Love

Richard’s journey of love with Jan and now without her.

Beautiful the 
Carole King Musical

As we raced into the darkness below the Hudson, I held her hand and kissed her lightly on her lips. We had planned this weekend trip before knowing Jan had blood cancer, and that news was still the elephant in the room.

Two years ago today, we made this weekend excursion to New York. When we planned the trip, all we were concerned about was recovery from the first cataract surgery, and now we knew that the love of my life also had blood cancer.

My fears were minor compared to those she was bottling up inside her. We knew our journey of love was entering a new epoch, but neither of us knew what the future held for us. All we knew for sure was that our love would grow stronger despite our challenges.

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Blurry No More!

The Parkway was busy, but the traffic was moving. Jan was very quiet and barely responded to my requests to begin a conversation. My thumb lowered the volume on the radio almost to the point that we could scarcely hear NPR. We exited and stopped at the traffic light.  My head turned slightly toward her, and I said, “I love you! I know you are worried, but I am here now and forever for you!”

Jan responded with a weak and shaky voice. “I know, I know….”

We parked, and I came around the car and opened the door for her. I hugged her, and we walked toward the entrance. 

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Jan Has a Blood Cancer

The sliding doors opened and closed as if by magic. No one entered, and no one exited. Our bodies were in the penumbra of the beam for the door’s automatic opening apparatus. Jan and I stood like frozen figurines in front of the Carol G. Simon Cancer Center threshold, and I squeezed her hand and whispered how much I loved her. 

“I don’t have cancer,” she said. “Why am I here?”

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God Grant Me Serenity

When Jan and I purchased our first house, we became fixated on a large boulder in our small front yard. We tried to dig it up but found it went much further than our shovels would reach. We hired two neighbors to help us, but the result was the same. Our final effort was to hire a contractor. When they arrived, the first words were, this is impossible. Others had tried to remove and failed. The boulder was something we could not change. 

In one of my bereavement groups, someone quoted Victor Frankl from Man’s Search for Meaning,

When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

Victor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
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Victory City: A Novel

Read: February 2023

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Victory City: A Novel

by Salman Rushdie

Victory City: A Novel by Salman Rushdie is an epic tale of a woman who breathes a fantastical empire into existence, only to be consumed by it over the centuries from the transcendent imagination of Booker Prize-winning, internationally bestselling author Salman Rushdie. It is well written and was a page-turner from page one to the end. I highly recommend this novel and encourage everyone to read it.

Brilliantly styled as a translation of an ancient epic, this is a saga of love, adventure, and myth that is a testament to storytelling’s power. After witnessing her mother’s death, the grief-stricken Pampa Kampana becomes a vessel for the goddess Parvati, who begins to speak out of the girl’s mouth. I was hooked when Pampa Kampana provided the seeds that created Victory City out of thin air.

David Remnick’s interview with Salman Rushdie in The New Yorker provided background I would have missed.

“The first kings of Vijayanagara announced, quite seriously, that they were descended from the moon,” Rushdie said. “So when these kings, Harihara and Bukka, announce that they’re members of the lunar dynasty, they’re associating themselves with those great heroes. It’s like saying, ‘I’ve descended from the same family as Achilles.’ Or Agamemnon. And so I thought, Well, if you could say that, I can say anything.”

Above all, the book is buoyed by the character of Pampa Kampana, who, Rushdie says, “just showed up in my head” and gave him his story, his sense of direction. Rushdie’s pleasure in writing the novel was in “world building” and, at the same time, writing about a character building that world: “It’s me doing it, but it’s also her doing it.” The pleasure is infectious. “Victory City” is an immensely enjoyable novel. It is also an affirmation. At the end, with the great city in ruins, what is left is not the storyteller but her words:

I, Pampa Kampana, am the author of this book.
I have lived to see an empire rise and fall.
How are they remembered now, these kings, these queens?
They exist now only in words . . .
I myself am nothing now. All that remains is this city of words.
Words are the only victors.

The Goodreads summary provides a brief overview,

In the wake of an insignificant battle between two long-forgotten kingdoms in fourteenth-century southern India, a nine-year-old girl has a divine encounter that will change the course of history. After witnessing her mother’s death, the grief-stricken Pampa Kampana becomes a vessel for the goddess Parvati, who begins to speak out of the girl’s mouth. Granting her powers beyond Pampa Kampana’s comprehension, the goddess tells her that she will be instrumental in the rise of a great city called Bisnaga–literally victory city–the wonder of the world.

