Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

1224 Posts Likes
Frosty Days

Frosty Days and Nights

Frost covered the pumpkins during my morning walk. I returned home hoping for a warm welcome and found a frosty chill. Before the walk, I had turned on the heat, but it did not work. In June, we had a similar problem with the AC. Then, the apartment was in the low 90’s, but it is now 20 degrees cooler.

Continue reading →

Flower Show Without Jan

Jan and I always enjoyed going to the Philadelphia Flower Show. The last time we attended was in February 2019. In 2020 Jan was too ill to go, and we gave our tickets to friends. Yesterday, I made reservations for this year’s Flower Show “In Full Bloom.” It will be a journey to explore wildlife […]
Greif's Roller Coaster

Grief’s Roller Coaster

Grief’s roller coaster now only has minor lows and very small highs.

In some ways, it feels as if I am on the Lazy L subway line from the seventies. The train moves reasonably steadily, and it does rock back and forth, but it is not a roller coaster. If anything, the train often stops and waits forever in the tunnel.

The day I met Jan, the L train seemed as if it would sit in place until after her party was over.

Thankfully, it moved, and I was able to meet the love of my life.

Subscribe

Contact Us

Peaceful Jan

Is This The New Normal?

Today, my grief feels like it has for the last month. Stable but still sailing slowly to the Community of Love.

I never thought I could live without her for six months. The hospitalizations earlier this year, when I could not visit her, were more stressful.

Six months without her feels like an eternity. However, living alone has become my new regular. I am not sure it is what I expected or what I would like for the rest of my life, but will I live in this world?

I live one day at a time and share her love with everyone.

Subscribe

Contact Us

Jan Voting by Mail

Jan Voting by Mail

Voting is not only a right but an obligation. Jan and I voted together in every election. We both voted absentee last year with Jan’s Lymphoma and COVID-19. The Dropbox was by our town’s library. It usually is a short four-tenths of a mile walk from our apartment, and last year, it was a slower, lovely walk together.

If Jan could make an effort to vote when her life was on the line, we can all fulfill our obligation this year and every year by voting.

I can share her love by sharing her passion for voting.

Subscribe

Contact Us

Visiting Jan During COVID

We had survived COVID, the never-ending ER visit, but we were together and had hope.
Jan by the Sea

Six Months Solo

Living solo for six months seems like an eternity! Memories of life before Jan’s death are faded and covered in cobwebs. Even the first and last kisses, however gentle they may be, vanish from my mind. As much as I have lived alone but not lonely, I miss her very much.

A year ago, we were preparing for her discharge after CAR-T. The two of us were cautiously optimistic, and we would not have believed them if the doctors had told us that she had only six months left.

Today and every day, I share Jan’s love with everybody.

Subscribe

Contact Us

How Did I Grieve?

If grief has made me a better person, it's because God gave me the ability to listen, embrace, and move forward into the future. Although I miss Jan dearly, I am committed to living with courage, honoring her memory, and being my best father, grandfather, friend, and neighbor.

Show thread (1)

Halloween Jan

Jan on Halloween

As we aged, Jan continued to love dressing up for Halloween long after I decided not to wear a costume. The photo shows one of her favorite costumes. The blue jacket is mine; I wore it the day we met, and we still have it. The buttons were primarily from a collection of historic presidential campaign buttons I had. The wig is one Jan purchased. Of course, the smile is all Jan.

Continue reading →

Love is a Magical Force!

Whenever I fall in love, I do so with all my heart and soul, leaving no room for half-steps. My love is unconditional and knows no boundaries. My wife knew and accepted me for who I am. Together, Jan and I created a legacy for ages to come.

Show thread (1)

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Frosty Days
×
Greif's Roller Coaster
×
Peaceful Jan
×
Jan Voting by Mail
×
Jan by the Sea
×
The New Wilderness

Read: October 2021

Get this book

The New Wilderness

by Diane Cook

The New Wilderness by Diane Cook. The New Wilderness is a timely book and one that resonated with me. When Jan and I met in 1973, it was a revolutionary time with movements encouraging communes and returning to the farm. Neither Jan nor I were interested in living in a commune. Reading this book helped reassure me that we made the correct choice.

The summary of the book is:

Margaret Atwood meets Miranda July in this wildly imaginative debut novel of a mother’s battle to save her daughter in a world ravaged by climate change; A prescient and suspenseful book from the author of the acclaimed story collection, Man V. Nature.

Bea’s five-year-old daughter, Agnes, is slowly wasting away, consumed by the smog and pollution of the overdeveloped metropolis that most of the population now calls home. If they stay in the city, Agnes will die. There is only one alternative: the Wilderness State, the last swath of untouched, protected land, where people have always been forbidden. Until now.

Bea, Agnes, and eighteen others volunteer to live in the Wilderness State, guinea pigs in an experiment to see if humans can exist in nature without destroying it. Living as nomadic hunter-gatherers, they slowly and painfully learn to survive in an unpredictable, dangerous land, bickering and battling for power and control as they betray and save one another. But as Agnes embraces the wild freedom of this new existence, Bea realizes that saving her daughter’s life means losing her in a different way. The farther they get from civilization, the more their bond is tested in astonishing and heartbreaking ways.

