Richard W. shared a stream on September 11, 2023
I'm Content, But Life Feels Empty

I’m Content, But Life Feels Empty

Is it possible to find love after experiencing loss?

Estimated reading time: 1 minute, 52 seconds

I'm Content, But Life Feels Empty

Nearly two years and four months after my wife passed away, I have rebuilt my life after the loss, which has given me a renewed sense of purpose and meaning; I sometimes feel like an intangible element is missing. I am actively involved in my faith community, grief support groups, and community activities and constantly strive to live life to the fullest. However, I still find myself searching for something more. Is this feeling a genuine perception, or is it all in my imagination?

Living alone is perfect for me, just like my winter gloves. My apartment is just the right size, making it easy to clean and maintain. I have ample space for all my activities, including reading, writing, working, and relaxing. Although I never had a green thumb, I have a flower garden that has bloomed and filled my home with happiness. Being close to downtown Cranford, I can enjoy dining, shopping, and traveling to Newark, NY, and other places. My faith community is nearby, and I have a friend with whom I can carpool. The location allows me to host my grief support groups and do the part-time work I still do efficiently. I can live here indefinitely and am content with my cozy and comfortable lifestyle.

I am questioning if I am missing something as a widow. Many widows around me have found happiness in re-partnering, but I don’t know if that’s what I need. I have tried to test the waters but found it too overwhelming. Although I am open to finding love again, I know I do not need a partner to live a fulfilling life. Joy is what I am seeking, which is like icing on the cake. Despite the loss, I am determined to live a happy and complete life.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I need to Be as Confident as Wes!

I Need to Be as Confident as Wes!

On Sunday, September 3, 2023, my grandson Wes will turn fourteen months old. This day will also mark twenty-eight months since the passing of my wife. Since Wes was born, I have chosen to celebrate his life instead of focusing on the loss of my wife.

As the double commemoration draws near this Sunday, I am inspired to take risks and embrace the confidence of my grandson, Wes. His fearless crawl through the tunnel, guided by his father’s encouragement and support, has instilled in me a belief in myself. With the unwavering support of my loved ones, including my family, chosen family, friends, and neighbors, I am prepared to seize every opportunity and live life to the fullest. I will honor my wife by living with courage and conviction, just as she would have wanted.

Richard W. Brown August 31, 2023

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Richard W. shared a stream on January 10, 2019

I Choose to Live Fully

Is it possible to find love after experiencing loss?

Estimated reading time: 1 minute, 52 seconds
I Choose to Live Fully

I Choose to Live Fully

As I prepare to attend the High Holiday services for the third time since my loved one passed away, I reflect on my choice to live. It is a simple choice but one that carries great significance. I choose life so that future generations may also have the opportunity to live and thrive. I refuse to be consumed by death and negativity. Instead, I strive to make the most of the life I have been given. My mantra is always to be kind, to lend my strength to others, and to never dwell on weakness. I choose, now and daily, to live with purpose and intention.

Richard W. Brown August 14, 2023

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I'm Content, But Life Feels Empty
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Wild Houses: A Novel

Read: April 2024

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Wild Houses: A Novel

by Colin Barrett

Today, I started reading “Wild Houses: A Novel” by Colin Barrett and was impressed by the author’s ability to blend dark humor and intense emotions. Colin Barrett, the award-winning author of “Homesickness” and “Young Skins,” has crafted a debut novel that takes readers on a rollercoaster ride of crimes committed out of desperation, abandoned dreams, and small-town secrets that won’t stay hidden. The story is presented with a wry wit that adds to its appeal.

The story is set in the quaint town of Ballina, located in picturesque west Ireland, as it prepares for its biggest weekend of the year. The simmering feud between small-time dealer Cillian English and County Mayo’s fraternal enforcers, Gabe and Sketch Ferdia, spills over into violence and an ugly ultimatum, painting a vivid picture of the town’s underbelly.

The story’s protagonist, Dev, is a reclusive man unwillingly drawn into the Ferdias’ revenge fantasy when he answers the door and finds Doll, Cillian’s bruised, sullen teenage brother, in the clutches of Gabe and Sketch. With the help of his dead mother’s dog, Dev is jostled by his nefarious cousins and is struck by spinning lights as he is goaded into their plan.

Meanwhile, seventeen-year-old Nicky can’t shake the feeling that something terrible has happened to her boyfriend, Doll. Hungover, reeling from a fractious Friday night and plagued by ghosts, Nicky sets out to save Doll, even as she questions her future in Ballina.

