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Jan’s Silk Scarf

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes, 53 seconds
Jan's Silk Scarf

You’ve Got a Friend

“Do you want me to pack your new scarf for the trip?” “You said you would wear it the next time we went somewhere special.” not hearing a response, I stopped and looked at Jan. We were going into the city for the weekend to see the Beautiful the Carole King Musical and other shows” on Broadway.

Jan was sitting on the ottoman, struggling not to cry.

I knelt next to her and placed my arms around her. 

“Are you OK?”

She sniffled but could not speak. I hugged and kissed her lips. 

“I want to wear the scarf, but not now,” Jan cried. “Is that OK?”

I nodded yes even though I did not know why she wanted to wait. 

Jan pulled herself together and kissed me.

“Let’s save it until I am free from cancer, and we can celebrate!”

“That’s fine with me. I love you so much and look forward to celebrating you’re cancer-free!“

Cleaning Up

Time has moved slowly in the nine months since Jan died. There are days when I am unsure of the day of the week or the month. I miss her very much even though I know her spirit is still with me now and forever. I walk, read, and write about her, but my life seems as if it is moving slower than I drive. 

Today I have tasked myself with sorting her clothes. Some cleanup work is more challenging than others. This one surprises me as it is not as difficult as I expected. 

However, after opening the dresser and picking up the silk scarf, tears started welling up in my eyes.  

I will wear it when I am free of cancer, and we can celebrate, echoed in my ears. 

Taking the scarf from the bag, I imagined I was about to place it on Jan’s shoulders before we left to celebrate her being cancer-free. 

My hands shook like leaves on a willow tree. I held onto the dresser for support. My legs started to feel wobbly. My legs bent as if I was about to do knee bends. I lowered my body, but my legs gave out like melted butter, and I ended up on the floor. Tears flowed like an open fire hose inside of my eyes.

It seemed like I was on the floor for hours before lifting myself to a standing position. Holding the scarf in my hands, I repeat a mantra, “Like Jan’s wedding dress, this will stay with me forever.”

Holding the scarf close to my chest, I realize that one day many years from now, my sons will clean up the apartment after I am gone. They will find the scarf. 

“Why is this still in a plastic bag from a store in Toronto?

If I could speak to them at that moment, this is what I would say to them. 

  • Life is priceless and far shorter than any of you want to believe.
  • Tell those you love how much you love them every day!
  • Jan’s silk scarf, my sons, is just a reminder that love never dies; it only grows stronger every day!”
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The Night Swim

Read: January 2022

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The Night Swim

by Megan Goldin

The Night Swim by Megan Goldin is a book that I thought would be different from the last two books – Sarah’s Key and Send for Me – that I had read. Both of those were directly or indirectly about the Holocaust. I often selected this book from the e-library based on reviews and reading the sample section.

The Night Swim was a page-turner, but it also was about numerous social issues that Jan ad I had spent our lives working to resolve.

Among these are male violence and its impact directly and indirectly on women. Rachel Krall, a podcaster, spoke about how male violence had impacted her. Two of the other female characters were either a victim or the sister of a victim. Having spent my life trying not to exhibit male violence, I was reminded while reading his novel of how painful it can be and the impact of micro-aggressions.

I knew that the author had done her research when I realized that. Ms. Goldin set the story in Neapolis, a fictional town on the outer banks of North Carolina. Neapolis, which in Latin means “New Town,” is also the old Roman name for the biblical city of Sheechem, where the rape of Dinah took place.

I missed the role of the Nightingale as it appears more as a background piece and not a primary role. Of course, this is a subtle reference by the author to Greek mythology and the rape of Philomela by her sisters’ husband. Her assailant cut out her tongue to prevent her from speaking of the crime. She was turned into a nightingale to escape. That is why female nightingales cannot sing. The one in the novel never sings and is rescued by Rachel at the end of the book.

Rachel narrates two sections of the novel, first with her on-the-ground work at the trial and second with her podcasts.

Hannah’s narrative is initially only in letters and then emails.

This format helped move the story along and make the story unfold in unique ways.

The following is a summary from Goodreads.

