Fog Bank Doldrums!
Have I Lost My Resilience?
Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 28 seconds
Like a weighted blanket, time can fold back upon itself and cloak me into a different space and time.
For several days, I had felt as if I were sleepwalking like two years ago when Jan was home for hospice.
During hospice, I showered Jan with love to the point that I felt depleted of energy and stamina.
When I kissed Jan on the final morning, I was unsure how or if I could continue to live.
A good friend called me in the afternoon and offered condolences. He said something I did not fully comprehend in my initial hours as a widow.
You are resilient, and that will help you on your journey. You will survive despite the pain you feel today.
One day at a time, I learned that resilience could and does help us to adapt. It became a secret power that allowed me to live fully despite having my body and soul shredded into a million pieces like the glass bottle we smashed on our wedding day.
Each day I gained strength and rebuilt my life by sharing Jan’s love.
Walking shrunk my waist and allowed my mind to wonder and think creatively.
Building on that foundation, I framed my new life with love and faith. The trusses of my gabled roof are my reading and my writing.
I will forever miss Jan, but with a new framework, I have regained a purpose by helping others.
As Jane Goodall wrote,
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.
For forty-eight hours, my life has reverted to one devoid of meaning.
Am I no longer reslient? Did I lose my mojo?
I do not know, but my body and soul feel weak and hopeless.
Despite the many miles I walk daily, my legs fill like water balloons, yet I cannot give up. Jan’s love spurs me to impact the world not by sleepwalking but by making a difference. Can I do this?
My doubts overflow like high tide in the Bay of Fundy.
Despite my anxiety, I still hear Jan whispering her words of wisdom,
Richard, you are capable and strong, and I believe in you.
Soon the fog bank will break, and Jan’s undying love will let me regain my focus and continue to impact the world positively.
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The day Jan died, I wasn't sure how long I would live.
I still do not know, but none of us knows how many days we will live.
A good friend called the morning after the love of my life died to offer his sympathy and support.
He said, "You are resilient, and that will help you on your journey. You will survive despite the pain you feel today."
At that moment, I was unconvinced of his opinion.
But over time, my resilience has rebounded.
