Caretaker No, Caregiver Yes!

Caretaker No, Caregiver Yes!

Estimated reading time: 1 minute, 36 seconds
Visiting Jan During COVID

I am visiting Jan in March 2021 in the hospital.

Sunday afternoon, my grandson joined me at The Shakespeare Theatre of NJ for The Caretaker.

Harold Pinter’s 1960 classic was performed flawlessly by the cast under the direction of Bonnie Monte.

Jon Barker, Isaac Hickox-Young, and Paul Mullins were the ideal cast for the absurdist play.

A decade after its premiere, I found myself, on occasion, in circumstances that Harold Pinter could have easily written.

Once I was working as a tenant organizer in an abandoned building that the City of New York had acquired.

As we prepared plans to convert the vacant building into affordable homes, I met one remaining tenant squatting in the building without heat or electricity.

He attempted during several meetings to claim he was the owner and would repair the building and find tenants.

In our last conversation, he offered me the opportunity of being his caretaker once he completed the work.

I declined as that was not a skill or a position I desired.

In place of being a caretaker, the love Jan and I shared prepared me for the most important task of my life, being Jan’s caregiver.

As Viktor Frankl wrote,

Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.

My love for Jan will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’sJan’s Love blog.

Man's Search for Meaning

Man's Search for Meaning

I remember reading portions of Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl at different times, but I never finished the book. However, recently, eight and a half months after the passing of Jan, the book came up for discussion in one of my groups. Frankl's theory of logotherapy, which derives from the Greek word for "meaning," centers around the idea that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud believed, but rather the search for what gives life meaning. I now have a framework for my life without Jan.

Read book review Get this book All books

Show thread (1)

Caretaker No, Caregiver Yes!

CancerCare Circle of Hope

Estimated reading time: 1 minute, 36 seconds

Last week, CancerCare, which provided me with vital support services, interviewed me about my role as a caregiver for their Circle of Hope.

As I often do, I did not respond directly to the questions but spoke from my heart.

The interview reminded me of the importance of being a caregiver and how our salvation is “through love and in love.

I would have done anything not to have been Jan’s caregiver.

But it was the job that my love required of me. As long as I live, being her husband and caregiver will be my highest honor.

Share your thoughts and ideas

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Man's Search for Meaning

Read: January 2022

Get this book

Man’s Search for Meaning

by Viktor E. Frankl

I recall reading portions of Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl at various times, but I never completed the book. However, recently, eight and a half months after Jan’s passing, my wife and I were discussing in one of my groups. Frankl’s theory of logotherapy, which derives from the Greek word for “meaning,” centers around the idea that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud believed, but rather the search for what gives life meaning. I now have a framework for my life without Jan.

For those like me who are widows, Frankl understands suffering,

In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.

Jan and I lived meaningful lives. My challenge now is to continue to find meaning in my life without Jan.

As Frankl writes,

Those who have a ‘why’ to live can bear with almost any ‘how.

The love Jan and I shared was one of my primary sources of meaning. In addition, I stopped working full-time at the end of 2018 and struggled to replace the purpose I had gained from repairing the world. After Jan died, I suffered the “provisional existence of an unknown limit, ” which Frankl experienced when he was in the concentration camps.

I have replaced the loss of meaning and purpose with a series of activities:

  1. Planning to celebrate Jan Day on her birthday this year.
  2. Writing my random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered;
  3. Reading more than ever, including my Goodreads 2022 Reading Challenge; and
  4. Walking more than I probably should.

I am also beginning to serve on the board of a few non-profits. It is time to transition from hands-on work to providing leadership in a different way.

Will this be enough to give my life meaning?

Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life, and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life, he can only respond by being responsible.

I must continue to focus on my search for meaning, as life will inevitably change over time.

My grief journey has taught me that love never dies,

For the first time in my life, I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry, thought, and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.

My path forward is to keep Jan’s love alive and continue to share it with others.

I recommend this book without reservation.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!

Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


×
Caretaker No, Caregiver Yes!
×
Caretaker No, Caregiver Yes!
×
North Sun: Or, the Voyage of the Whaleship Esther

Read: October 2025

Get this book

North Sun: A Novel

by Ethan Rutherford

North Sun: Or, the Voyage of the Whaleship Esther” by Ethan Rutherford is a finalist for the fiction category of the 2025 National Book Award. With one foot firmly planted in the traditional sea-voyage narrative, and another in a blazing mythos of its own, this debut novel looks unsparingly at the cost of environmental exploitation and predation, and in doing so feverishly sings not only of the past, but to the present and future as well.