Over the next two hundred and fifty years, Pampa Kampana’s life becomes deeply interwoven with Bisnaga’s, from its literal sowing out of a bag of magic seeds to its tragic ruination in the most human of ways: the hubris of those in power. Whispering Bisnaga and its citizens into existence, Pampa Kampana attempts to make good on Parvati’s task: giving women equal agency in a patriarchal world. But all stories have a way of getting away from their creator, and Bisnaga is no exception. As years pass, rulers come and go, battles are won and lost, and allegiances shift, the very fabric of Bisnaga becomes an ever more complex tapestry–with Pampa Kampana at its center.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Funny Story

Read: November 2024

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Funny Story: A Novel

by Emily Henry

Today, I began reading Emily Henry‘s Funny Story, a delightful new novel about a pair of opposites connected by an unexpected bond. It was featured in The New York Times 100 Notable Books of 2024. The narrator, Daphne, finds herself single after being dumped following her fiancé’s bachelor party, and she ends up moving in with her ex-fiancé’s former boyfriend.

Daphne always enjoyed how her fiancé, Peter, told their love story: they met on a blustery day, fell in love over an errant hat, and moved back to his lakeside hometown to start their life together. He was great at telling their story—until he realized he was in love with his childhood best friend, Petra.

This is where Daphne begins her new chapter: stranded in beautiful Waning Bay, Michigan, without friends or family, but with a dream job as a children’s librarian (which barely pays the bills). She proposes to room with the only person who might understand her situation: Miles Nowak, Petra’s ex.

Miles is scruffy and chaotic, finding comfort in the sounds of heartbreak ballads. He is the opposite of practical, buttoned-up Daphne, whose coworkers know so little about her that they have a running bet whether she is in the FBI or witness protection. The two roommates initially avoid each other, but one day, while mourning their circumstances, they develop a fragile friendship and devise a plan. Their plan includes posting misleading photos of their summer adventures together—who could blame them for wanting to create a better story?

But it’s all just for show, of course, because there’s no way Daphne would start this new chapter by falling in love with her ex-fiancé’s new fiancée’s ex… right?



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The Night Swim

Read: January 2022

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The Night Swim

by Megan Goldin

The Night Swim by Megan Goldin is a book that I thought would be different from the last two books – Sarah’s Key and Send for Me – that I had read. Both of those were directly or indirectly about the Holocaust. I often selected this book from the e-library based on reviews and reading the sample section.

The Night Swim was a page-turner, but it also was about numerous social issues that Jan ad I had spent our lives working to resolve.

Among these are male violence and its impact directly and indirectly on women. Rachel Krall, a podcaster, spoke about how male violence had impacted her. Two of the other female characters were either a victim or the sister of a victim. Having spent my life trying not to exhibit male violence, I was reminded while reading his novel of how painful it can be and the impact of micro-aggressions.

I knew that the author had done her research when I realized that. Ms. Goldin set the story in Neapolis, a fictional town on the outer banks of North Carolina. Neapolis, which in Latin means “New Town,” is also the old Roman name for the biblical city of Sheechem, where the rape of Dinah took place.

I missed the role of the Nightingale as it appears more as a background piece and not a primary role. Of course, this is a subtle reference by the author to Greek mythology and the rape of Philomela by her sisters’ husband. Her assailant cut out her tongue to prevent her from speaking of the crime. She was turned into a nightingale to escape. That is why female nightingales cannot sing. The one in the novel never sings and is rescued by Rachel at the end of the book.

Rachel narrates two sections of the novel, first with her on-the-ground work at the trial and second with her podcasts.

Hannah’s narrative is initially only in letters and then emails.

This format helped move the story along and make the story unfold in unique ways.

The following is a summary from Goodreads.

After the first season of her true-crime podcast became an overnight sensation and set an innocent man free, Rachel Krall is now a household name―and the last hope for thousands of people seeking justice. But she’s used to being recognized for her voice, not her face. Which makes it all the more unsettling when she finds a note on her car windshield, addressed to her, begging for help.

The small town of Neapolis is being torn apart by a devastating rape trial. The town’s golden boy, a swimmer, destined for Olympic greatness, has been accused of raping a high school student, the beloved granddaughter of the police chief. Under pressure to make Season Three a success, Rachel throws herself into interviewing and investigating―but the mysterious letters keep showing up in unexpected places. Someone is following her, and she won’t stop until Rachel finds out what happened to her sister twenty-five years ago. Officially, Jenny Stills tragically drowned, but the letters insist she was murdered―and when Rachel starts asking questions, nobody seems to want to answer. The past and present start to collide as Rachel uncovers startling connections between the two cases that will change the course of the trial and the lives of everyone involved.

Electrifying and propulsive, The Night Swim asks: What is the price of a reputation? Can a small town ever right the wrongs of its past? And what happened to Jenny?

I highly recommend this novel and look forward to reading more of Ms. Goldin’s work.

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The Surgeon's Daughter

Read: July 2022

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The Surgeon’s Daughter

by Audrey Blake

I did something I had not done in decades. After finishing the Big Library Read of 2022, The Girl in His Shadow, by Audrey Blake, I immediately started reading the sequel, The Surgeon’s Daughter. The protagonist, Nora Beady, was such a strong female lead that I could not wait to find out what happened next. In the sequel, Nora Beady, the only female student at a prestigious medical school in Bologna, is a rarity. Nora’s tenacity and passion reminded me of Jan, the love of my life.

