Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Visiting Jan During COVID

Hospice is the Only Option

Celebrate JanA year ago, my sons and I had the most challenging task we had ever faced.

With Drs. Sakesena and Strair, and Rabbi Renee Edelman, we had to tell the mother of my two sons that the only option for her hospice.

On my own, I could not have managed this. I am forever grateful to my sons and our Rabbi for their love and support. A new post provides background on this day.

I thought it was the beginning of saying goodbye to Jan. But love never dies; we have entered a new phase, and our passion is more robust.

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Home for Hospice

I must focus all my attention on Jan, who will come home for hospice care. Although resources are limited, I will give Jan my utmost love and support.
Jan in the Ocean

Small Pebble in Widow Creek

Celebrate Jan

I have been a small pebble in the fast-moving widow creek for eleven months. The churning waters have bounced me from one side of the river to the other. At times, I have been dunked underwater, unable to breathe. Wiser, more experienced widows have protected me from the rapids by sidelining me in an eddy’s churning waters. The river eddy can spin me around and send me backward. But at least I avoid total disaster.

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Ten Alternate Words for Widow

On January 3rd, I wrote an article titled "Why Am I Still Defined as a Widow?". In the article, I expressed my confusion and frustration over being referred to as a widow despite having moved on from the loss of my spouse. I explained how I have chosen to live life to the fullest with meaning and purpose and have discovered the transformative power of loving and being loved. I also mentioned that I play many roles in life, including that of a father, grandfather, community activist, advocate, and observant Jew. I am a complex and multifaceted individual. Therefore, I requested the reader to consider me as such.

My friend and reader of my blog, Mark Annett, read my blog post. He wrote, "Your quest for a new term for the widow was noble. So, I shared your post with ChatGPT for some help. Here is what it came up with…

The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Let the Light Shine Bright and Drive out the Darkness

Celebrate JanYesterday was the fifty-fourth anniversary of the assassination of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. It was a pivotal moment for our country and Jan and me.

Many of his quotes resonate with me. This one more now than ever.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

Jan’s love was the light that banished the darkness. She is still with me now and always will be.

Her everlasting love ensures that I will not lose my way and fall into an abyss of despair.

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My Evil Mother: A Short Story

My Evil Mother: A Short Story

My Evil Mother: A Short Story by Margaret Atwood was a free book with your Prime Reading membership. I highly recommend it as it is one of my best books this year. My Evil Mother was an enjoyable read and reminded me why she is a great author and why short stories are unique and special. As the NY Times described, My Evil Mother, is a bittersweet short story about mothers, daughters' witches' brew of love—and control. 

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Another Day, Another Decade Older

My Back Against the Wall

Celebrate JanYesterday was the anniversary of the first time we almost lost Jan. She rebounded healthier, more vibrant, and more resilient.

Within days, Jan’s home hospice began with days.

From feeling on top of the original World Trade Center on April 3, it felt as if I dropped quickly to the 78th-floor Sky Lobby, rebounded a few floors, and then went into free fall to the ground floor.

The whiplash of free-falling made me more resilient and forced me to learn that when my back is against the wall, I have no choice but to move forward.

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Confident Jan

Eleven, Twelve, or None

Celebrate JanToday is eleven months since Jan, the love of my life, died.

But it also could have been the first anniversary.

A year ago, she had emergency surgery to install a stent and was in the ICU with a blood pressure of 70 over 40 and a temperature of 100.

It could have been fatal had we delayed going to the hospital.

Instead, when I visited her a year ago, she was the healthiest in years. I thought we had survived the worst, and she would only get better.

Even though that did not happen, our love will never die.

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Help Me Help, Jan

Feeling the warmth of her smile, she seemed like the healthiest she had been in years.

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Visiting Jan During COVID
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Jan in the Ocean
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The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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The Half-Life of Ruby Fielding: A Novel

Read: April 2022

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The Half-Life of Ruby Fielding: A Novel

by Lydia Kang

The Half-Life of Ruby Fielding: A Novel by Lydia Kang is a spellbinding historical mystery about hidden identities, wartime paranoia, and the compelling power of deceit. It was my free April book from First Reads, and it was a page-turner that I highly recommend.

