Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Jan and Ana

Jan Accepted Hospice With Grace

Memories of Pain-free Dentistry

Jan and Ana

Jan and Ana Visit During Hospice

As I sat in the dentist’s chair, waiting for the oral surgeon, I couldn’t help but notice the nitrous oxide dispenser. It had tubes for mixing oxygen with the oxide and was conveniently placed on wheels, making moving closer to the chair easy. I hadn’t seen one of these dispensers in years, and it had been even longer since I had been to a dentist who used it to alleviate pain for their patients.

During the early 1970s, while residing in East Williamsburg, I visited Dr. Lorber’s office on the corner of Maujer Street and Bushwick Avenue, just a block from my workplace. Rumors had circulated that the location was previously a luncheonette that drug dealers from The French Connection used for laundering money. When seeking a dentist, Dr. Lorber was highly recommended, with many mentioning his use of nitrous oxide. There were claims that Dr. Lorber had discovered drugs from the previous occupants and mixed them into the nitrous oxide.

I was skeptical about the effects of nitrous oxide despite its strong reputation. Once, while getting my wisdom tooth extracted by Dr. Lorber, the dental technician put a rubber mask on my face and adjusted the disperser’s knobs. When Dr. Lorber returned and removed the nitrous oxide mask, I thought my tooth had been extracted, so I left the office. However, Dr. Lorber corrected me as I walked down the hallway and instructed me to return to the dentist’s chair.

Jan, the love of my life, selected Dr. Lorber as her dentist because of his reputation for pain-free treatment. Despite suffering from mild dentophobia and avoiding dental appointments for years, Jan felt comfortable with Dr. Lorber. I was relieved we could visit the same dentist for our dental needs.

Despite experiencing a mild aversion to pain, when she received her lymphoma diagnosis, she displayed remarkable resilience in the face of the overwhelming discomfort. Each treatment was approached with a sense of calm and determination, and even upon learning of her hospice care, she remained a profile of courage. Her unwavering strength is a testament to her character. I can only hope to emulate it should I ever find myself in a similarly life-threatening situation without resorting to nitrous oxide to mitigate my anxieties.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Home for Hospice

I must focus all my attention on Jan, who will come home for hospice care. Although resources are limited, I will give Jan my utmost love and support.

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Shadow of a Face in Harriet Tubman Square

Celebrating Juneteenth in Newark

Shadow of a Face in Harriet Tubman Square

Shadow of a Face in Harriet Tubman Square

Shadow of a Face in Harriet Tubman Square

On Monday, I attended the Juneteenth celebrations in downtown Newark and had a wonderful time. Our day began at Harriet Tubman Square, where we paid tribute to her contribution to the Black Liberation Movement’s history in the area and the Underground Railroad. We also saw the newly installed monument, “Shadow of a Face,” which replaced the Columbus statue. The monument’s name, inspired by Robert Hayden’s poem “Runagate Runagate,” is a tribute to Tubman.

Celebrating Juneteenth in Newark

Celebrating Juneteenth in Newark

After participating in singing and poetry activities, we marched through Newark and reached the NJ Performing Arts Center. We had an informative discussion about “Slavery’s Impact on the Black Experience in New Jersey.” It was a valuable learning experience, and I better understood the hidden histories that deserve more recognition. I have also shared two brief videos in this post that further explore the lasting impact of slavery. I was fascinated to learn that New Jersey was the last state to abolish slavery, and Queen Anne brought it to the state.

Overall, I am grateful for the opportunity to celebrate Juneteenth and look forward to next year’s festivities. Although Jan couldn’t join me physically, her spirit was with me. She would have joined me in wondering how long we must wait to see Harriet Tubman’s face on the US $20 bill. It’s long overdue!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Day of Action On Climate Crisis

I recently attended the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism's Day of Action on the Washington climate emergency as a Temple Sha'arey Shalom representative. This was my first advocacy trip in almost five years, during which I advocated for funding for affordable housing for people with disabilities and people experiencing homelessness. This time, I was advocating for climate action as part of the Power for Purpose campaign of the Reform Movement. I had the opportunity to meet with staff from Senator Cory Booker and Congressman Chris Smith and later with Congressmen Donald Payne, Jr. via Zoom.

During the event, two speakers challenged us to think differently about the work we need to do. LaTosha Brown, Co-founder of the Black Voters Matter Fund and the Black Voters Capacity Building Institute encouraged us to levitate above public conversations that do not focus on solving problems and see the big picture. Reverend Senator Raphael Warnock from Georgia challenged us to view our work as an effort to redeem the soul of America, which the rise of antisemitism, racism, sexism, and other forms of hatred has damaged.

