The Triad of Love
Estimated reading time: 13 minutes, 6 seconds
Living Fully After Loss
Over the years, I have often spoken without taking the time to consider my words carefully. During my time at Monarch Housing, my coworkers maintained a list of what they called “Richardisms.” Sometimes, I discussed trivial things, while at other times, I revealed more profound truths that I had been afraid to face.
Recently, I had a heartfelt conversation with a friend about my journey through grief, a journey that’s stretched over four long years. I opened up to them about how my loss has tested me, challenging me in ways I never imagined. Yet, as I spoke, I realized it had also transformed me into a better version of myself. Sharing those thoughts brought a rush of anxiety—would my friend understand? Would they judge me for seeing any silver lining in such a heavy cloud? This blend of vulnerability and apprehension made our conversation all the more meaningful.
To my relief, my friend’s response was warm and validating. You’ve carried such an enormous burden,” they said, “and not only have you borne its weight, but you’ve also discovered invaluable lessons along the way.” At that moment, I felt the tension leave my body, and gratitude swelled within me for their understanding and support.
Navigating life after loss is a complex journey—it’s not just about enduring the pain but also about how we choose to respond and what we choose to learn from it. The day after her funeral, I started walking, and with each step during the first month, it felt like I was in the wilderness, much like Moses. While his burden was heavier than mine, I discovered that, like Moses, my time in the wilderness became an opportunity for learning.
Like Moses, I learned humility by admitting that I could not manage my grief alone. Through volunteering, I discovered my calling. I became more hospitable by greeting everyone not only with joyful words but also by offering blessings. Additionally, I developed the discipline to use my new skills to be a good neighbor. The lessons I learned in those first days and nights helped me use my ears to listen, my arms to embrace, and my feet to walk into the future.
As a result, I’ve also made it my mission to savor every moment I have left. I strive to be the best father, grandfather, neighbor, and friend I can be, filling my days with activities that bring me joy and purpose, such as reading, walking, worshiping, volunteering, and working to improve the world around me.
I know that none of us are perfect, especially me. However, over time, I’ve decided to embrace life fully, as Jeffrey Rosen beautifully articulated in “The Pursuit of Happiness,” focusing on the quest to be good rather than simply seeking to feel good.
By choosing this path, I honor my wife’s memory and strive to live a life she would be proud of rather than letting sorrow overshadow my remaining days.
Shalom!
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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