The first year of World War II and the Manhattan Project is the backdrop of this historical fiction. The siblings’ Will and Maggie Scripps are well-defined andy sympathetic characters. I will leave it for the reader to find out the truth about them. Ruby Fielding is a fascinating character, although it takes time for her to be fully developed.

Again, I highly recommend this novel!

Goodreads provides a concise overview.

Brooklyn, 1942. War rages overseas as brother and sister Will and Maggie Scripps contribute to the war effort stateside. Ambitious Will secretly scouts for the Manhattan Project while grief-stricken Maggie works at the Navy Yard, writing letters to her dead mother between shifts.

But the siblings’ quiet lives change when they discover a beautiful woman hiding under their back stairs. This stranger harbors an obsession with poisons, an affection for fine things, and a singular talent for killing small creatures. As she draws Will and Maggie deeper into her mysterious past, they both begin to suspect she’s quite dangerous―all while falling helplessly under her spell.

With whispers of spies in dark corners and the world’s first atomic bomb in the works, the visitor’s sudden presence in Maggie’s and Will’s lives raises questions about who she is and what she wants. Is this mysterious woman someone they can trust―or a threat to everything they hold dear?

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My Evil Mother: A Short Story

Read: April 2022

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My Evil Mother: A Short Story

by Margaret Atwood

My Evil Mother: A Short Story by Margaret Atwood was a free book with your Prime Reading membership. I have always enjoyed reading Ms. Atwood’s books. My Evil Mother was an enjoyable read and reminded me why she is a great author and why short stories are unique and special. As the NY Times described, My Evil Mother, is a bittersweet short story about mothers, daughters’ witches’ brew of love—and control. I highly recommend it as it is one of my best books this year. 

Goodreads provides a concise overview.

Life is hard enough for a teenage girl in 1950s suburbia without having a mother who may—or may not—be a witch. A single mother at that. Sure, she fits in with her starched dresses, string of pearls, and floral aprons. Then there are the hushed and mystical consultations with neighborhood women in distress. The unsavory, mysterious plants in the flower beds. The divined warning to steer clear of a boyfriend whose fate is certainly doomed. But as the daughter of this bewitching homemaker comes of age and her mother’s claims become more and more outlandish, she begins to question everything she once took for granted.

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Another Day, Another Decade Older
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Confident Jan
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The Sunset Years of Agnes Sharp

Read: August 2023

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The Sunset Years of Agnes Sharp

by Leonie Swann

I began reading The Sunset Years of Agnes Sharp by Leonie Swann, translated by Amy Bojang. The book follows a unique group of senior citizens as they try to solve one murder while hiding another, all with the assistance of an innovative tortoise. The mystery is full of twists and turns and is cleverly written by the same author who wrote Three Bags Full, adding a darkly humorous touch to the plot.

It has been an eventful morning for Agnes Sharp and the other inhabitants of Sunset Hall, a house shared by the old and unruly in the sleepy English countryside. Although they have had some issues (misplaced reading glasses, conflicting culinary tastes, decreasing mobility, and gluttonous grandsons), nothing prepares them for an unexpected visit from a police officer with some shocking news. A body has been discovered next door. Everyone puts on a long face for show, but they are secretly relieved the body in question is not the one they’re currently hiding in the shed (sorry, Lillith).

The answer to their little problem with Lillith may have fallen right into their laps. All they have to do is find out who murdered their neighbor so they can pin Lillith’s death on them, thus killing two (old) birds with one stone (cold killer).

Agnes and her group of elderly friends are eager to begin their plan. They believe that creating a mystery will divert suspicion away from themselves. To investigate, they will venture out of their comfort zone and into the less-than-ideal village of Duck End. Along the way, they will encounter suspicious bakers, malfunctioning stairlifts, incompetent criminals, the local authorities, and their hidden secrets.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Train to Moscow

Read: February 2022

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A Train to Moscow

by Elena Gorokhova

A Train to Moscow by Elena Gorokhova is set in post–World War II Russia; a girl, must reconcile a tragic past with her hope for the future in this powerful and poignant novel about family secrets, passion, loss, perseverance, and ambition. In a small, provincial town behind the Iron Curtain, Sasha lives in a house full of secrets, one of which is her dream of becoming an actress.