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Counting My Blessings

The Importance of a Place to Call Home!

Where We Live Shapes Who We Are!

Counting My Blessings

My Family Having Fun

Growing up, I realized the importance of having a place to call home. My family lived in the same house when I was a child. Although we briefly lived in another home for two years while saving to buy our permanent residence, I was too young to remember that house. After completing my studies at university, my parents relocated multiple times to find the most suitable place for their retirement.

Dedicated to helping others achieve their dream of owning a home, I have contributed to constructing and strengthening communities throughout my career. However, I’ve also lived a nomadic lifestyle, moving from place to place until I became a widow and realized the significance of location and our responsibilities to each other.

As a widow, I’ve discovered that my place of residence has become essential in managing my grief. I’ve actively enhanced my community as a tribute to my late partner, Jan’s love. Volunteering and making new friends have made me a vital part of a thriving community. Our place of residence shapes who we are and how we live, and I’m becoming stronger one day at a time, with my grief gradually fading away.

While no place is perfect, we must work together to improve our homes for future generations. The opening night performance of Eisenhower: This Piece of Ground reminded me of the work we must do to leave our homes in better condition for those who will call it their own.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Discovering Life’s Secret Sauce

Jan requested that I prepare Matzoh Brie for her in her final days. I was unfamiliar with the recipe, but Jan kindly wrote it down. Following my grandmother's advice, I added a generous amount of love while preparing it. This addition made the Matzoh Brie exceptional, and Jan couldn't stop complimenting it as the most delicious meal she had ever eaten..

Even after Jan's death, her love continues to inspire me. I can overcome challenges with confidence and grace by following her passion for life and infusing everything I do with her love.

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Jan in Washington January 2017

My Community Network Helps Me!

My Interconnected Worlds Grow Stronger!

Jan in Washington January 2017

Jan in Washington January 2017

I was checking the NJ Transit board for train schedules when I stumbled upon a rare one-seat ride to Cranford. My friend, Arnold’s train, was leaving earlier, so we agreed to stay in touch. As he headed towards his platform, I thanked him for inviting me to see “Eisenhower: This Piece of Ground.”

During the Raritan Valley train ride, I suddenly realized my throat was parched. Unfortunately, it was too late to get off and buy a water bottle. When I arrived, I focused on rushing home to quench my thirst. While crossing North Avenue, I heard someone call my name. It was Chris with his brother, Billy, and a couple sitting outside Ambelis. Chris asked if I knew Molly and Adam, but I replied negatively, and he introduced me.

After exchanging pleasantries, Chris revealed that Molly and Adam were getting married. I congratulated them and showed them my ring finger, saying, “I am still married!” Chris asked me how long it had been since my wife, Jan, had passed away. I told him it had been 25 months.

Chris and Billy fondly remembered how Jan and I loved each other and how I still loved and honored her. I chimed in, saying that love never dies. Molly, an actor, and a florist, commented on how wonderful it is to see that love can be so strong that it survives a partner’s death. Billy added that he and his brother admired me because not many couples can love as fully as Jan and I did.

After hugging everyone, I thanked Chris for warmly welcoming Patty and Jan when I introduced them to him on Sunday. He reminded me that his friends were my friends, and we went our separate ways. In that brief and unexpected encounter, four of my worlds came together, reminding me of my community mesh network and how it had helped me navigate my grief.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Community Engagement Makes Me Stronger Than Grief

I came across an enlightening essay by Brad Stulberg in The New York Times that helped me articulate my thoughts. Stulberg emphasized the significance of being connected to others within a community and how we are stronger when we are together. This is a belief that I have always held and advocated for.

In his essay, Stulberg shares a quote from Ram Dass: "We're all just walking each other home." This quote struck a chord because it made me realize that I'm not alone on my journey - I have Jan and a supportive community by my side. Being a part of a community has always been important to Jan and me. We've worked hard to create and revitalize physical and virtual neighborhoods. Even though Jan is no longer with me, I'm still involved in multiple communities and find comfort in the sense of togetherness they provide.

All We Need Are Freinds

Sunday in the Park with Patty and Jan

All We Need Are Freinds

All We Need Are Freinds

Patty, Jan, and I are Sitting on one of My Wife’s Benches.

