Jan’s Silk Scarf
Estimated reading time: 10 minutes, 52 seconds
You’ve Got a Friend
Do you want me to pack your new scarf for the trip?” “You said you would wear it the next time we went somewhere special.” not hearing a response, I stopped and looked at Jan. We were going into the city for the weekend to see the Beautiful the Carole King Musical and other shows” on Broadway.
Jan was sitting on the ottoman, struggling not to cry.
I knelt next to her and placed my arms around her.
“Are you OK?”
She sniffled but could not speak. I hugged and kissed her lips.
I want to wear the scarf, but not now,” Jan cried. “Is that OK?”
I nodded yes even though I did not know why she wanted to wait.
Jan pulled herself together and kissed me.
Let’s save it until I am free from cancer, and we can celebrate!
“That’s fine with me. I love you so much and look forward to celebrating you’re cancer-free!“
Cleaning Up
Time has moved slowly in the nine months since Jan died. There are days when I am unsure of the day of the week or the month. I miss her very much even though I know her spirit is still with me now and forever. I walk, read, and write about her, but my life seems as if it is moving slower than I drive.
Today I have tasked myself with sorting her clothes. Some cleanup work is more challenging than others. This one surprises me as it is not as difficult as I expected.
However, after opening the dresser and picking up the silk scarf, tears started welling up in my eyes.
I will wear it when I am free of cancer, and we can celebrate, echoed in my ears.
My hands shook like leaves on a willow tree. I held onto the dresser for support. My legs started to feel wobbly. My legs bent as if I was about to do knee bends. I lowered my body, but my legs gave out like melted butter, and I ended up on the floor. Tears flowed like an open fire hose inside of my eyes.
It seemed like I was on the floor for hours before lifting myself to a standing position.
Holding the scarf close to my chest, I realize that one day many years from now, my sons will clean up the apartment after I am gone. They will find the scarf.
“Why is this still in a plastic bag from a store in Toronto?
If I could speak to them at that moment, this is what I would say to them.
- Life is priceless and far shorter than any of you want to believe.
Tell those you love how much you love them every day! Jan’s silk scarf, my sons, is just a reminder that love never dies; it only grows stronger every day!”
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