When she leaves for Moscow to audition for drama school, she defies her mother and grandparents and abandons her first love, Andrei.

Before she leaves, Sasha discovers the hidden war journal of her uncle Kolya, an artist still missing in action years after the war has ended. His pages expose the official lies and the forbidden truth of Stalin’s brutality. Kolya’s revelations and tragic love story guide Sasha through drama school and cement her determination to live a thousand lives onstage.

After graduation, she begins acting in Leningrad, where Andrei, now a Communist Party apparatchik, becomes a censor of her work. As a past secret comes to light, Sasha’s ambitions converge with Andrei’s duties, and Sasha must decide if her dreams are genuinely worth the necessary sacrifice and if, as her grandmother likes to say, all will indeed be well.

This was a page-turner, as I held my breath to find out the next steps that Sasha would take. Her ambition combined with the secrets she learns keeps the reader focused on the next page.

I recommend this book.

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Lucy by the Sea: A Novel

Read: November 2022

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Lucy by the Sea: A Novel

by Elizabeth Strout

Lucy by the Sea: A Novel by Elizabeth Strout is a poignant, pitch-perfect novel about a divorced couple stuck together during lockdown–and the love, loss, despair, and hope that animate us even as the world seems to be falling apart. Having lost Jan during Covid, I was apprehensive about reading this book. However, it was not only a page-turner but also a novel that gave me a new perspective on loss which helped me manage my grief.

With her trademark spare, crystalline prose, Elizabeth Strout turns her exquisitely tuned eye to the inner workings of the human heart, following the indomitable heroine of My Name Is Lucy Barton through the early days of the pandemic.

I highlighted several passages that specifically spoke to me.

We all live with people—and places—and things—that we have given great weight to. But we are weightless, in the end.

Who knows why people are different? We are born with a certain nature, I think. And then the world takes its swings at us.

It has been said that the second year of widowhood is worse than the first—the idea being, I think, that the shock has worn off and now one has to live with the loss, and I had been finding that to be true, even before I came to Maine with William. But now there were times I felt that I was just learning of David’s death again for the first time. And I would be privately staggered by grief. And to be in this place where David had never been (!)—I was really dislocated is what I mean.

And I also understood: Grief is a private thing. God, is it a private thing.

We are all in lockdown, all the time. We just don’t know it, that’s all. But we do the best we can. Most of us are just trying to get through.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

As a panicked world goes into lockdown, Lucy Barton is uprooted from her life in Manhattan and bundled away to a small town in Maine by her ex-husband and on-again, off-again friend, William. For the next several months, it’s just Lucy, William, and their complex past together in a little house nestled against the moody, swirling sea.

Rich with empathy and emotion, Lucy by the Sea vividly captures the fear and struggles that come with isolation, as well as the hope, peace, and possibilities that those long, quiet days can inspire. At the heart of this story are the deep human connections that unite us even when we’re apart–the pain of a beloved daughter’s suffering, the emptiness that comes from the death of a loved one, the promise of a new friendship, and the comfort of an old, enduring love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Surgeon's Daughter

Read: July 2022

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The Surgeon’s Daughter

by Audrey Blake

I did something I had not done in decades. After finishing the Big Library Read of 2022, The Girl in His Shadow, by Audrey Blake, I immediately started reading the sequel, The Surgeon’s Daughter. The protagonist, Nora Beady, was such a strong female lead that I could not wait to find out what happened next. In the sequel, Nora Beady, the only female student at a prestigious medical school in Bologna, is a rarity. Nora’s tenacity and passion reminded me of Jan, the love of my life.

In the 19th century, women were supposed to remain at home and raise children, so her unconventional, indelicate ambitions to become a licensed surgeon offended the men around her.