Sometimes, days can be dull and unmemorable, but every once in a while, life surprises us with a day we will never forget. Last Sunday, Patty and Jan, two friends from my Saturday Chosen Family Grief Group, visited me, even though the NJ Transit bus driver was lost and needed directions. They joined other passengers on the journey singing, “Did they ever return? No, they never returned, and their fate is still unknown..” But they persisted and made it to Cranford!

Patty and Jan Visiting Hanson Park

Patty and Jan Visiting Hanson Park

Together, we went to Hanson Park to see my wife’s memorial garden and wind sculpture. We sat on one of the benches dedicated to my wife’s memory and enjoyed delicious Greek lemon soup from Ambelis and pastries from Papa Ganache bakery. It was a fantastic day filled with joyous memories I will always cherish. Thank you, Patty and Jan, for making it a day I will never forget. Later that evening, we had dinner with four other widows, where three of the diners celebrated their birthdays, including Patty and Jan.

Although we had many visitors when we celebrated Jan’s life, the number of widows who have come to Cranford since that event is minimal. Spending Sunday in the park with Patty and Jan was a fantastic day filled with memories I will always treasure. As much as I love reminiscing about old times, I also want and need more opportunities to share my piece of ground with my friends.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Chosen Family Minimizes My Grief!

As Melissa Kirsch wrote in The NY Times, chosen families are often created outside the traditional nuclear family structure and have become my source of love and support.

From grief support groups to my faith community and my circle of friends, I am grateful for the interconnectedness of these communities. They have become my chosen family, and I depend on them just as they count on me. Through it all, I have learned that love never dies.

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Jan and Ana
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I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home

Read: June 2023

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I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home

by Lorrie Moore

Today, I started reading Lorrie Moore‘s latest novel; I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home. It’s her first book since A Gate at the Stairs, and it’s a bold and contemplative exploration of love, death, passion, and grief. Moore examines what it means to be haunted by the past in terms of history and the human heart.

The story follows a teacher who visits his dying brother in the Bronx. A mysterious journal from the 19th century is stolen from a boarding house. There’s also a therapy clown and an assassin, who is presumed dead but may not be.

Moore’s unique wordplay, wry humor, and wisdom make for an enchanting read. She presents us with a magic box of surprises, exploring themes of love, rebirth, and the pull toward life. This novel is a poetic and imaginative portrait of lovers and siblings that questions the stories we’ve been told and whether they’re true.

With I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home, Moore takes us on a journey to a windswept, tragic, and comic landscape. It’s unmistakably her world and a journey you won’t forget.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Shadow of a Face in Harriet Tubman Square
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Counting My Blessings
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Berlin- A Novel

Read: June 2023

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Berlin: A Novel by Bea Setton

by Bea Setton

I’ve begun reading Berlin: A Novel by Bea Setton. After finishing Kairos, a book set in a divided Berlin, Setton’s debut novel is witty and insightful, with a young woman battling a sense of emptiness who moves to Berlin for a fresh start. However, things go differently than planned.

Daphne, the protagonist, moves to Berlin hoping for a new beginning but deals with more drama than she left behind. She knows she needs to make friends, learn German, and navigate a new way of life. She even expects to spend long nights alone with Nutella and experience the difficulties of online dating in another language. But one night, something unexpected and unnerving happens in her apartment, and Daphne’s life suddenly turns dangerous.

Setton captures the modern female experience with sharp observations and wit, making Berlin a must-read for her generation.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Jan in Washington January 2017
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All We Need Are Freinds
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After Annie: A Novel

Read: February 2024

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After Annie: A Novel

by Anna Quindlen

I started reading Anna Quindlen‘s “After Annie: A Novel” today. Forty years ago, my wife Jan and I used to read Ms. Quindlen’s column “Life in the Thirties” in The New York Times, even if we didn’t have time to read anything else. We clipped and saved each column, which helped us manage getting older with children. I am reading “After Annie,” which is about how love can overcome loss.

Anna Quindlen, the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Still Life with Bread Crumbs and One True Thing, is known for her insightful wisdom on family, friendship, and the bonds that unite us. Her latest novel explores the power of love to overcome loss and adversity.

The story centers around the Brown family and their matriarch, Annie. When Annie suddenly passes away, the family is forced to navigate life without their beloved wife, mother, and friend. Bill, Annie’s husband, struggles to cope with the loss, while Annemarie, her best friend, must confront the bad habits she once overcame with Annie’s help. Ali, Annie’s eldest child, must take on new responsibilities to care for her younger brothers and father.

Although Annie is no longer physically present, her memory continues to guide and inspire those who love her. Her voice resonates in their minds, offering them comfort, wisdom, and clarity. Through the power of her love, Annie gives her family the strength they need to move on without her. They learn that even though their beloved Annie is gone, she will always be with them in spirit.