After the first season of her true-crime podcast became an overnight sensation and set an innocent man free, Rachel Krall is now a household name―and the last hope for thousands of people seeking justice. But she’s used to being recognized for her voice, not her face. Which makes it all the more unsettling when she finds a note on her car windshield, addressed to her, begging for help.

The small town of Neapolis is being torn apart by a devastating rape trial. The town’s golden boy, a swimmer, destined for Olympic greatness, has been accused of raping a high school student, the beloved granddaughter of the police chief. Under pressure to make Season Three a success, Rachel throws herself into interviewing and investigating―but the mysterious letters keep showing up in unexpected places. Someone is following her, and she won’t stop until Rachel finds out what happened to her sister twenty-five years ago. Officially, Jenny Stills tragically drowned, but the letters insist she was murdered―and when Rachel starts asking questions, nobody seems to want to answer. The past and present start to collide as Rachel uncovers startling connections between the two cases that will change the course of the trial and the lives of everyone involved.

Electrifying and propulsive, The Night Swim asks: What is the price of a reputation? Can a small town ever right the wrongs of its past? And what happened to Jenny?

I highly recommend this novel and look forward to reading more of Ms. Goldin’s work.

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Impossible to Forget

Read: January 2022

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Impossible to Forget

by Imogen Clark

Impossible to Forget by Imogen Clark is a poignant novel from the bestselling author of Where the Story Starts, an extraordinary final wish that brings five lives together forever.

Just turned eighteen, Romany is on the cusp of taking her first steps into adulthood when tragedy strikes, and she finds herself suddenly alone without her mother, Angie, the only parent she has ever known. In her final letter, Angie has charged her four closest friends with guiding Romany through her last year of school—but is there an ulterior motive to her unusual dying wish?

When I started reading the book’s initial chapters on Amazon, I found myself in an unexpected page-turner. I had been looking for a relaxing read and instead found a novel that is truly impossible to forget.

The book’s premise that a mother would assign her four closest friends to shared guardianship of her daughter is an unusual answer to a question that Jan and I often debated. Who would we designate to raise our children if something had happened to us? If only we could have had the imagination of Angie and her belief that this strange arrangement would be the answer.

Three of the friends were ones that Angie met at University.

  • Maggie, an attorney, is designated to focus on the tasks that need order.
  • Leon is given the culture assignment, although he has denied his talents.
  • Tiger, a nomad, is in charge of travel.

The fourth guardian, Hope, a former model, is in charge of relationships. But none of the others know her or why Angie would assign her that portfolio.

I very much enjoyed reading this novel. However, despite knowing it is about Angie’s death, I did not expect to find myself weeping uncontrollably in the closing chapters as Romany grapples with the beneficial outcomes of her mum’s plans.

Goodreads provides this overview.

As the guardians reflect on their friendship with Angie, it becomes apparent that this unusual arrangement is as much about them as it is about Romany. Navigating their grief individually and as a group, what will all five of them learn about themselves, their pasts—and the woman who’s brought them all together?

I recommend this book without reservation.

Impossible to Forget is the second time I have gotten a book from Amazon First Reads. Impossible to Forget is not scheduled to be published until February 1, 2022.

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The Exhibitionist: A Novel

Read: July 2023

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The Exhibitionist: A Novel

by Charlotte Mendelson

I began reading Charlotte Mendelson‘s novel, The Exhibitionist, today. The book tells the story of Lucia and Ray, two artists whose marriage starts to fall apart over a weekend. It explores themes such as art, sacrifice, family dynamics, queer desire, and personal freedom. Charlotte Mendelson has created yet another exceptional novel with The Exhibitionist, ranked as the year’s novel by The Times of London, and described as “furiously funny.”

