Sharing Jan’s Love

What I am doing is sharing her love. The love they receive increases as they share it with others.

Love is Our Only Salvation!

My wife, Jan, was lying in bed, her eyes fixed on me as she pleaded, “Honey, now that you’re not working anymore, please stay in bed with me.” I was standing on her side of the bed, pondering my next move, when I heard her voice. Her words melted my heart, and I couldn’t resist her request. Her words melted my heart, and I couldn’t resist her request. Although I had a lazy day ahead without work and other obligations, I knew I couldn’t refuse Jan’s plea. I decided to stay and hold her in my arms, cherishing the precious moments we spent together. As I returned to bed, I noticed her nightgown lying on the floor. I kissed her and whispered, “You’ve given me an offer I could not refuse.

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One Day At a Time,
I Am Becoming the
Best Version of Myself

During a dinner in Philadelphia, the night before the Flower Show, my good friend Hugo noticed a significant change in me. He remarked that over the past three years, since the loss of my wife, Jan, I had changed. Intrigued, I asked him to elaborate. Hugo explained that during the first year after Jan’s death, I would break down in tears at any mention of her. But he had noticed my improvement since then, as I appeared more relaxed and content. I agreed, acknowledging the progress I had made. Then, with the wisdom of an old man, I said, “We often seek positive change in times of loss. To make it happen, we must be willing to become the change we desire.”

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I am an Incurable Romantic, and My Life is an Open Book

The essence of life lies in living it to the fullest, but what if we find ourselves living it all alone? The words of Lauren Groff from her book “The Vaster Wilds” resonate with my situation, as she rightly pointed out that to exist alone and survive is not the same as being alive. Although I strive to make the most of my life by reading, writing, walking, offering help to others, and serving as the board chair for Bridges, I still feel that I am merely surviving from one day to the next.

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The Little Prince

Read: May 2021

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The Little Prince

by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry is often referred to as a children’s book. I read it as a child and later read it to my children. After Jan died, I picked it up again and read it more than once.

I have found quotes from the book very helpful during my grief journey. These are three that I often use in my writing and my conversations with friends and family.

The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.”

It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.

You see, one loves the sunset when one is so sad.”

The first quote about beautiful things only felt in the heart summarizes how I knew Jan was the one for me within seconds of meeting her.

For those who have not read the book, this overview might help convince you to read it today!

The Little Prince describes his journey from planet to planet, each tiny world populated by a single adult. It’s a wonderfully inventive sequence that evokes the great fairy tales and monuments of postmodern whimsy. The author pokes similar fun at a business person, a geographer, and a lamplighter, all of whom signify some futile aspect of adult existence.

The Little Prince will be by my bedside as long as I live!

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Trouble the Saints

Read: January 2022

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Trouble the Saints

by Alaya Dawn Johnson

Trouble the Saints by Alaya Dawn Johnson is one of NPR’s Books We Love from 2020. The dangerous magic of The Night Circus meets the powerful historical exploration of The Underground Railroad in this timely and unsettling novel, set against the darkly glamorous backdrop of New York City at the dawn of WWII. Amidst the whir of city life, a girl from Harlem is drawn into the glittering underworld of Manhattan, where she’s hired to use her knives to strike fear amongst its most dangerous denizens.

The book is written in three sections with different protagonists and voices. Phyllis, or Pea as her friends call her, is a black assassin for a white mob boss narrates the first section of the book. Her saint’s hands are the ability to use knives to commit murder. She can also pass as white as Phyllis, but she is a black woman from Harlem as Pea. The section she narrates is difficult at first to follow as she attempts to deal with the consequences of her actions. Can the past ever be the past?

Dev, Indian and Phyllis’s lover, narrates the second section. He is an undercover cop who protects her and helps her free herself from the mob boss. This section is located in the Hudson Valley and highlights the tensions before the war between whites and non-whites.

The third protagonist, Tamara, narrates this section. The war separates Phyllis and Dev. Phyllis is pregnant, and Dev and Tamara’s love interest are serving in the military. This section brings together the threads and reminds us that the past is never the past.

