom, when we remember those we lost in this passage, one of our readings is: "Grief is a great teacher when it sends us back to serve and bless the living. We learn how to counsel and comfort those who, like ourselves, are bowed with sorrow. We learn when to keep silent in their presence and when a word will assure them of our love and concern."
Light to the Hills: A Novel by Bonnie Blaylock is about Amanda Rye, a young widowed mother and traveling packhorse librarian who comes through a mountain community struck by the nation’s economic collapse in the 1930s. I recommend this page-turner as it highlights the importance of family and community. From this foundation, truth lights a path toward survival, mountain justice, forgiveness, and hope.
Small talk is one of the keys to happiness.
I always engage in conversation, even if all I say is have a nice day.
Whenever possible, I take the time to extend the conversation.
One morning this week, I was walking in Nomehegan Park when I was initially passed by a woman jogging with her dog.
We had passed each other over several months but had not said more than hello.
On that day, I mentioned how we could not see the lake due to the fog rising from the melting ice.
We chatted about the lake’s condition and how maintenance could be improved.
Is that a Swan,” my new friend asked?
We halted to watch a swan bathe by the lake’s edge.
“She seems to be embarrased having us look at her taking a bath,” I said.
“if you bathe in public you cannot be embarrased if people look at you,” she responded.
Not Shakseperian, but the small talk made us happier and the balance of our morning exercise more enjoyable.
Small talk works!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
These Feet Were Made for Walking
On Friday, the temperature for my morning walk was 55 degrees Fahrenheit.
Today was the polar opposite.
The reading on my Weather app was 5 Fahrenheit (-15 Celsius). With the wind, it felt like -13 Fahrenheit (-25 Celsius).
Yesterday, I walked 7.26 miles. Today I could only go 4.34 miles as nature, exacerbated by the cold, made an urgent call.
Six months ago, Wes’s smile changed my life.
Wes Jude Nucero was born on July 3, 2022, at 14:00 hours (2 PM).
He was born fourteen months after his grandma Jan’s death and the love of my life.
His smile is just like Jan’s; it melts my heart and brings me happiness.
Not a day goes by that I do not dream that Jan could meet her newest grandson.
That cannot happen, but Wes has Jans’s smile, which soothes my soul.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Smiling Wes is Five Months Old!
Wes, how old are you now?
Wes is five months old today!
As I have shared previously, Wes has Jan's smile.
Whenever I see Wes, his smile, like Jan's, wins my heart.
Until his birth, I counted the third of every month as a recurring nightmare of the day Jan died.
Now, I wake up and remember when Wes was born.
by Julie Orringer
Today I read Can You Feel This? by Julie Orringer. This short story rekindled so many memories. In the chaos of a maternity ward, memories of tragedy and grief come flooding back for an anxious mother-to-be as she struggles to balance her child’s needs with her healing. Although Jan and I did not have the shadows of tragedy and grief when our sons were born, this short story was more than a page-turner. Can You Feel This? reminded me of the power of the love Jan and I shared.
When our second son was born, we almost had him at home or in the as we waited too long. In Can, You Feel This? , that was not the case. Both children had two loving parents but also grandparents.
When Jan had the first of several hospitalizations, she was in the hospital where her mother died. Jan told me her feelings, and I comforted her, but I could not fully comprehend her angst.
Can You Feel This? is part of Inheritance, a collection of five stories about secrets, unspoken desires, and dangerous revelations between loved ones. Each Inheritance piece can be read or listened to in a single setting. By yourself, behind closed doors, or shared with someone you trust. This is the second one in the series I have read. The previous one was Everything That my Mother Taught Me.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
Rushed into an emergency cesarean section, a woman finds herself in the same hospital where her suicidal mother died. She’s buried the trauma of her mother’s last hours—and also the dread that she might be just as vulnerable to breaking. As the new mother relives one crisis in the midst of another, prize-winning author Julie Orringer turns the joyous event of birth into a harrowing, poignant short story.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Subscribe to Sharing Jan's Love Newsletter!
by Bonnie Blaylock
Light to the Hills: A Novel by Bonnie Blaylock is about Amanda Rye, a young widowed mother and traveling packhorse librarian who comes through a mountain community struck by the nation’s economic collapse in the 1930s. I recommend this page-turner as it highlights the importance of family and community. From this foundation, truth lights a path toward survival, mountain justice, forgiveness, and hope.
The novel was recommended by Olivia Hawker, bestselling author of The Fire and the Ore, who said, “Light to the Hills is a touching meditation on motherhood and the importance of community, especially during difficult times.”
Last year I read a modern tale about Appalachia, Demon Copperhead. Both are good novels but very different.