At once a blazing lament of our contempt for nature and a deeply humane portrayal of motherhood and what it means to be human, The New Wilderness is an extraordinary novel from a one-of-a-kind literary force.

When I finished this book, I read Pompeii Still Has Buried Secrets by  in The New Yorker. It reminded me of all of the threats to civilization that we face, who will be Pliny the Younger to be “the only surviving eyewitness account of the disaster.” Fleeing our cities for the wilderness is no longer an option!

Subscribe

Contact Us

When you buy a book or product using a link on this page, I receive a commission. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

×
Halloween Jan
×
What We Can Know

Read: September 2025

Get this book

What We Can Know: A Novel

by Ian McEwan

What We Can Know” by Ian McEwan, the critically acclaimed author of nineteen novels and two short story collections, is a remarkable work of fiction and a love story that celebrates both individuals and the words they leave behind. This literary detective story reclaims the present from our sense of impending catastrophe and envisions a future world where not everything is lost.

In 2014, during a dinner for close friends and colleagues, renowned poet Francis Blundy honored his wife’s birthday by reading aloud a new poem dedicated to her, titled “A Corona for Vivien.” As the guests enjoy a delicious meal and drink plenty of wine, little do they know that people will speculate about the meaning of this poem for generations to come. A copy of the poem was never published, and it remains an enduring mystery.

Fast forward to 2119: over one hundred years in the future, rising seas following a catastrophic nuclear accident have submerged much of the Western world. The survivors tormented by the memory of the vibrant world research the world that once existed. In the waterlogged south of what was once England, Thomas Metcalfe, a lonely scholar and researcher, longs for the early twenty-first century as he searches for the elusive poem “A Corona for Vivien.”

Thomas reflects on how wild and full of risk their lives were, captivated by the freedoms and possibilities of human life at its zenith. When he stumbles upon a clue that may lead to the poem’s discovery, he uncovers a story of entangled loves and a brutal crime that shatters his assumptions about people he thought he knew intimately.


Ian McEwan is a critically acclaimed author known for his nineteen novels and two short story collections. His first published work, a collection of short stories titled “First Love, Last Rites,” won the Somerset Maugham Award.

His notable novels include “The Child in Time,” which won the Whitbread Novel of the Year Award in 1987; “The Cement Garden“; “Enduring Love;” “Amsterdam;” which won the Booker Prize in 1998; “Atonement;” “Saturday;” “On Chesil Beach;” “Solar;” “Sweet Tooth;” “The Children Act;” “Nutshell;” and “Machines Like Me,” which became a number-one bestseller.

Several of his works, including “Atonement,” “Enduring Love,” “The Children Act;,” and “On Chesil Beach,” have been adapted into films.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


×
A House for Alice: A Novel

Read: September 2023

Get this book

A House for Alice: A Novel

by Diana Evans

I just started reading A House for Alice: A Novel by Diana Evans. The story is set against a complicated political backdrop but is filled with hope, humor, and humanity. A House for Alice explores the scars of grief and betrayal across generations and reveals the secrets we keep from our loved ones.

The novel opens with two tragedies that occur in London. The first is the Grenfell Tower fire, which took many lives. The second is the death of Cornelius Winston Pitt, a family patriarch who dies alone. A House for Alice is a beautiful and poignant story about a family of women shaken by loss and searching for closure.

The family matriarch, Alice, has lived in England for fifty years but longs to spend her remaining years in her homeland, Nigeria. Her three daughters are divided on the matter. The youngest daughter, Melissa, is also struggling with the aftermath of her failed relationship. The family’s foundational pillars of trust, love, and cultural identity begin to weaken as they navigate these difficult times.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



×
There Is No Place for Us

Read: April 2025

Get this book

There Is No Place for Us

by Brian Goldstone

Today, I delved into There Is No Place for Us by Brian Goldstone, a poignant exploration of America’s escalating homelessness crisis. Goldstone’s examination of the issue’s scale, root causes, and consequences is a wake-up call, passionately arguing that housing must be recognized as a fundamental human right. His compelling narrative demands our immediate attention and action.

The phrase “the working homeless” serves as a stark reminder of the urgency of America’s homelessness crisis. In a country where hard work and determination are expected to lead to success, it is scandalous that individuals with full-time jobs struggle to maintain stable housing. Rising rents, low wages, and insufficient tenant rights have contributed to this alarming trend. Families are facing homelessness not due to a failing economy but because of a thriving one.

In his compelling and thoroughly researched book, Brian Goldstone explores the lives of five families in Atlanta. Maurice and Natalia attempt to rebuild their lives in the country’s “Black Mecca” after being priced out of Washington, D.C. Kara aspires to become an entrepreneur while working at a public hospital. Britt has secured a much-coveted housing voucher. Michelle is studying to become a social worker. Celeste works tirelessly at her warehouse job while battling ovarian cancer. Each of these individuals strives to provide a decent life for their children. Yet, one by one, they find themselves among the nation’s working homeless, demonstrating their resilience and the system’s failures.