After Annie” is a poignant and touching story exploring the unanticipated ways adversity can transform our lives. With her signature style that strikes an emotional chord, Quindlen delivers a heartwarming tale about the tenacity of love and how it can triumph over even the most formidable obstacles. This story of hope is a testament to the enduring strength of the human spirit and its ability to rise above life’s challenges. It inspires us to believe in the power of love and its capacity to reshape our lives for the better.

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The Corrections: A Novel

Read: September 2024

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The Corrections: A Novel

by Jonathan Franzen

Today, I embarked on a profound exploration of the human condition through Jonathan Franzen‘s ‘The Corrections: A Novel.’ It guides us from the heart of the Midwest in the mid-century to the bustling streets of Wall Street and the enigmatic landscapes of Eastern Europe. It’s no surprise that it’s hailed as one of The New York Times 100 Best Books of the 21st Century.

Jonathan Franzen‘s ‘The Corrections: A Novel‘ is not just a family saga but a profound critique of our modern society. It’s a work of art that delves into the issues of our new century, enlightening us with its insights. Franzen masterfully juxtaposes the old-fashioned America of freight trains, civic responsibility, and holiday treats with the modern absurdities of neuroscience, home surveillance, hands-off parenting, DIY mental health care, and the anti-gravity New Economy. It’s a narrative that will evoke laughter, tears, and deep contemplation. Through ‘The Corrections,’ Franzen establishes himself as one of the leading interpreters of American society and the American spirit.

Enid Lambert is distraught. She conceals her anxiety from her neighbors and adult children, but her husband, Alfred, is slipping into a world of his own. Whether it’s the medication for his Parkinson’s disease or his pessimism, he’s becoming increasingly detached. His days are spent brooding in the basement, engaging in mysterious, unsettling actions, and struggling to understand Enid’s words. The depth of their struggle is palpable, drawing the reader into their world.

Trouble also brews in the lives of Enid’s children. Her eldest son, Gary, a banker in Philadelphia, has become callous and materialistic, trying to push his parents out of their old home and into a small apartment. The middle child, Chip, has abruptly quit his exciting job as a professor at D—— College for no discernible reason. He moved to New York City, seemingly embracing a “transgressive” lifestyle while working on a screenplay. Meanwhile, the youngest, Denise, has left her disastrous marriage only to waste her youth and beauty on an affair with a married man—or so Gary implies.

Enid, a lover of life’s pleasures, still looks forward to a final family Christmas and the upcoming Nordic Pleasurelines Luxury Fall Color Cruise with Alfred. However, his growing confusion and instability threaten these remaining joys. As Alfred’s condition worsens, the Lamberts must confront their family’s past failures, secrets, and long-buried wounds. Yet, in this journey of confrontation and reconciliation, the hope for a better future emerges.

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People Collide: A Novel

Read: October 2023

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People Collide: A Novel

by Isle McElroy

Today, I started reading “People Collide” by Isle McElroy. The book is about a gender-bending, body-switching story that explores the themes of marriage, identity, and sex. “People Collide” is a profound exploration of ambition, sacrifice, desire, and loss. The book sheds a refreshing light on themes of love, sexuality, and the truth of who we are.

The protagonist, Eli, lives with his wife, Elizabeth, in a cramped apartment in Bulgaria. One day, Eli wakes up to find that he has switched bodies with Elizabeth, who has disappeared without a trace. The story follows Eli’s journey across Europe and America to find his missing wife while he learns to exist in her body.

As Eli comes closer to finding Elizabeth, he begins to question the effect of their metamorphosis on their relationship. He wonders how long he can keep up the illusion of living as someone else. Will their marriage wither away entirely in each other’s bodies? Or will this transformation be the key to making their marriage thrive?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Clean: A Novel

Read: October 2024

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Clean: A Novel

by Alia Trabucco Zerán

Today, I delved into the unique narrative of ‘Clean: A Novel‘ by Alia Trabucco Zerán, translated by Sophie Hughes. This compelling novel, shortlisted for the Femina Etranger and Medicis Etranger Prizes, unfolds the story of a maid who has witnessed a lot and a family on the brink of collapse. The narrative is centered around a young girl’s death, with the family’s maid being the critical witness under interrogation, tasked with recounting the events leading up to the tragedy.