“Wild Houses“ is a beautifully crafted and thrillingly told story of two outsiders striving to find themselves as their worlds collapse in chaos and violence. It is the long-anticipated debut novel from award-winning and critically acclaimed short story writer Colin Barrett.

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Bonding

Read: July 2025

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Bonding: A Novel

by Mariel Franklin

Mariel Franklin‘s debut novel, “Bonding,” is electrifying, sharp, and darkly humorous. It delves into the intersections of sex, technology, and pharmaceuticals in our digitally-driven world. The protagonist, Mary, is weary from a constant cycle of casual relationships and unstable jobs. After facing yet another career setback, she decides to escape to Ibiza.

There, at a party, she meets Tom, a brilliant chemist on the verge of launching a drug made to cure the anxieties of modern life.

Back in London after a heady trip, Mary runs into her volatile and driven sort-of-ex Lara, who has channeled her ambitions into an innovative dating app designed to revolutionize the industry.

When Mary begins working for Lara and falling for Tom, tech and pharma collide with shocking consequences, forcing her to question what love and success mean in a world that is hurtling out of control. A searing, elegiac satire of the way we live and work, Mariel Franklin‘s perceptive and unnerving Bonding heralds the arrival of a blazing new talent.

Mariel Franklin lives and works in London. She has an MA in English from Edinburgh University and later went on to study fine art at Goldsmiths. After graduating, she spent several years working in data administration in the tech industry. Bonding is her first novel.

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The New Wilderness

Read: October 2021

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The New Wilderness

by Diane Cook

The New Wilderness by Diane Cook. The New Wilderness is a timely book and one that resonated with me. When Jan and I met in 1973, it was a revolutionary time with movements encouraging communes and returning to the farm. Neither Jan nor I were interested in living in a commune. Reading this book helped reassure me that we made the correct choice.

The summary of the book is:

Margaret Atwood meets Miranda July in this wildly imaginative debut novel of a mother’s battle to save her daughter in a world ravaged by climate change; A prescient and suspenseful book from the author of the acclaimed story collection, Man V. Nature.

Bea’s five-year-old daughter, Agnes, is slowly wasting away, consumed by the smog and pollution of the overdeveloped metropolis that most of the population now calls home. If they stay in the city, Agnes will die. There is only one alternative: the Wilderness State, the last swath of untouched, protected land, where people have always been forbidden. Until now.

Bea, Agnes, and eighteen others volunteer to live in the Wilderness State, guinea pigs in an experiment to see if humans can exist in nature without destroying it. Living as nomadic hunter-gatherers, they slowly and painfully learn to survive in an unpredictable, dangerous land, bickering and battling for power and control as they betray and save one another. But as Agnes embraces the wild freedom of this new existence, Bea realizes that saving her daughter’s life means losing her in a different way. The farther they get from civilization, the more their bond is tested in astonishing and heartbreaking ways.

At once a blazing lament of our contempt for nature and a deeply humane portrayal of motherhood and what it means to be human, The New Wilderness is an extraordinary novel from a one-of-a-kind literary force.

When I finished this book, I read Pompeii Still Has Buried Secrets by Rebecca Mead in The New Yorker. It reminded me of all of the threats to civilization that we face, who will be Pliny the Younger to be “the only surviving eyewitness account of the disaster.” Fleeing our cities for the wilderness is no longer an option!

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Thrust: A Novel

Read: August 2022

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Thrust: A Novel

by Lidia Yuknavitch

Thrust: A Novel by Lidia Yuknavitch is a book I recommend without reservations. The protagonist of Thrust is Laisve, a motherless girl from the late 21st century who is learning her power as a carrier, a person who can harness the power of meaningful objects to carry her through time. The book begins with the construction of the Statue of Liberty, and Laisve, with the gifts of a carrier, travels through water and time to rescue vulnerable figures from the margins of history.

The novel also focuses on rising waters and an encroaching police state endangering Laisve’s life and family. As a reader who likes historical fiction and time travel, Thrust: A Novel by Lidia Yuknavitch proved to be a page-turner.

The full GoodReads summary provides an overview of this book published on June 28, 2022,

Lidia Yuknavitch has an unmatched gift for capturing stories of people on the margins–vulnerable humans leading lives of challenge and transcendence. Now, Yuknavitch offers an imaginative masterpiece: the story of Laisve, a motherless girl from the late 21st century who is learning her power as a carrier, a person who can harness the power of meaningful objects to carry her through time.

