Jan and Ana

Jan and Ana Visit During Hospice

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Home for Hospice

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes, 53 seconds

Home for Hospice

Hello, sweetheart; how are you today?” I had arrived at the hospital for Wednesday’s visit knowing that I could not tell Jan about hospice. I have never been a poker player because I cannot hide my feelings. Today would be difficult, but I had no choice but to hold back my emotions and keep the information to myself. 

I am happy to see you, but I am tired of the hospital. I can’t wait until I am home with you.”

Holding back tears, I kissed her lips.

Almost as soon as I arrived, they came in to give her another blood transfusion. 

I stepped out of the way, but there was not much space in this room. It was a small hospital room as the bed filled up almost of the space. The sitting area was minimal.How will we fit everyone in when we tell her about hospice?

Once the transfusion started, I sat next to her and handed her the milkshake. 

“This is so good!”

“I love you,” I said. “We got this one from Vanilla Bean Creamery.”

I tried to help her best, but COVID rules would not allow me to go out of the room to get ice chips or ask for anything.

After lunch, she napped, and I nervously watched the time. We had agreed on 2 pm for the meeting with Jan. 

“Did you have a good nap?” It was now 1:45 pm.

I got up to stretch and look down the hallway. 

As happy as I was to see Mike and Jon, I felt my stomach drop to my ankles.

“It’s my sons!”

I was able to get them in today as a special treat for you,” I said while still hiding the truth.

Jon sat on her right side and Mike on the other. Any other moment in our lives and this would have been a joyous reunion. 

Rabbi Renee walked in just after them. 

“Jan, how are you feeling?”

“This is a real surprise. My sons and my Rabbi!”

While she greeted everyone, I stepped toward the doorway to catch my breath and wipe away tears. I must be fully present for Jan. I have to love her more now than ever. She would hear the news that she only had weeks to live in a few moments.

I looked up, and Dr. Saksena was standing in the doorway. 

“It looks like you have a full house today! How are you feeling,” Dr. Saksena asked.

The Rabbi was on the far end of the couch by the window. Dr. Saksena sat in the middle, and I stood next to her. 

“Jan, as I said, I consulted with Dr. Strair about the next steps.”

Jan smiled and waited on the news.

“What would you like to do? If you were cancer-free.

“Finish re-building my office, travel, and spend time with my sons.”

As you know, we have done three treatments, and the lymphoma is still inside you and very aggressive.

Jan nodded her head.

We cannot treat the lymphoma because of COVID and cannot treat the COVID because of the lymphoma. Unfortunately, we only have one option left. Our recommendation is hospice care.

Jan looked straight ahead, and I wanted to leap across the bed and hold her. 

After what seemed like an hour but was only a minute, Jan asked, “How much time do I have left?”

“Only a few weeks.”

The tension in the room was unbearable. I tried to work my way next to Jon to hold her hand, but there was not enough room. 

“OK. I know an agency that does hospice care.

“You are coming home or to my house,” said Mike. 

“Is there enough room?”

Mike and I have already started to talk to the hospice team in the hospital,” said Jon. 

“Home is where you need to be, honey. Home with all of us,” I said.

Dr. Saksena left, and we talked about logistics. I could not focus on the logistics.All I could think about was whether could I live without the love of my life?

After an hour, everyone left except for me. 

All I could say to her was how much I loved her. 

Jan was serene and had accepted hospice easier than I had. 

When I left Jan to go home in the evening, I stood in the parking deck and wept openly. 

I looked at my phone and saw this text message from Dr. Strair. 

Best wishes to Janice and your family for peace and comfort.

April 7, 6:05 pm

“God grant me the strength to love Jan more than ever and help her find peace and comfort,” I screamed as I got into the car. 

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Jackal's Mistress

Read: March 2025

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The Jackal’s Mistress

by Chris Bohjalian

Today, I dove into “The Jackal’s Mistress” by Chris Bohjalian, a gripping Civil War love story inspired by a true friendship that defied the odds. It follows the wife of a missing Confederate soldier as she stumbles upon a wounded Yankee officer. With the battlefield’s tension looming, she faces a heart-wrenching choice: How much is she willing to risk for the life of a stranger?

Written by a New York Times bestselling author renowned for captivating historical novels like “Hour of the Witch” and “The Sandcastle Girls,” this tale promises an unforgettable journey of love and sacrifice.

Virginia, 1864—Libby Steadman’s husband has been away so long that she can barely remember his voice in her dreams. While she longs for him at night, fearing he is dead in a Union prison camp, her days are spent running a gristmill with her teenage niece, a hired hand, and his wife. The Confederate Army requisitions all the grain they produce. It’s a precarious life in the Shenandoah Valley, a region that frequently changes hands, with control shifting back and forth between North and South. Libby wakes each morning expecting to see her land transformed into a battlefield.

