Love is Forever
Estimated reading time: 10 minutes, 33 seconds
After several minutes, she agreed to my request and said that our marriage and her relationship would stay as they were for two weeks.
Her response was both a surprise and a relief, which I thought would be easy to implement.
At the time, she was not working. Most days, I would leave for work before she woke up. The notes I wrote her over those two weeks were longer and more passionate than any I wrote before or after. Not sure if my love notes made a difference, but I put my entire heart and soul into each one of them.
One Day at a Time
We did our first shift together on the ambulance squad. It was a quiet night with only two calls. Every time I attempted to join a conversation, everyone stopped talking. The evening was like walking on thin ice. I wrote a note to Jan suggesting we might want to see if they could get someone to cover our next shift. She nodded her head yes.
The next day I called the crew chief on a work break and asked to skip our shift. He said yes, but then said, “With everything going on with the two of you, it is probably a good idea not to be on the same shift.” I avoided responding as I did not want to know what he knew.
On Thursday of the first week, I met a friend on my way home on the subway. We chatted as best we could on the train. When my stop came, I said I would go to her stop and walk her home. As we walked to her apartment, she asked how I was doing. She handed me a Kleenex. I started to weep as no words could come from my mouth.
She said she was sorry that our marriage was having problems. She then offered me two pieces of advice. “People usually cheat because they are missing something in the relationship, and you have to find out what that is.”
I nodded and mumbled that I was trying to understand and accept my responsibility. My friend offered to help if I needed to talk.
Her second piece of advice shocked me. “We were all surprised! I wanted to know more, but we had reached her house. His reputation is one of using and abusing women, and the last two girlfriends have restraining orders against him.”
My mind raced faster than a home run out of Yankee Stadium. If she divorced me and then he abused her, would I have enough love and strength to help her? Would she even let me? She could divorce me, but that would not stop me from loving her. If you love someone, you need to be there for them when they need you, not when you need them.
The Last Weekend
As the end of the two weeks approached, I was exhausted and weak. I had hardly slept, and my stomach was so upset that liquid Pepto Bismol became my preferred drink. I felt deep in my soul that I had lost the love of my life.
Sunday, when the two-week period ended, I was one hundred percent sure she would ask for a divorce, and I had role-played it in front of the bathroom mirror to ensure I did not cry. If she was leaving me, I knew I needed to be strong enough to accept it in a way that would allow me to be there for her if her new boyfriend abused her. As much as I practiced, tears still flowed like an open fire hydrant on Maujer Street.
The last Saturday, we went to an event for the ambulance squad where we were both squad members and served on the board. Her boyfriend was a member but not on the board.
I was nervous about going as it would be the first time I would be with her when her boyfriend was also present. Because I had heard from many people about the affair, I was sure they would know more about her relationship and its likely devastating impact on our marriage than I did.
Jan put on a beautiful new dress I had bought for her and insisted we go. When we arrived, everyone greeted me with hugs and back slaps. They whispered to me, but loud enough for Jan to hear that they did not like it when people intentionally hurt me.
When I stood up to speak about the importance of community and volunteerism, I realized her boyfriend was not at the event. Among the topics in my speech was the importance of commitment to our neighbors and community. Everyone liked my address and clapped for what seemed like forever, and I felt I was in a room full of friends.
After the event, we helped clean up the hall. I almost cried when I walked by the payphone I used to make my first call to her. We walked out with Ricky and Margie, hugged me, and waved at Jan.
We parted and began what I was sure was our last walk home as a married couple. We turned right on Graham Avenue and headed north. We talked about the evening. She kept saying how excellent my speech was. I wanted to ask if she had heard the word commitment but chose not to ask.
When we turned left on Ainslie Street, our conversation ended. I wanted to tell her I loved her but was afraid I would cry. We had walked home this way so often; it felt like loving memories surrounded us.
I broke the silence as we turned right onto Lorimer Street, only a half block from our apartment. “I am sorry your boyfriend wasn’t there tonight, and I am sure you would have enjoyed the event more if he had been there.”
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