Light to the Hills was a feel-good read despite the problems faced by Ms. Rye and the MacInteer family. It was precisely the book I needed to read this week.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
The folks in the Kentucky Appalachians are scraping by. Coal mining and hardscrabble know-how are a way of life for these isolated people. But when Amanda Rye, a young widowed mother and traveling packhorse librarian, comes through a mountain community walloped by the nation’s economic collapse, she brings with her hope, courage, and apple pie. Along the way, Amanda takes a shine to the MacInteer family, especially to the gentle Rai, her quick-study daughter, Sass, and Finn, the eldest son who’s easy to warm to. They remind Amanda of her childhood and her parents with whom she longs to be reconciled.
Her connection with the MacInteers deepens, and Amanda shares with them a dangerous secret from her past. When that secret catches up with Amanda in the present, she, Rai, Sass, and Finn find their lives intersecting—and threatened—in the most unexpected ways. Now, they must come together as the truth lights a path toward survival, mountain justice, forgiveness, and hope.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by N. K. Jemisin
The City We Became: A Novel by N. K. Jemisin is my first science fiction and urban fantasy novel in quite some time. It is a story of culture, identity, magic, and myths in contemporary New York City. Jan and I had lived in New York City, and the book brought back fond memories.
Every great city has a soul. Some are ancient as myths, and others are as new and destructive as children.
But every City also has a dark side. A roiling, ancient evil stirs beneath the earth, threatening to destroy the City and her five protectors unless they can come together and stop it once and for all.
As Jemisin writes:
A city is never alone, not really — and this city seems less solitary than most. More like a family: many parts, frequently squabbling … but in the end, against enemies, they come together to protect one another. They must, or die.
The challenge is when evil forces threaten the City; the entire community needs to unite, and the City’s avatars for each of the five boroughs.
Initially, this is supposed to be one for each borough and one for the entire City. In the end, one of the avatars for the five boroughs chooses not to unite with the others. Without all six, they stand no chance to defeat the forces of evil.
How do they solve this? By adding the sixth borough – Jersey City.
I recommend this book without reservation.
When you buy a book or product using a link on this page, I receive a commission. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Zadie Smith
I started reading The Fraud: A Novel by Zadie Smith today. The book is a kaleidoscopic work of historical fiction that revolves around a legal trial that divided Victorian England. The story is set in 1873, where Mrs. Eliza Touchet, a Scottish housekeeper and cousin by marriage of a once-famous novelist, William Ainsworth, lives with him for thirty years. Mrs. Touchet is interested in literature, justice, abolitionism, class, and her cousin’s wives.
However, she is skeptical of her cousin’s talent, Mr. Charles Dickens’ character, and England’s facades, in which nothing is as it seems.
On the other hand, Andrew Bogle grew up enslaved on the Hope Plantation in Jamaica. He knows that every lump of sugar comes at a human cost, that the rich deceive the poor, and that people are more easily manipulated than they realize. When Bogle finds himself in London, a star witness in a celebrated case of imposture, he knows that his future depends on telling the right story.
The “Tichborne Trial” captivates Mrs. Touchet and all of England. The trial involves a lower-class butcher from Australia who claimed he was the rightful heir of a sizable estate and title. The question is whether Sir Roger Tichborne is genuinely who he says he is or whether he’s a fraud. In a world of hypocrisy and self-deception, deciding what’s real is complicated for Mrs. Touchet and Mr. Bogle.
The Fraud is a dazzling novel about truth and fiction, Jamaica and Britain, fraudulence and authenticity, and the mystery of “other people.” It’s based on historical events.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Imogen Clark
Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark is about dealing with the past—and finally facing the future-a topic that was appealing to me. Thirteen months into my grief journey, I live between a perfect past and an unknowable future. Will Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark help me manage these two worlds?
Surprisingly it did. Unlike the two protagonists, I am mourning losing Jan, the love of my life. However, the neuromapping in my brain made it impossible to understand how to continue to love Jan and separate that from the time and space connections that made me believe she would return at any moment.
Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark helped me understand that grief should and cannot define us forever. I recommend this book to all readers, not only those on a grief journey like mine.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview.
Pip Appleby seems to have it all, with her prestigious job as a human rights lawyer and her enviable London home. But then a tragic accident stops her life in its tracks, and everything changes instantly. Retreating to her family’s rural farm and the humble origins she has been trying to hide, Pip is haunted by what she has done.
When she discovers the diary of actress Evelyn Mountcastle in a box of old books, Pip revels in the opportunity to lose herself in someone else’s life rather than focus on the disaster that is her own. But soon, she sees parallels—Evelyn’s life was also beset by tragedy, and, like Pip, she returned to Southwold under a dark cloud.
When Pip and Evelyn’s paths cross in real life, they slowly begin to reveal the hidden stories holding them back. Can they help each other forgive what happened in the past and, perhaps, find happiness in the future?
When you buy a book or product using a link on this page, I receive a commission. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Jesmyn Ward
I started reading Jesmyn Ward‘s novel Sing, Unburied, Sing today. The New York Times selected it as one of the best books of the 21st century and awarded it the National Book Award. According to The New York Times, Jesmyn Ward‘s historic second National Book Award winner is “perfectly poised for the moment.” It’s an intimate portrait of three generations of a family and an epic tale of hope and struggle.