In the 19th century, women were supposed to remain at home and raise children, so her unconventional, indelicate ambitions to become a licensed surgeon offended the men around her.

Ms. Blake has a split personality— because she is the creative alter ego of writing duo Jaima Fixsen and Regina Sirois, two authors who met as finalists of a writing contest and have been writing together happily ever since.

The pen name – Audrey Blake – was in response to the publishers recommending a more straightforward author’s name. Regina’s daughter is named Audrey, and Jaima’s son is Blake.

The Surgeon’s Daughter is the forty-fourth book I have read this year and the ninety-ninth since the beginning of 2019. My Goodreads goal for 2022 was twenty-two books.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Under constant scrutiny, Nora’s successes are taken for granted; her mistakes used as proof that women aren’t suited to the field.

Everything changes when she allies herself with Magdalena Morenco, the sole female doctor on-staff. Together the two women develop new techniques to improve a groundbreaking surgery: the Cesarean section. It’s a highly dangerous procedure and the research is grueling, but even worse is the vitriolic response from men. Most don’t trust the findings of women, and many can choose to deny their wives medical care.

Already facing resistance on all sides, Nora is shaken when she meets a patient who will die without the surgery. If the procedure is successful, her work could change the world. But a failure could cost everything: precious lives, Nora’s career, and the role women will be allowed to play in medicine.


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The Catch

Read: June 2025

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The Catch: A Novel

by Yrsa Daley-Ward

In “The Catch,” her captivating debut novel, Yrsa Daley-Ward creates a vibrant multiverse that delves into the complexities of daughterhood and mother-want. She explores the sacrifices women often make in their pursuit of self-actualization. The result is a remarkable novel that boldly poses the question: “How can it ever be a crime to choose yourself?”

Twin sisters Clara and Dempsey have always struggled to connect, their familial bond severed after their mother vanished into the Thames. As infants, they were adopted by different families: Clara went to live with a successful, upper-class couple, while a distant and unaffectionate city councilor took in Dempsey. As adults, the sisters have settled into a comfortable estrangement until Clara spots a woman on the streets of London who looks exactly like their mother. The twist? This version of Serene appears ageless and has lived a childless life — the very life she might have had if the girls had never been born.

As with most things, Clara and Dempsey cannot agree on the strange appearance of this woman. Clara, a celebrity author with a penchant for excessive drinking and one-night stands, is eager to welcome the confident and temperamental Serene into her home. In contrast, reclusive Dempsey, who makes a modest living doing menial data entry work from her apartment, is suspicious of the entire situation, believing it to be a cunning scheme by a con woman.

As the sisters clash over this stranger who increasingly intrudes into their lives, they hurtle toward a confrontation that threatens their very existence, ultimately forcing them to face their shared past together.


Yrsa Daley-Ward is a poet, writer, and actress. She is the author of The How, bone, and The Terrible, for which she won the PEN Ackerley Prize. She lives in Los Angeles.



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The Faraway World

Read: January 2023

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The Faraway World: Stories

by Patricia Engel

The Faraway World: Stories by Patricia Engel was released six days ago. The Faraway World is an exquisite collection of ten haunting, award-winning short stories set across the Americas and linked by themes of migration, sacrifice, and moral compromise. I highly recommend this collection of short stories. All ten are ones I would read again. As Leigh Newman wrote in her review in the NYTimes, The Faraway World is “a collection about the Latin American diaspora.”

In addition, Leigh Newman described The Faraway World proves that Engel, like one of her characters, is capable of noticing “that between two people, a look reveals more than a fingerprint.” The first story in the collection, “Aida,” is about two twins, one of whom goes missing. Once I read this story, I could not stop until I had read all ten.

The stories are based in Cuba, Colombia, and the US. I know a few NJ settings that gave more meaning to these stories. I felt like I was in Cuba and Colombia, which I had never visited.

NPR interviewed Patricia Engel. She described how she wrote the stories.

They came to me at different points when I was thinking about other things. But of course, they are connected by this – the motivating force for change, desire, and the ever-changing conditions of identity and movements and changing geography and landscape and diaspora. Those are things that I explore in all my writing, and it’s something that I explore in my life. So, of course, it permeates my stories.


The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Two Colombian ex-pats meet as strangers on the rainy streets of New York City, both burdened with traumatic pasts. In Cuba, a woman discovers her deceased brother’s bones have been stolen, and the love of her life returns from Ecuador for a one-night visit. A cash-strapped couple hustles in Miami to life-altering ends.

The Faraway World is a collection of arresting stories from The New York Times bestselling author of Infinite Country, Patricia Engel, “a gifted storyteller whose writing shines even in the darkest corners” (The Washington Post). Intimate and panoramic, these stories bring to life the liminality of regret, the vibrancy of the community, and the epic deeds and quiet moments of love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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