I Have Covid!

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes, 49 seconds

We Remained Optimistic While 
Jan’s Health Deteriorated

“I have COVID,” Jan disclosed over tears that flowed like a broken water main. “I do not want to die,” her voice echoed around the cabin of our Prius. Her words were the most frightening ones I had ever heard her say. After leaving her in the emergency room at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital in New Brunswick, I was driving home when the love of my life called me. 

All of the air in my lungs vanished when I exhaled. My heartbeat so rapidly it felt as if it would burst out of my chest. Somehow, I spoke the only phrase I could, “I love you.”

Miraculously, the car continued to drive without my intervention. We stayed in the correct lane, stopped at traffic lights, and proceeded home.

“We will get thru this,” I finally responded with words deeply ingrained in the deepest recesses of my mind

“How?”

I took a deep breath and held it before responding. 

“I will call Dr. Strair, and I am sure his team will know how to treat both COVID and Lymphoma.”

“I have to go; they are moving me to a bed in the hospital.”

As soon as she finished the call, my tear ducts opened and covered my face in salty water. 

Jan was alone and afraid. My tears stopped flowing, and I knew I needed to hug her and comfort her. I wanted to make a U-turn, but the Prius continued to drive automatically toward our empty home. In the end, the car understood COVID restrictions better than I did. 

February 5, 2021

“Sweetheart, I will bring the car around to the front,” I said to Jan. “After I park, I will come upstairs and help you.” She shook her head no. “OK, come with me now, and you can wait in the lobby for me.”

Walking to the parking lot, I reminded myself that we were in the second month since she had gotten the PET scan results indicating the cancer was in remission. Today is only a routine follow-up, and there is no need to worry. Her tiredness was expected, considering all that she had been through over the last year. 

“I wish you could stay with me,” Jan said in a subdued voice. 

“I agree.”

“Wish you did not have to drive two roundtrips. For you, my dear, I would drive to the end of the earth and back!”

“Not a problem, my dear.”

We arrived in front of the Cancer Center, and I called to let them know we were here. COVID protocols required a nurse to come down and meet her.

When we saw the nurse walking down the stairs, I got out of the car and opened the door for Jan. 

“I love you; I love you!”

I kissed her as she got out of the car. 

“I will call you once I know that I am almost finished.”

Bag of Blood

“I will be here most of the day,” Jan said in a voice that showed no anxiety. “My blood numbers are down, and they will give me a bag of blood.” She had had transfusions before, and they always brought the numbers up and gave her an energy boost. 

“OK, my love, I will be ready, willing, and able to pick you up as soon as you call me.”

We chatted for a few minutes about dinner plans and other mundane topics. 

After we ended the call, I took a deep breath and focused on cleaning our apartment and making dinner plans. 

Jan was going to be OK; I kept reminding myself. She has an excellent medical team. I did everything I could to convince myself that there was no need to worry.

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12 comments add your comment

    • Penny, thank you so very much. My writings are from my heart and, in many ways, are an extended love letter to Jan. As I have described in other posts and comments, the words flow from me like an incoming tide at the Jersey shore.

      This quote by Helen Keller has always resonated with me.

      “What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”

      I hope to see you on April 24th to Celebrate Jan Day.

      Thanks so very much for reading this post. Please feel free to share this post and others with anyone interested.

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Neruda on the Park: A Novel

Read: May 2023

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Neruda on the Park: A Novel

by Cleyvis Natera

Neruda on the Park is a novel by Cleyvis Natera that beautifully depicts the complexities of family, friendship, and ambition. The story highlights the community’s efforts to protect their neighborhood amidst the gentrification and the tension between a mother and her daughter.

The Guerreros have lived in Nothar Park, a Dominican neighborhood in New York City, for twenty years. When a neighboring tenement faces demolition, Eusebia, an elder of the community, takes matters into her own hands and devises a series of increasingly dangerous schemes to halt the construction of luxury condos. Meanwhile, Eusebia’s daughter, Luz, a rising associate at a Manhattan law firm, becomes distracted by a passionate romance with the handsome white developer working on the project her mother opposes.

As Luz’s father, Vladimir, designs their retirement home in the Dominican Republic, mother and daughter clash, escalating tensions in Nothar Park and leading to a near-fatal climax. Overall, Neruda on the Park is a captivating story that weaves a rich, vivid tapestry of community and sacrifice to protect what matters most.


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A House for Alice: A Novel

Read: September 2023

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A House for Alice: A Novel

by Diana Evans

I just started reading A House for Alice: A Novel by Diana Evans. The story is set against a complicated political backdrop but is filled with hope, humor, and humanity. A House for Alice explores the scars of grief and betrayal across generations and reveals the secrets we keep from our loved ones.

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The Way of Integrity

Read: February 2025

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The Way of Integrity

by Martha Beck

Today, I started reading Martha Beck‘s “The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self,” a book recommended by my friend Mark. I always appreciate receiving book recommendations from friends and readers of my blog. In her self-help book, Ms. Beck asserts, “Integrity is the cure for psychological suffering. Period.” This book will be invaluable during my early period of grief. I purchased the eBook from Bookshop and plan to do so.

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This book, as you may have gleaned from the title, is all about integrity. But I don’t mean this in a moralizing sense. The word integrity has taken on a slightly prim, judgmental nuance in modern English, but the word comes from the Latin integer, meaning “intact.” To be in integrity is to be one thing, whole and undivided. When a plane is in integrity, all its millions of parts work together smoothly and cooperatively. If it loses integrity, it may stall, falter, or crash. There’s no judgment here. Just physics.

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With techniques tested on hundreds of her clients, Beck brings her expertise as a social scientist, life coach, and human being to help readers uncover what integrity looks like in their lives. She takes us on a spiritual adventure that will change the direction of our lives and bring us to a place of genuine happiness.

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The Exhibitionist: A Novel

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I began reading Charlotte Mendelson‘s novel, The Exhibitionist, today. The book tells the story of Lucia and Ray, two artists whose marriage starts to fall apart over a weekend. It explores themes such as art, sacrifice, family dynamics, queer desire, and personal freedom. Charlotte Mendelson has created yet another exceptional novel with The Exhibitionist, ranked as the year’s novel by The Times of London, and described as “furiously funny.”

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Read: June 2023

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A Line in the Sand: A Novel

by Kevin Powers

Today I started reading A Line in the Sand: A Novel by Kevin Powers. Listed as one of the books to read this week by The New York Times, which described it as “a stunning novel. Kevin Powers provides what any discerning reader desires the most — complex and flawed characters, precise use of language, succinct description, and believable dialogue.”

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Girlfriend on Mars: A Novel

Read: July 2023

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Girlfriend on Mars: A Novel

by Deborah Willis

I began reading “Girlfriend on Mars: A Novel” by Deborah Willis today. It’s a humorous, touching, and captivating debut novel that satirizes the idea of space travel funded by billionaires and tells a love story that spans across planets. Alic Munro, one of my preferred authors, praised the book’s emotional depth and range, as well as the author’s exceptional clarity and skill in writing.

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