As Goodreads summarizes the book,

But the ghosts from her past are always by her side—and history has appeared on her doorstep to threaten the people she loves most.

Can one woman ever sacrifice enough to save an entire community?

Trouble the Saints is a dazzling, daring novel—a magical love story, a compelling chronicle of interracial tension, and an altogether brilliant and deeply American saga.

I recommend this book and encourage all readers to read it to the end.

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Aftermirth

Read: August 2022

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Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan

by Hillary Jordan

Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan is a book about grief as the two protagonists take a road trip that is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their suffering and others, and then beyond it, to a place of peace and laughter. I had just finished reading When She Woke by Ms. Jordan and having enjoyed that book, reading a second one by the same author seemed reasonable.

When I selected this short novel to read, I questioned if it was a good choice for me.

I found it easier to read and, in some ways, helpful. It was like meeting fellow widows from my Zoom grief groups in person at Camp Widow. The ability to laugh about our loss and cry openly is essential to meeting fellow benefits.

Michael Larssen, the narrator, raised a question I have not and still do not want to consider. What if I am still alive, Jan was a great love but is not the love of my life?

“You can’t know that he was the love of your life, and do you know why? Because guess what, you aren’t dead yet. You may feel dead right now, and believe me I’ve been there, but the fact is, until you’re lying under a tombstone of your own you can’t be sure about anything. You could prick your finger on one of your roses tomorrow, and as you’re climbing the stairs to get a Band-Aid, you trip over one of the pugs and tumble to your death. Or you could meet a man in the checkout line at the grocery store–hell, you could meet a woman even and fall madly in love with her and end up with six kids and twenty grandkids. Michael looks over at Elena, then back at George. You just don’t know, George. That’s the thing. None of us does.”— Aftermirth (Kindle Single) by Hillary Jordan

Despite my anxiety about considering this disturbing question, I highly recommend Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

I stopped being funny the day my wife was electrocuted by her underwire bra.” So begins “Aftermirth,” a dark comedy that explores the absurdity of death through the eyes of thirty-one-year-old comedian, writer, and actor Michael Larssen. What is funny to the rest of the world is devastating to Michael, who loves his wife deeply, exceptionally her bright, rippling, abandoned laughter, which captivated him from the first time he heard it. In the aftermath of her death, he loses his sense of humor and his career.

Then, after two years of mourning her, he sees an article in the paper about a factory worker named Julio Santiago who fell into a giant vat of dough and was kneaded to death. For reasons Michael doesn’t understand, he decides to go to the man’s wake. There he meets and bonds with Julio’s twenty-nine-year-old daughter Elena, a law student who is reeling from her father’s unexpected and preposterous death.

Three months later, she calls him out of the blue and suggests that the two of them drive to North Carolina to speak with another survivor like themselves Elena has found on the Internet. Their road trip is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their grief and others and then beyond it to a place of peace and laughter.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Demon Copperhead: A Novel

Read: December 2022

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Demon Copperhead: A Novel

by Barbara Kingsolver

Demon Copperhead: A Novel by Barbara Kingsolver is a must-read page-turner! Set in the mountains of southern Appalachia, this is the story of a boy born to a teenage single mother in a single-wide trailer, with no assets beyond his dead father’s good looks and copper-colored hair, a caustic wit, and a fierce talent for survival. Demon Copperhead speaks for a new generation of lost boys and all those born into beautiful, cursed places they can’t imagine leaving behind.

With more knowledge about the devastation of an economy that works for a few and the opioid crisis, I felt as if I was reading about people I knew. Although the book focuses on the impact on boys, it also details the devastation that girls experience.

If Jan had read Demon Copperhead, she would have encouraged me to read it. It reminds us of the work we must do to repair the world.

As a widow, it was a reminder of the long road that we must all take even after we have hit bottom.

WNYC’s All of it hosted an interview with Barbara Kingsolver in which she speaks about Demon Copperhead and her writing.