The Hanrahan family is coming together for an important weekend. Ray Hanrahan, a well-known artist with a big ego, is preparing for his first exhibition in many years. His eldest daughter, Leah, is his biggest supporter. His son, Patrick, has decided to pursue his own path. His youngest daughter, Jess, has a big decision to make. Ray’s wife, Lucia, is also an artist but has always prioritized her roles as a wife and mother. She is keeping secrets of her own and must decide which desires to pursue as the weekend progresses and the exhibition approaches.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Seperation

Read: January 2022

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A Separation: A Novel

by Katie Kitamura

A Separation by Katie Kitamura is about a young woman who has agreed with her faithless husband: it’s time for them to separate. All I could think about from the opening page until I finished the book was how Jan and I, despite one messy period, never dealt with infidelity or separation. Our love was pure as the driven snow. The subject matter would typically not have interested me enough to read the book. However, it is written in a hypnotic manner that mesmerizes the reader into turning the next page.

I highly recommend this book.

Goodreads provides an overview.

As she begins her new life, she gets word that Christopher has gone missing in a remote region in the rugged south of Greece; she reluctantly agrees to look for him, still keeping their split to herself. As her search comes to a shocking breaking point, she discovers she understands less than she thought she did about her relationship and the man she used to love. In her heart, she’s not even sure if she wants to find him.  For the moment, it’s a private matter, a secret between the two of them.

Adrift in the wild landscape, she traces the disintegration of their relationship and discovers she understands less than she thought about the man she used to love.

A story of intimacy and infidelity, A Separation is about the gulf that divides us from the lives of others and the narratives we create for ourselves. As the narrator reflects upon her love for a man who may never have been what he appeared, Kitamura propels us into the experience of a woman on the brink of catastrophe. A Separation is a riveting stylistic masterpiece of absence and presence that will leave the reader astonished and transfixed.

In closing, I highly recommend this book.

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The Vaster Wilds: A Novel

Read: September 2023

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The Vaster Wilds: A Novel

by Lauren Grof

Today, I started reading The Vaster Wilds: A Novel by Lauren Groff, a three-time National Book Award finalist. It is a taut and electrifying novel about a servant girl who escapes from a colonial settlement in the wilderness. One spirited girl alone in nature, trying to survive.

She carries nothing with her but her wits, a few possessions, and the spark of god that burns hot within her. What she finds in this terra incognita is beyond the limits of her imagination and will bend her belief in everything that her civilization has taught her.

Lauren Groff’s new novel is a thrilling adventure story and a penetrating fable about trying to find a new way of living in a world succumbing to the churn of colonialism. The Vaster Wilds is a work of raw and prophetic power that tells the story of America in miniature, through one girl at a hinge point in history, to ask how—and if—we can adapt quickly enough to save ourselves.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Vanishing Half

Read: September 2021

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The Vanishing Half

by Brit Bennett

The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett was a true page-turner, and I did not want to stop reading it even when I got to the last page. I am not a fan of sequels, but if I was ever going to change my mind, this is the book I would want to read a sequel.

Ms. Bennett focuses on two twins who run away from home at age 16. They have grown up in Mallard, a fictional town in Louisiana. “In Mallard, nobody married dark,” Bennett writes starkly. Over time, its prejudices deepened as its population became lighter and lighter, “like a cup of coffee steadily diluted with cream.” The twins, with their “creamy skin, hazel eyes, wavy hair,” would have delighted the town’s founder. One of the women chooses to pass as white while the other does not.

The Vignes twin sisters will always be identical. But after growing up together in a small, southern black community and running away at age sixteen, it’s not just the shape of their daily lives that is different as adults, it’s everything: their families, their communities, their racial identities. Many years later, one sister lives with her black daughter in the same southern town she once tried to escape. The other passes for white, and her white husband knows nothing of her past. Still, even separated by so many miles and just as many lies, the fates of the twins remain intertwined. What will happen to the next generation, when their own daughters’ storylines intersect?

Weaving together multiple strands and generations of this family, from the Deep South to California, from the 1950s to the 1990s, Brit Bennett produces a story that is at once a riveting, emotional family story and a brilliant exploration of the American history of passing. Looking well beyond issues of race, The Vanishing Half considers the lasting influence of the past as it shapes a person’s decisions, desires, and expectations, and explores some of the multiple reasons and realms in which people sometimes feel pulled to live as something other than their origins.

The question of why people choose to live differently than their origins is one that I often ponder. Growing up in a small town and living in a metropolis raises questions for me as to what my life is now and what was once.

I strongly recommend this book.

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