Sifting through the detritus of a fallen city known as the Brook, she discovers a talisman that will mysteriously connect her with a series of characters from the past two centuries: a French sculptor, a woman of the American underworld, a dictator’s daughter, an accused murderer; and a squad of laborers at work on a national monument. Through intricately braided storylines, Laisve must dodge enforcement raids, find her way to the present day, and finally, to the early days of her poor country, to forge a connection that might save their lives–and their shared dream of freedom.

Thrust will leave no reader unchanged, a dazzling novel of body, spirit, and survival.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month are matched dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The School for Good Mothers

Read: February 2023

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The School for Good Mothers

by Jessamine Chan

The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan is a searing page-turner that is also a transgressive novel of ideas about the perils of “perfect” upper-middle-class parenting; the violence enacted upon women by both the state and, at times, one another; the systems that separate families; and the boundlessness of love, The School for Good Mothers introduces, in Frida, an everywoman for the ages.

Although it has been forty-two years since I became a parent, I still remember the anxiety of being a father. What if I could not be a good dad? Fortunately, I never had a bad like Frida. or lived in an age where parents would be sent to “a Big Brother-like institution that measures the success or failure of a mother’s devotion.”

Reading The School for Good Mothers was a reminder that solutions like this are possible unless we are willing to invest in families so that the skills and support are there to resolve any issues in the home. As a widow, I found Frida’s inner dialogue comparable to the early stages of my grief journey—the total isolation and fear of failing dominated my first months of mourning.

The School for Good Mothers had been on my book list since the middle of last year. I recommend it without reservations! Jan would have already read it, and we would be debating its fine points.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In this taut and explosive debut novel, one lapse in judgement lands a young mother in a government reform program where custody of her child hangs in the balance.

Frida Liu is struggling. She doesn’t have a career worthy of her Chinese immigrant parents’ sacrifices. She can’t persuade her husband, Gust, to give up his wellness-obsessed younger mistress. Only with Harriet, their cherubic daughter, does Frida finally attain the perfection expected of her. Harriet may be all she has, but she is just enough.

Until Frida has a very bad day.

The state has its eyes on mothers like Frida. The ones who check their phones, letting their children get injured on the playground; who let their children walk home alone. Because of one moment of poor judgment, a host of government officials will now determine if Frida is a candidate for a Big Brother-like institution that measures the success or failure of a mother’s devotion.

Faced with the possibility of losing Harriet, Frida must prove that a bad mother can be redeemed. That she can learn to be good.

Using dark wit to explore the pains and joys of the deepest ties that bind us, Chan has written a modern literary classic.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Seascraper

Read: November 2025

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Seascraper: A Novel

by Benjamin Wood

Haunting, timeless, and stunningly atmospheric, Seascraper by Benjamin Wood explores the story of a young man whose quiet existence is dramatically altered in just one day. His circumstances confine him, yet he yearns for a sense of fulfillment that extends far beyond the world he knows. The novel has been longlisted for the 2025 Booker Prize.

Twenty-year-old Thomas Flett lives a slow, deliberate life with his mother in Longferry, Northern England, working his grandpa’s trade as a shanker. He rises early to take his horse and cart to the drizzly shore to scrape for shrimp, and spends the afternoon selling his wares, trying to wash away the salt and sea-scum, pining for his neighbor, Joan Wyeth, and playing songs on his guitar. At heart, he is a folk musician, but this remains a private dream.

Then a mysterious American arrives in town and enlists Thomas’s help in finding a perfect location for his next movie. Though skeptical at first, Thomas learns to trust the stranger, Edgar, and, shaken from the drudgery of his days by the promise of Hollywood glamour, begins to see a different future for himself. But how much of what Edgar claims is true, and how far can his inspiration carry Thomas?

Benjamin Wood was born in 1981 and grew up in Merseyside. Seascraper is his fifth novel. His previous works were shortlisted for the Costa First Novel Award, the Commonwealth Book Prize, the Sunday Times Young Writer of the Year Award, the RSL Encore Award, the CWA Gold Dagger Award, and the European Union Prize for Literature. In 2014, he won France’s Prix du Roman Fnac.

He is a senior lecturer in creative writing at King’s College, London, and lives in Surrey with his wife and sons.

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