Survival is Insufficient

Is Hell the Absence of the People You Long For?

As I strolled along, my Apple Watch displayed the distance I had covered, indicating that I had barely walked a tenth of a mile when I suddenly heard Abby’s melodious voice. It was an ordinary sight to spot her on the steps of St. Michael’s Catholic Church during my morning walks. Despite not attending the mass, she often visited to engage in conversations with the few parishioners who were closer in age to me than to her. Her regular act was a testament to her love for meaningful connections and a beautiful inspiration for all of us.

“Have you heard about Jim?” she asked, making sure I knew exactly who she was talking about by describing him as the elderly gentleman who regularly attends mass. Her words made me cringe slightly, as Jim was only a few years older than me. When I admitted that I hadn’t heard anything, she explained that he had collapsed and was currently in the hospital, apparently having suffered a minor stroke. The news hit me harder than I expected, making me realize the actual weight of the fragility of our connections. I didn’t know her last name, Jim’s, or most people I met on my walks. We both knew where Jim lived but not the specific condo unit.

As I strolled along, I felt like I was moving without purpose, almost as if I were in a dreamlike state. The thought crossed my mind – if Jim’s health deteriorated further and he passed on, would I even be informed about his funeral? Despite adapting to handling my daily routine independently, I couldn’t shake the awareness that we reside in a world where misfortune could unexpectedly befall us or those around us, leaving us with a constant sense of anxiety about potential loss.

After my two-hour walk, I savored my breakfast and delved into the captivating world of “Station Eleven” by Emily St. John Mandel. This compelling dystopian novel vividly depicts a world ravaged by a devastating pandemic, eerily reminiscent of our challenges during the COVID-19 outbreak. As I immersed myself in the storyline, I encountered a traveling symphony accompanied by Shakespearean actors, who adorned their caravan with a poignant quote from “Star Trek: Voyager” – “Because Survival is Insufficient.” This powerful quote profoundly resonated with me, sparking reflective thoughts about the profound struggles of solitary existence.

After I put away my iPad, I wandered around my comfortable three-room home. I’ve realized that simply existing isn’t enough. A line from Station Eleven, “Hell is the absence of the people you long for,” resonates with me, especially with more and more people living alone, not just due to losing a spouse. Our societal expectations haven’t adjusted to this new reality. I’ve been making progress in dealing with my grief, but I still find myself longing for the company of specific individuals, like the woman I have unrequited feelings for, and even those whose surnames I don’t know, like Abby and Jim. Are the words in my blog just a jumble of thoughts, or am I striving to find a more fulfilling way of life?