Through intimate, novelistic portrayals, Goldstone exposes the human cost of this crisis, following parents and their children as they sleep in cars or squalid extended-stay hotel rooms, then head to their jobs and schools the next day. These are the nation’s hidden homeless—people often omitted from official statistics—showing that overflowing shelters and street encampments represent only the most visible aspects of a much larger problem.


Brian Goldstone is a journalist whose long-form reporting and essays have appeared in The New York Times, Harper’s Magazine, The New Republic, The California Sunday Magazine, and Jacobin, among other publications. He has a PhD in anthropology from Duke University and was a Mellon Research Fellow at Columbia University. In 2021, he was a National Fellow at New America. He lives in Atlanta with his family.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!

Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


×
Bluff: Poems

Read: December 2024

Get this book

Bluff: Poems

by Danez Smith

Today, I began reading Bluff: Poems by Danez Smith, which was selected as one of The New York Times 100 Notable Books of 2024. This collection emerged after two years of artistic silence, during which the world slowed due to the COVID-19 pandemic, and Minneapolis became the epicenter of protests following the murder of George Floyd. In Bluff, Danez Smith powerfully reflects on their role and responsibilities as a poet and their connection to their hometown of the Twin Cities.

This book addresses the awakening from violence, guilt, shame, and critical pessimism to a sense of wonder, envisioning how we might strive for a new existence in a world that seems to be descending into desolate futures.

Smith infuses these poems with a startling urgency; their questions demand a new language, deep self-scrutiny, and virtuosic textual shapes. A series of ars poetica gives way to “anti-poetica” and “ars America,” implicating poetry in collusion with unchecked capitalism. A photographic collage builds across a sequence, illustrating the consequences of America’s acceptance of mass shootings. Additionally, a brilliant long poem—part map, part annotation, part visual argument—offers the history of Saint Paul’s vibrant Rondo neighborhood before and after officials decided to route an interstate directly through it.

Bluff is a manifesto of artistic resilience, even when time feels fleeting and the places we hold dear—both given and created—are in turmoil. In this powerful collection, Smith turns to honesty, hope, rage, and imagination to envision possible futures.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


×
A Train to Moscow

Read: February 2022

Get this book

A Train to Moscow

by Elena Gorokhova

A Train to Moscow by Elena Gorokhova is set in post–World War II Russia; a girl, must reconcile a tragic past with her hope for the future in this powerful and poignant novel about family secrets, passion, loss, perseverance, and ambition. In a small, provincial town behind the Iron Curtain, Sasha lives in a house full of secrets, one of which is her dream of becoming an actress.

When she leaves for Moscow to audition for drama school, she defies her mother and grandparents and abandons her first love, Andrei.

Before she leaves, Sasha discovers the hidden war journal of her uncle Kolya, an artist still missing in action years after the war has ended. His pages expose the official lies and the forbidden truth of Stalin’s brutality. Kolya’s revelations and tragic love story guide Sasha through drama school and cement her determination to live a thousand lives onstage.

After graduation, she begins acting in Leningrad, where Andrei, now a Communist Party apparatchik, becomes a censor of her work. As a past secret comes to light, Sasha’s ambitions converge with Andrei’s duties, and Sasha must decide if her dreams are genuinely worth the necessary sacrifice and if, as her grandmother likes to say, all will indeed be well.

This was a page-turner, as I held my breath to find out the next steps that Sasha would take. Her ambition combined with the secrets she learns keeps the reader focused on the next page.

I recommend this book.

Subscribe

Contact Us

When you buy a book or product using a link on this page, I receive a commission. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

×
Intermezzo: A Novel

Read: February 2025

Get this book

Intermezzo: A Novel

by Sally Rooney

Today, I dove into Sally Rooney‘s latest novel, “Intermezzo: A Novel,” which instantly captivated me. It’s a profoundly moving exploration of grief, love, and the intricacies of family life, with love at its heart. Reflecting on my journey through grief, I remember how Ms. Rooney‘s earlier work, “Beautiful World, Where Are You,” resonated with me during my second year of processing loss.

It beautifully highlighted love’s enduring nature and reminded me that, even in the depths of sorrow, love’s essence never truly fades. Intermezzo focuses on the fact that, aside from being brothers, Peter and Ivan Koubek seem to have little in common.

Peter is a Dublin lawyer in his thirties—successful, competent, and unassailable. But in the wake of their father’s death, he’s medicating himself to sleep and struggling to manage his relationships with two very different women—his enduring first love, Sylvia, and Naomi, a college student for whom life is one long joke.

Ivan is a twenty-two-year-old competitive chess player. He has always seen himself as socially awkward, a loner, the antithesis of his glib elder brother. Now, in the early weeks of his bereavement, Ivan meets Margaret, an older woman emerging from her turbulent past, and their lives become rapidly and intensely intertwined.

In this poignant interlude, we delve into the lives of two brothers grappling with their profound grief, accompanied by those who care for them. It’s a raw journey woven with threads of longing, heartbreak, and the flickering light of hope. Together, they navigate the uncharted territory of loss, uncovering how much the human spirit can withstand before it shatters.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


×