Then, Libby discovers a gravely injured Union officer left for dead in a neighbor’s house, his hand and leg bones shattered. Captain Jonathan Weybridge of the Vermont Brigade is her enemy, but he is also in dire need. Libby faces a terrible decision: should she leave him to die alone, or should she risk treason and try to nurse him back to health? If she succeeds, will she attempt to secretly bring him across Union lines in hopes of negotiating a trade for news about her husband?

“The Jackal’s Mistress” is a vivid and sweeping story of two people navigating the boundaries of love and humanity amid a backdrop of brutal violence. This heart-stopping novel is based on a largely unknown piece of American history and showcases one of our greatest storytellers.

Chris Bohjalian is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of twenty-five books, including “The Princess of Las Vegas,” “The Lioness,” “Hour of the Witch,” “Midwives,” and “The Flight Attendant,” which has been adapted into a limited series on Max starring Kaley Cuoco.

His other notable works include “The Red Lotus,” “The Guest Room,” “Close Your Eyes, Hold Hands,” “The Sandcastle Girls,” “Skeletons at the Feast,” and “The Double Bind.” Several of his novels, including “Secrets of Eden,” “Midwives,” and “Past the Bleachers,” have been adapted into movies. Bohjalian’s works have been translated into more than thirty-five languages. In addition to writing novels, he is also a playwright, with works such as “The Club,” “Wingspan,” and “Midwives.

He resides in Vermont and can be found online at chrisbohjalian.com and on Facebook, Instagram, X, TikTok, Litsy, and Goodreads.

When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!

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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

Read: May 2019

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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

by David Brooks

The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life by David Brooks is a book I often recommend. Mr. Brooks writes about the first mountain that most people climb. The book challenges the reader to “live for a cause greater than themselves.”

It is about “to be a success, make your mark, experience personal happiness.” Even when they reach the top of the mountain, most people find they are unhappy. The climb to the summit has become unsatisfying.

On the second mountain, life moves from self-centered to other-centered.” Life becomes interdependent, not independent; it becomes a life of commitment, not about us.

Mr. Brooks “explores the four commitments that define a life of meaning and purpose: to a spouse and family, to a vocation, to a philosophy or faith, and to a community.

We live in a society, Brooks argues, that celebrates freedom, that tells us to be true to ourselves, at the expense of surrendering to a cause, rooting ourselves in a neighborhood, binding ourselves to others by social solidarity and love. We have taken individualism to the extreme—and in the process we have torn the social fabric in a thousand different ways.

When I read The Second Mountain, it became clear that Jan and I never even attempted to climb the first mountain. We were constantly climbing the second mountain.

We had chosen to do work that repaired the world; we both had a faith community and lived in a community.

All we were missing as far as commitments when we met was each other. Our love for each other provided the missing link and allowed us to climb to the top of the second mountain.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Lion's Den

Read: January 2023

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The Lion’s Den

by Anthony Marra

Today, I read The Lion’s Den by Anthony Marra. After a four and one-half Zoom meeting, I was looking for a book I could finish tonight, and the third book in the Inheritance, a collection of five stories about secrets, unspoken desires, and dangerous revelations between loved ones, seemed like the book to read. The Lion’s Den is the story of Michael, a son, his father’s transgressions in a tell-all were the ethical, righteous—and profitable—thing to do. What’s left but to slink back home for a humbling face-to-face with the man whose secrets he sold?

It was the perfect novel to read this evening. In the opening paragraph, when Michael’s father describes the automated customer service computer voice.” Siri’s dimwitted stepsister,” I knew I could enjoy this book.

Michael’s last-minute invitation to be the Ethics Symposium speaker at his parochial school was written in a way that was both bluntly honest and humorous.

Michael’s visits with his father to the lion’s den at the National Zoo were profoundly moving, and when the wheelchair was left there after his father’s death brought tears to my eyes.

I highly recommend The Lion’s Den, part of Inheritance, a collection of five stories about secrets, unspoken desires, and dangerous revelations between loved ones. Each Inheritance piece can be read or listened to in a single setting. By yourself, behind closed doors, or shared with someone you trust. This is the third one in the series I have read. The previous two were Everything My Mother Taught Me and Can You Feel This?

I have enjoyed all three and look forward to reading the final two.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Exposing his father’s transgressions in a tell-all was the ethical, righteous—and profitable—thing to do. What’s left but to slink back home for a humbling face-to-face with the man whose secrets he sold?