Ms. Blake has a split personality— because she is the creative alter ego of writing duo Jaima Fixsen and Regina Sirois, two authors who met as finalists of a writing contest and have been writing together happily ever since.

The pen name – Audrey Blake – was in response to the publishers recommending a more straightforward author’s name. Regina’s daughter is named Audrey, and Jaima’s son is Blake.

The Surgeon’s Daughter is the forty-fourth book I have read this year and the ninety-ninth since the beginning of 2019. My Goodreads goal for 2022 was twenty-two books.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Under constant scrutiny, Nora’s successes are taken for granted; her mistakes used as proof that women aren’t suited to the field.

Everything changes when she allies herself with Magdalena Morenco, the sole female doctor on-staff. Together the two women develop new techniques to improve a groundbreaking surgery: the Cesarean section. It’s a highly dangerous procedure and the research is grueling, but even worse is the vitriolic response from men. Most don’t trust the findings of women, and many can choose to deny their wives medical care.

Already facing resistance on all sides, Nora is shaken when she meets a patient who will die without the surgery. If the procedure is successful, her work could change the world. But a failure could cost everything: precious lives, Nora’s career, and the role women will be allowed to play in medicine.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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How to Read a Book: A Novel

Read: May 2024

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How to Read a Book: A Novel

by Monica Wood

I started reading Monica Wood‘s “How to Read a Book: A Novel” today. It’s a heartfelt and uplifting story about a chance encounter at a bookstore—the novel delves into themes of redemption, unlikely friendships, and the life-changing power of sharing stories. With Monica Wood’s characteristic heart, wit, grace, and understanding, the novel illuminates the decisions that shape a life and the kindnesses that make life meaningful.

The story revolves around three characters: Violet Powell, a twenty-two-year-old from rural Abbott Falls, Maine, who is being released from prison after serving twenty-two months for a drunk-driving crash that killed a local kindergarten teacher; Harriet Larson, a retired English teacher who runs the prison book club and is facing the prospect of an empty nest; and Frank Daigle, a retired machinist who is struggling to come to terms with the complexities of his marriage to the woman Violet killed.

Their lives unexpectedly intersect one morning in a bookstore in Portland, Maine. Violet buys the novel she read in the prison book club before her release, Harriet selects the following title for the remaining women, and Frank fulfills his duties as the store handyman. Their encounters set off a chain of events that will profoundly change them.

How to Read a Book is a candid and hopeful story about releasing guilt, embracing second chances, and the profound impact of books on our lives.

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Mercy Street: A Novel

Read: February 2023

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Mercy Street: A Novel

by Jennifer Haigh

Mercy Street: A Novel by Jennifer Haigh is a tense, riveting story about the disparate lives intersecting at a Boston women’s clinic. The novel was named Best Book of the Year by the Washington Post, the New Yorker, and the Boston Globe. Mercy Street is a novel for right now, a story of the polarized American present. Ms. Haigh is a gifted storyteller who has written a very readable book. I highly recommend it. 

I truly enjoyed Mercy Street. I read her short story Zenith Man and enjoyed her storytelling skills. I wanted to read her most recent novel. Until the last few pages, I was unsure how Ms. Haigh‘s intricate storylines could conclude the story. Usually, I can predict how a story will unfold well before I finish reading it. Mercy Street was a rare exception to that rule.

I have never had to run the gauntlet in front of a women’s clinic, but Ms. Haigh has made that experience so real that I could taste it. The day-to-day work of the staff and the clients was detailed and believable. The male characters, Timmy, the affable pot dealer; Anthony, a lost soul; and Excelsior11, the screenname of Victor Prine, were drafted credibly.

As stated earlier, I highly recommend this book.


Jennifer Haigh is the author of seven best-selling, critically acclaimed works of fiction. Her first, Mrs. Kimble, won the PEN Hemingway Award for debut fiction. Her latest, Mercy Street, was named a Best Book of 2022 by the New Yorker and won the Mark Twain American Voice in Literature Award. A Guggenheim fellow and Iowa Writers’ Workshop graduate, she lives in Boston.


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