Jojo is thirteen years old and is trying to understand what it means to be a man. He has several father figures to learn from, including his Black grandfather, Pop. However, Jojo’s understanding is complicated by other men in his life: his absent White father, Michael, who is being released from prison; his absent White grandfather, Big Joseph, who refuses to acknowledge him; and the memories of his deceased uncle, Given, who died as a teenager.
His mother, Leonie, is inconsistent in her and her toddler daughter’s lives. She is a flawed mother in constant conflict with herself and those around her. She is Black, and her children’s father is White. She wants to be a better mother but struggles to prioritize her children over her own needs, particularly her drug use. Tormented and comforted by visions of her deceased brother, which only come to her when she’s high, Leonie is embattled in ways that reflect the harsh reality of her circumstances.
When their father is released from prison, Leonie takes her kids and a friend in her car and drives north to Mississippi and Parchman Farm, the State Penitentiary. At Parchman, there is another thirteen-year-old boy, the ghost of a deceased inmate who carries the ugly history of the South with him in his wanderings. With his supernatural presence, this ghostly figure also has something to teach Jojo about fathers and sons, legacies, violence, and love.
Described as a majestic and unforgettable family story, ‘Sing, Unburied, Sing‘ is rich with Ward‘s distinctive, lyrical language. As noted by The Philadelphia Inquirer, her unique narrative style takes readers on ‘an odyssey through rural Mississippi’s past and present.’
by Yrsa Daley-Ward
In “The Catch,” her captivating debut novel, Yrsa Daley-Ward creates a vibrant multiverse that delves into the complexities of daughterhood and mother-want. She explores the sacrifices women often make in their pursuit of self-actualization. The result is a remarkable novel that boldly poses the question: “How can it ever be a crime to choose yourself?”
Twin sisters Clara and Dempsey have always struggled to connect, their familial bond severed after their mother vanished into the Thames. As infants, they were adopted by different families: Clara went to live with a successful, upper-class couple, while a distant and unaffectionate city councilor took in Dempsey. As adults, the sisters have settled into a comfortable estrangement until Clara spots a woman on the streets of London who looks exactly like their mother. The twist? This version of Serene appears ageless and has lived a childless life — the very life she might have had if the girls had never been born.
As with most things, Clara and Dempsey cannot agree on the strange appearance of this woman. Clara, a celebrity author with a penchant for excessive drinking and one-night stands, is eager to welcome the confident and temperamental Serene into her home. In contrast, reclusive Dempsey, who makes a modest living doing menial data entry work from her apartment, is suspicious of the entire situation, believing it to be a cunning scheme by a con woman.
As the sisters clash over this stranger who increasingly intrudes into their lives, they hurtle toward a confrontation that threatens their very existence, ultimately forcing them to face their shared past together.
Yrsa Daley-Ward is a poet, writer, and actress. She is the author of The How, bone, and The Terrible, for which she won the PEN Ackerley Prize. She lives in Los Angeles.
When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!
Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!
The Secrets We Left Behind by Soraya M. Lane is a historical fiction that raises the question, where were the women after Dunkirk and the fall of France? When World War II appeared to have been lost with a Nazi victory. Ms. Lane watched the movie Dunkirk and then researched that time and the women’s possible roles during that difficult moment in history.
She connected the evacuation at Dunkirk to the Massacre at Le Paradis, fifty miles away, to connect a British nurse and two French women whose strength helps them survive Nazi-occupied France. Three British male soldiers, two of whom survived the massacre and one who escaped Dunkirk, have secondary roles in the novel.
The Secrets We Left Behind is the story of the three strong women and their efforts to survive the occupation while hiding the three soldiers. This focus on the role of women has been long overdue in history. Ms. Lane, who studied to be a lawyer, has found a career as a writer. The Secrets We Left Behind is the first book I have read, but it will not be the last one by Ms. Lane that I read.
I strongly recommend this book!
The Goodreads synopsis provides an overview of the novel.
How far will they go for family, friendship, and love? Occupied France, 1940. When the staff at a field hospital draw straws to find out who will join the evacuation from Dunkirk, Nurse Cate is left behind. But when the Nazis arrive to claim prisoners of war, she takes her chance and flees into the night, taking one patient with her.
Fifty miles away, the surrendering soldiers of the Royal Norfolk Regiment are shot dead by the advancing Germans. Beneath the pile of bodies, two men survive, crawling to the safety of a nearby farmhouse, where sisters Elise and Adelaide risk their lives to take them in. When Cate, too, arrives at their door with her injured soldier, the pressure mounts.
The sisters are risking everything to keep their visitors safe. But with the Nazis coming ever closer and relationships in the farmhouse intensifying, they must all question the sacrifices they are willing to make for the lives of others. How far will they go for family, friendship, and love?
When you buy a book or product using a link on this page, I receive a commission. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
