Shadows from the Past
Estimated reading time: 15 minutes, 33 seconds
Cloudy Skies Almost
Shatters Our Love
“I want to visit my friend in the hospital,” Jan said as we left the apartment for dinner. “If we go now, we can see him and still be on time for dinner.” We had only been together for two weeks, and her offer did not give me any reason to be concerned as I did not know her friend’s gender or relationship status.
On the A train downtown, Jan and I sat together. It was lovely to be with Jan, the love of my life. I had grown accustomed to riding the subway solo for twenty-two months of living alone in the Big Apple.
As the A train left the 207th Street station, I leaned over to kiss Jan.
“I cannot believe it has been two weeks since we met at your party,” I said. “This is the best fortnight in my life. I love you!”
Jan smiled and said, “I love you too.”
I did not have a camera, but I wanted to paint a Kodachrome of her smiling face in my heart so I would never forget this moment.
In twenty-four years, I had never been so in love with someone and had them look at me the way Jan was on the A train.
“I think we should go to this restaurant,” Jan explained as she returned to the immediate objective and left my romantic dreams floating in the air.
Hospital
“This is my friend Richard,” Jan said. “How are you feeling?” Jan proceeded to pull a chair and sit next to the hospital bed. The only option for me was to sit in the other chair behind Jan and against the wall.
I could tell she was holding his hands, and I had seen her lean over and kiss him on the cheek.
“Are you feeling better,” Jan asked?
“I am doing better. I will be home soon,” Jan’s friend responded.
“That’s good. We missed you at the party,” Jan exclaimed.
“I wanted to be there, but my body was acting up. I was looking forward to having fun with you and your roommate.”
Until he said those words, I had been daydreaming about Jan. Now, I wanted to listen closely to their conversation.
“Both of us enjoy spending time with you.”
Was he her boyfriend, and I was only someone to fill her free time until he was healthy?
They continued to chat intimately, not that I had much experience conversing that way.
“Wow, you are excited to see me,” said Jan.
I looked over, and a large tent formed under the sheets. That phrase is not something that is said casually. Does Jan know I am still here? Or have I become invisible?I thought about leaving, but fear kept me in my seat.
The nurse interrupted us to check on his vitals.
“We should go, but call me when you get home,” Jan said in a seductive voice that might have made Mae West blush.
As we walked out of the room, I looked at Jan’s face. She was smiling even brighter than she had only a few moments prior on the train. I have always wanted to love a woman and have her look at me that way. Tears welled in my eyes and throat.
“Are you OK?”
“Yes,” I responded. “Must have been something in the air.”
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
The book Never Forget Our People Were Always Free is told through parables. It features intimate glimpses of political and 