Setting out from New Bedford in 1878, the crew of the Esther is confident the sea will be theirs: in addition to cruising the Pacific for whales, they intend to hunt the teeming northern grounds before the ice closes. But as they sail to their final destination in the Chukchi Sea, where their captain Arnold Lovejoy has an urgent directive of his own to attend to, their encounters with the natural world become more brutal, harrowing, ghostly, and strange.


Ethan Rutherford‘s fiction has appeared in BOMB, Tin House, Electric Literature, Ploughshares, One Story, American Short Fiction, Conjunctions, and The Best American Short Stories. He is the author of two story collections–Farthest South (Deep Vellum, 2020) and The Peripatetic Coffin and Other Stories (Ecco, 2013)–and for these works has been named a finalist for the Los Angeles Times Art Seidenbaum Award for First Fiction, a finalist for the John Leonard Prize and CLMP’s Firecracker Award, received honorable mention for the PEN/Hemingway Award, was a Barnes & Noble Discover Great New Writers selection, and was the winner of a Minnesota Book Award.

Born in Seattle, Washington, he received his MFA in Creative Writing from the University of Minnesota and now teaches Creative Writing at Trinity College. He lives in Hartford, Connecticut, with his wife and two children.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


×
The City We Became

Read: October 2021

Get this book

The City We Became: A Novel

by N. K. Jemisin

The City We Became: A Novel by N. K. Jemisin is my first science fiction and urban fantasy novel in quite some time. It is a story of culture, identity, magic, and myths in contemporary New York City. Jan and I had lived in New York City, and the book brought back fond memories.

Every great city has a soul. Some are ancient as myths, and others are as new and destructive as children.

But every City also has a dark side. A roiling, ancient evil stirs beneath the earth, threatening to destroy the City and her five protectors unless they can come together and stop it once and for all.

As Jemisin writes:

A city is never alone, not really — and this city seems less solitary than most. More like a family: many parts, frequently squabbling … but in the end, against enemies, they come together to protect one another. They must, or die.

The challenge is when evil forces threaten the City; the entire community needs to unite, and the City’s avatars for each of the five boroughs.

Initially, this is supposed to be one for each borough and one for the entire City. In the end, one of the avatars for the five boroughs chooses not to unite with the others. Without all six, they stand no chance to defeat the forces of evil.

How do they solve this? By adding the sixth borough – Jersey City.

I recommend this book without reservation.

When you buy a book or product using a link on this page, I receive a commission. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Subscribe

Contact Us

×
Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel

Read: September 2022

Get this book

Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel

Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel by Michael Stephen Daigle is the fifth and best Frank Nagler Novel.

Like many of us living in the Garden State, Detective Frank Nagler has seen his hometown of Ironton, NJ, undergo many changes over the past several years. Although I want to believe the level of scandal in Ironton is more fictional than typical. The author describes the scandals within the city’s government, the stench of its corruption embedded deep, rivaling the dank stagnant stench emanating from the old bog just outside town.

From the opening sentence, Dragony Rising was a page-turner. Every time I thought I could put the book down, it beckoned me to keep reading.

I highly recommend this book, especially if you like mysteries with a unique New Jersey focus. My only recommendation would be for the series to be named the Lauren Fox/Frank Nagler novels. Lauren is as much the brains of the operation as Frank.

I have read several Frank Nagler novels-A Game Called Dead, The Swamps of Jersey-and have been waiting for this one to be published.

The author’s summary provides a good overview.

Detective Frank Nagler is recalled from medical leave to lead an investigation into the bombing.

He finds a shadowy organization called The Dragony, whose roots go back to the early days of Ironton’s manufacturing and mining history, a history involving Nagler’s family in strange ways.

He also finds a decades-old conspiracy designed not just to enrich the Dragony leaders but to threaten the existence of Ironton itself.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

×
Small Things Like These

Read: July 2024

Get this book

Small Things Like These

by Claire Keegan

Today, I read “Small Things Like These” by Claire Keegan, one of the New York Times’s 100 Best Books of the 21st Century, and the seventeenth book I have read from that list. “Small Things Like These” is award-winning author Claire Keegan‘s landmark new novel, a tale of one man’s courage and a remarkable portrait of love and family.

The story is set in 1985 in a small Irish town. During the weeks leading up to Christmas, Bill Furlong, a coal merchant and family man, faces his busiest season. Early one morning, while delivering an order to the local convent, Bill makes a discovery that forces him to confront his past and the complicit silences of a town controlled by the church.

I found this short but well-written novel very impactful. The following quote explains the powerful impact of the need for meaning and purpose in our lives, as Furlong walks in the snow after taking action to bring home a young girl from a Magdalen laundry. How often can we ignore the small things like these and still look ourselves in the mirror?