Estela’s journey from the countryside, leaving her mother behind, to work for the señor and señora when their only child was born is poignant. Their ad for a housemaid: ‘Smart appearance, full-time,’ was her ticket to earning enough to support her mother and return home. Estela cleaned their laundry, wiped their floors, and made their meals for seven years, but she also became privy to their secrets, witnessed their conflicts, and raised their daughter. She heard the rats in the ceiling, saw the looks the señor gave the señora, and knew about the poison in the cabinet, the gun, the daughter’s rebellion, the mother’s coldness, and the father’s distance. She experienced it all.

After a series of shocking betrayals and revelations, Estela’s silence becomes her shield, broken only now to reveal how it all unraveled. Is this a tale of vengeance or a confession? A clash of classes or a lesson in caution? With each page turn, ‘Clean: A Novel‘ builds tension, offering a gripping, incisive exploration of power, domesticity, and betrayal from an international star at the peak of her storytelling prowess.

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Three Summers

Read: February 2025

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Three Summers: A Novel

by Margarita Liberaki

Today, I began reading Margarita Liberaki‘s Three Summers, translated by Karen Van Dyck. This edition features a detailed introduction by Ms. Van Dyck, in which she shares her experiences meeting Ms. Liberaki and collaborating with her on the translation. The original novel, written in Greek, was titled The Straw Hats, but Ms. Van Dyck felt that this title would not resonate with foreign readers similarly.

Three Summers is the story of three sisters who grew up in the countryside near Athens before the outbreak of the Second World War. The sisters live in a large, old house surrounded by a beautiful garden. The oldest sister, Maria, is adventurous and eager to settle down and start her own family. The middle sister, Infanta, is gorgeous but emotionally distant. Katerina, the narrator, and the youngest sister is dreamy and rebellious.

Throughout three summers, the sisters share and keep secrets, fall in and out of love, and try to understand their parents and other adult figures. They also observe the peculiar behaviors of friends and neighbors while worrying about and discovering their identities. Karen Van Dyck’s translation beautifully captures the light and warmth of this modern Greek classic.

Margarita Liberaki (1919-2001) was born in Athens and raised by her grandparents, who owned the Fexis bookstore and publishing house. In addition to her novel Three Summers, she authored The Other Alexander (1950) and The Mystery (1976). She also wrote several plays, including Candaules’ Wife (1955) and The Danaïds (1956), part of a cycle she called Mythical Theater. Furthermore, she contributed screenplays, such as Jules Dassin’s Phaedra (1962) and Diaspora (1999), which focused on Greek intellectuals in exile in Paris during the junta. Her novel Three Summers is now a standard part of public education in Greece and Cyprus and was adapted into a television miniseries in 1995.

Karen Van Dyck is the Kimon A. Doukas Professor of Modern Greek Literature at Columbia University. Her research focuses on modern Greek literature, diaspora literature, gender studies, and translation. She has edited or co-edited several poetry anthologies, including A Century of Greek Poetry (2004), The Greek Poets: Homer to the Present (2010), and Austerity Measures: The New Greek Poetry (2017) for NYRB Poets. Additionally, her translations have appeared in Brooklyn Rail, Asymptote, and The Baffler.



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Ghostroots: Stories

Read: October 2024

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Ghostroots: Stories

by ’Pemi Aguda

Today, I started reading Ghostroots: Stories by ‘Pemi Aguda, a finalist for the 2024 National Book Award for Fiction. This collection features twelve imaginative stories set in Lagos, Nigeria, in which ‘Pemi Aguda explores the tension between our desire to be individuals and the influence of our past. One of the stories, “Breastmilk,” was shortlisted for the 2024 Caine Prize for African Writing.

The story “Manifest” depicts a woman who sees the ghost of her abusive mother in her daughter’s face, which leads to her daughter exhibiting destructive behavior. In “Breastmilk,” a wife forgives her husband for infidelity. Still, she later struggles with producing milk for her newborn, feeling like she’s failed to uphold her mother’s feminist values and doubts her ability as a mother. Things Boys Do” follows a trio of fathers who sense something unnatural about their infant sons, leading to their lives falling apart as they fear their sons are the cause of their troubles. Lastly, “24, Alhaji Williams Street” tells the story of a teenage boy living in the shadow of a mysterious disease that’s killing the boys on his street.

These stories in “Ghostroots” delve into the emotional and physical worlds, unveiling the profound impact of family, myth, tradition, gender, and modernity in Nigerian society. Pemi Aguda’s storytelling, infused with empathy and humor, showcases her as a significant new literary talent. Her deep understanding of human emotions and thorough exploration of these societal influences will leave you feeling enlightened and informed, eager to explore more of her work.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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