Demon Copperhead is one of the NYTimes’ top five fiction books of 2022. I have read three of them, The Candy House, The Furrows, and Checkout 19.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

In a plot that never pauses for breath, relayed in his unsparing voice, he braves the modern perils of foster care, child labor, derelict schools, athletic success, addiction, disastrous loves, and crushing losses. Through all of it, he reckons with his invisibility in a popular culture where even the superheroes have abandoned rural people in favor of cities.

Many generations ago, Charles Dickens wrote David Copperfield from his experience as a survivor of institutional poverty and its damage to children in his society. Those problems have yet to be solved in ours. Dickens is not a prerequisite for readers of this novel, but he provided its inspiration. In transposing a Victorian epic novel to the contemporary American South, Barbara Kingsolver enlists Dickens’ anger and compassion and, above all, his faith in the transformative powers of a good story. Demon Copperhead speaks for a new generation of lost boys and all those born into beautiful, cursed places they can’t imagine leaving behind.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel

Read: July 2024

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Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel

by Gabrielle Zevin

I delved into the pages of “Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel” by Gabrielle Zevin. The narrative unfolds the lives of Sam and Sadie, two college friends who evolve into creative partners in video game design. Their journey is a tapestry of fame, joy, tragedy, duplicity, and a form of immortality, all woven into a unique love story that captivated me like no other.

This love story uniquely portrays the challenges and triumphs of a relationship in the context of their shared creative endeavors.

On a bitter-cold day in December of his junior year at Harvard, Sam Masur exits a subway car and sees Sadie Green amid the hordes of people waiting on the platform. He calls her name. For a moment, she pretends she hasn’t heard him, but then, she turns, and a game begins: a legendary collaboration that will launch them to stardom.

These friends, who have been close since childhood, take bold steps, borrow money, and seek favors. Even before they graduate from college, they have birthed their first blockbuster, Ichigo. In a blink, the world is at their feet. Sam and Sadie, not yet twenty-five, are shining with brilliance, success, and wealth. But these attributes can’t shield them from their emotional rollercoaster of creative aspirations and the heartbreaks that come with it.

Spanning thirty years, from Cambridge, Massachusetts, to Venice Beach, California, and lands in between and far beyond, Gabrielle Zevin‘s Tomorrow, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow provides a profound exploration of the diverse nature of identity, disability, failure, the redemptive possibilities in play, and above all, our deep-seated need to connect: to be loved and to love. It’s a journey that will make you reflect on your life and relationships.



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The White Hot

Read: November 2025

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The White Hot: A Novel

by Quiara Alegría Hudes

The White Hot” by Quiara Alegría Hudes is a letter from a mother to her daughter, reflecting on a moment of abandonment that stretches from ten days to ten years. It offers an explanation rather than an apology. Hudes tells April’s story—spiritual and sensual, fierce and humorous—using delicate lyricism and tough love. Through this narrative, Hudes transforms April’s struggle for self-discovery into an unforgettable short epic.

April is a young mother raising her daughter in a multigenerational home filled with unspoken secrets and loud arguments. Her only refuge is the locked bathroom, where she plugs her ears into an ambient soundscape and repeats a mantra: “dead inside.” This continues until one day, as she feels herself spiraling toward the volcanic rage she calls “the white hot,” an inner voice tells her to simply walk away.

She goes to a bus station and asks for a one-way ticket to the furthest destination. This ticket takes her from her Philadelphia home to the threshold of a wilderness, marking the start of a nameless quest—an accidental journey that awakens her, nearly kills her, and leads her to an impossible choice.

As April discovers the key to freeing herself and her family from a cycle of generational trauma through her painful and absurd journey,


Quiara Alegría Hudes is a Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright known for her plays “Water by the Spoonful” and “In the Heights,” the latter of which won the Tony Award for Best Musical. She also adapted this musical for the screen.

Her memoir, “My Broken Language,” was longlisted for the Andrew Carnegie Medal. Hudes has written essays published in prominent outlets, including The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Cut, The Nation, and American Theater Magazine. Additionally, she co-founded the prison writing program Emancipated Stories with her cousin Sean.



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