Jan Needs Me Now!
Estimated reading time: 14 minutes, 3 seconds
I Do Not Want You to Be Hurt
“Can we talk,” asked Sam as I sat at the kitchen table, holding my head in my hands. I was exhausted from more than a year helping Jan as cancer played a game with her, getting better and returning even more potent. I knew Sam was concerned about how my life had become consumed by being a caregiver to my ex-wife.
“Yes,” I muttered without lifting my eyes to look at Sam.
“I understand,” she said and then paused.
I was sure she would express her concerns that I was overextending myself.
“I know you still love Jan and want to help her. But you were only married for a year, and I do not understand why she does not have family or friends who can also help.”
I nodded my head but could not formulate a response.
Sam picked up my empty plate and moved it to the sink.
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
I had avoided caffeine for most of my life but knew I needed it now, or I would fall asleep sitting at the table.
As the kettle whistled, I lifted my head and looked at Sam pour the tea.
“Jan said she did not have family or friends she could count on. Now that the CAR-T has been completed, she will know in the next few weeks if it has worked and if she is cancer free. I trust her.”
Sam placed the tea in front of me.
“Hopefully, she will be cancer free. Will she still need your help?”
That was the question that scared me. In a few days, it would be 2021, and I feared being abandoned by her again.
“I do not think so,” I said as tears rolled down my cheeks.
Sam moved behind me and placed her arms around my shoulders.
“Dad, this is what has worried me. You are sometimes too nice, and people take advantage of you. I do not want to see you hurt when she leaves you again.”
I nodded my head and took a napkin to wipe my face.
“I offered to help because we should help each other. I do not regret it. I kept hoping she would see how much I loved her and fall in love with me again. But I have just been her caregiver.”
“Dad,” said Sam as she squeezed my shoulders.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