“As they carried on along and met more people Furlong did and did not know, he found himself asking was there any point in being alive without helping one another? Was it possible to carry on along through all the years, the decades, through an entire life, without once being brave enough to go against what was there and yet call yourself a Christian, and face yourself in the mirror?”

As an international bestseller, ‘Small Things Like These‘ is a profoundly moving story of hope and quiet heroism. It’s a narrative that will make you admire the characters and stir your empathy, all crafted by one of our most critically acclaimed and iconic writers. The characters in the story are so relatable that you will feel understood and deeply invested in their journey.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Supporting these selections not only helps me continue providing you with personalized recommendations but also ensures you get access to meaningful stories that enrich your life. Your support truly makes a difference in helping me share more books and insights with you!


×
Atonement: A Novel

Read: August 2024

Get this book

Atonement: A Novel

by Ian McEwan

Today, I started reading “Atonement: A Novel” by Ian McEwan, an acclaimed Booker Prize-winning author. This symphonic novel explores complex themes, including love and war, childhood and class, guilt and forgiveness. It has been recognized as one of the New York Times’s 100 Best Books of the 21st Century, making it a must-read for those interested in these profound themes.

The story begins on a scorching summer day in 1935, when thirteen-year-old Briony Tallis witnesses a moment of flirtation between her older sister, Cecilia, and Robbie Turner, the son of a servant and Cecilia’s childhood friend. Briony’s incomplete understanding of adult motives and her literary gifts lead to a crime that significantly impacts their lives, taking them on an emotional journey of love, guilt, and forgiveness.

The narrative tracks the repercussions of this crime through the chaos and carnage of World War II, a vivid historical backdrop that immerses the reader into the twentieth century’s close. “Atonement” has been acclaimed for engaging readers on multiple levels, marking it a genuine masterpiece from the Booker Prize-winning, internationally bestselling author Ian McEwan.


Ian McEwan is a critically acclaimed author known for his nineteen novels and two short story collections. His first published work, a collection of short stories titled “First Love, Last Rites,” won the Somerset Maugham Award.

His notable novels include “The Child in Time,” which won the Whitbread Novel of the Year Award in 1987; “The Cement Garden“; “Enduring Love;” “Amsterdam;” which won the Booker Prize in 1998; “Atonement;” “Saturday;” “On Chesil Beach;” “Solar;” “Sweet Tooth;” “The Children Act;” “Nutshell;” and “Machines Like Me,” which became a number-one bestseller.

Several of his works, including “Atonement,” “Enduring Love,” “The Children Act;,” and “On Chesil Beach,” have been adapted into films.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


×
Being Mortal

Read: August 2019

Get this book

Being Mortal

by Atul Gawande

Before departing for Toronto to celebrate our 44th Wedding Anniversary, I went through the e-library. Everything on my list that I wanted to read was not available except for this book. Being Mortal by Atul Gawande is the book I read on our vacation before Jan’s diagnosis of non-Hodgkin Large B-cell Lymphoma.

Selecting Being Mortal might seem an accidental choice to some, and I believe it was a divine intervention. It prepared me to be a caregiver to my wife over the nineteen months of her fight with cancer. It helped me focus on the good life that my wife lived and not the pain and suffering.

Atul Gawande describes his book as “riveting, honest, and humane. Being Mortal shows that the ultimate goal is not a good death but a good life – to the very end.”

When I read the book, I wondered what I could have done to help my mother in her final years. The book offers an excellent overview of how nursing homes and assisted living facilities have struggled to meet the needs of their residents.

Dr. Gawande provides an in-depth overview of the benefits of hospice care. Although I knew of this option, reading this book helped me understand that I was ready for hospice when my wife came home for the last time.

He reminds us that “when it comes to the inescapable realities of aging and death, what medicine can do often runs counter to what it should.” As he writes in the book, the current system does not work and, in many cases, actually shortens life.

This book has had a lasting impact on my life. It allowed me to be a loving caregiver to my wife when she needed it more than anything else. I read it when it would be most beneficial to me.

I highly recommend this book.


Atul Gawande is the author of several bestselling books: Complications, a finalist for the National Book Award; Better; The Checklist Manifesto; and Being Mortal. He is also a surgeon at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, a staff writer for The New Yorker, and a professor at Harvard Medical School and the Harvard School of Public Health. He has won the Lewis Thomas Prize for Writing about Science, a MacArthur Fellowship, and two National Magazine Awards. In his work in public health, he is the Founder and Chair of Ariadne Labs, a joint center for health systems innovation, and Lifebox, a nonprofit organization dedicated to making surgery safer globally. He is also the chair of Haven, where he served as CEO from 2018 to 2020. He and his wife have three children and live in Newton, Massachusetts.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!

Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


×