He was a notorious government whistle-blower. Depending on whom you ask, he’s a treasonous felon, a folk hero, a validated patriot, or a national disgrace. To his son, Michael, he’s the father who threw his family into upheaval. Now, having moved back home at thirty-four, Michael is getting to know him as a man and getting nearer to understanding his motivations that have remained a mystery in this darkly humorous short story of sacrifice and betrayal by New York Times bestselling author Anthony Marra.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Girl in His Shadow

Read: July 2022

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The Girl in His Shadow

by Audrey Blake

I completed the Big Library Read of 2022, The Girl in His Shadow, by Audrey Blake. I highly recommend it. The Girl in His Shadow is historical fiction about one woman who believed in scientific medicine before the world believed in her. Ms. Blake has a split personality— because she is the creative alter ego of writing duo Jaima Fixsen and Regina Sirois, two authors who met as finalists of a writing contest and have been writing together happily ever since.

The pen name – Audrey Blake – was in response to the publishers recommending a more straightforward author’s name. Regina’s daughter is named Audrey, and Jaima’s son is Blake.

I cannot praise this book enough. It was well written, and the characters, especially Nora Beady, jumped off the page. I recommend The Girl in His Shadow by Audrey Blake and encourage you to read the book and share your thoughts.

For more information and to start reading The Girl in His Shadow by Audrey Blake, visit: Big Library Read.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Raised by the eccentric surgeon Dr. Horace Croft after losing her parents to a deadly pandemic, the orphan Nora Beady knows little about conventional life. While other young ladies were raised to busy themselves with needlework and watercolors, Nora was trained to perfect her suturing and anatomical illustrations of dissections.

Women face dire consequences if caught practicing medicine, but in Croft’s private clinic Nora is his most trusted–and secret–assistant. That is until the new surgical resident Dr. Daniel Gibson arrives. Dr. Gibson has no idea that Horace’s bright and quiet young ward is a surgeon more qualified and ingenuitive than even himself. In order to protect Dr. Croft and his practice from scandal and collapse Nora must learn to play a new and uncomfortable role–that of a proper young lady.

But pretense has its limits. Nora cannot turn away and ignore the suffering of patients even if it means giving Gibson the power to ruin everything she’s worked for. And when she makes a discovery that could change the field forever, Nora faces an impossible choice. Remain invisible and let the men around her take credit for her work, or let the world see her for what she is–even if it means being destroyed by her own legacy.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Pull of the Stars

Read: June 2022

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The Pull of the Stars

by Emma Donoghue

After Jan’s death and over two years of COVID, The Pull of the Stars might not seem like a good read for me. But I had placed this book on my to-read list a few months ago.  The Pull of the Stars by Emma Donoghue is set in 1918 in Dublin; a maternity ward at the height of the Great Flu is a small world of work, risk, death, and unlooked-for love. It was a page-turner that engrossed me at that moment. When I reached the last page, I wanted the story to continue. 

The details about childbirth, life, and death were riveting. All three of the main characters are ones that I could have imagined in an episode of Call the Midwife. That Dr. Lynn was a natural person underscores the depth of Ms. Donoghue’s research and writing skills. 

Julie and Bridie’s characters were so real it was difficult to believe that they were not also based on natural persons. 

I strongly recommend The Pull of the Stars.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

In an Ireland ravaged by war and disease, Nurse Julia Power works at an understaffed hospital in the city center, where expectant mothers who have come down with the terrible new Flu are quarantined together. Into Julia’s regimented world step two outsiders—Doctor Kathleen Lynn, a rumored Rebel on the run from the police, and a young volunteer helper, Bridie Sweeney.

With tireless tenderness and humanity, carers and mothers somehow do their impossible work. In the darkness and intensity of this minor ward, these women change each other’s lives in unexpected ways over three days. They lose patients to this baffling pandemic but shepherd new life into a fearful world.

In The Pull of the Stars, Emma Donoghue again finds the light in the darkness in this new classic of hope and survival against all odds.

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The Sum of Our Dreams

Read: September 2019

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The Sum of Our Dreams: A Concise History of America

by Louis P. Masur

The Sum of Our Dreams: A Concise History of America by Louis P. Masur is a book I got through my membership at One Day University. Professor Masur is one of the best teaches that One Day University has. He is the Board of Governors Distinguished Professor of American Studies and History at Rutgers University.

Most concise histories leave out more than they include. I found the Sum of our Dreams to be an excellent book to read, and professor Masur conveyed the American experience concisely and clearly. The more recent history is complex as events like the Global War on Terror are still being analyzed and re-understood.

Evoking Barack Obama’s belief that America remains the “sum of its dreams,” Masur locates the origin of those dreams of freedom, equality, and opportunity and traces their progress chronologically, illuminating the nation’s struggle over time to articulate and fulfill their promise.

Masur lets the story of American tell itself. Inspired by James Baldwin’s observation that “American history is longer, larger, more beautiful and more terrible than anything anyone has ever said about it,” he expands our notion of that history while identifying its threads.

I recommend this book as well as any of Professor Masur’s lectures at One Day University.

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