Jan Chooses Life Over Death

“We have a diagnosis,” said Dr. Saksena. “You have non-Hodgkin’s Large B Cell Lymphoma, and it is very aggressive but also very treatable.” My heart skipped a beat when I heard the message.

My arm was around Jan’s shoulder. I pulled her toward me and held her hands. I did not cry, but my voice was almost overwhelmed with tears as I told her I loved her and we would be OK. 

Dr. Saksena wanted to start chemotherapy on Thursday. Jan said she could not as she had to speak at a YWCA event. We agreed on the following Tuesday. Dr. Saksena gave her a prescription for steroids starting now instead of a few days before treatment. 

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Beautiful the 
Carole King Musical

As we raced into the darkness below the Hudson, I held her hand and kissed her lightly on her lips. We had planned this weekend trip before knowing Jan had blood cancer, and that news was still the elephant in the room.

Two years ago today, we made this weekend excursion to New York. When we planned the trip, all we were concerned about was recovery from the first cataract surgery, and now we knew that the love of my life also had blood cancer.

My fears were minor compared to those she was bottling up inside her. We knew our journey of love was entering a new epoch, but neither of us knew what the future held for us. All we knew for sure was that our love would grow stronger despite our challenges.

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Blurry No More!

The Parkway was busy, but the traffic was moving. Jan was very quiet and barely responded to my requests to begin a conversation. My thumb lowered the volume on the radio almost to the point that we could scarcely hear NPR. We exited and stopped at the traffic light.  My head turned slightly toward her, and I said, “I love you! I know you are worried, but I am here now and forever for you!”

Jan responded with a weak and shaky voice. “I know, I know….”

We parked, and I came around the car and opened the door for her. I hugged her, and we walked toward the entrance. 

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Jan Has a Blood Cancer

The sliding doors opened and closed as if by magic. No one entered, and no one exited. Our bodies were in the penumbra of the beam for the door’s automatic opening apparatus. Jan and I stood like frozen figurines in front of the Carol G. Simon Cancer Center threshold, and I squeezed her hand and whispered how much I loved her. 

I don’t have cancer,” she said. “Why am I here?”

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Jack: A Novel

Read: March 2022

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Jack: A Novel

by Marilynne Robinson

Jack: A Novel by Marilynne Robinson is the second book in this series I have read. Previously I read,  Home, and now I have read the fourth. Without Jan by my side, I read more but not always in order. Fortunately, Jack appears in Home at a later point than is covered in this novel. That provided an understanding of the next phase of Jack and Della’s relationship.

I very much enjoyed reading this novel. Although Jan and I fell in love without all of the complexities of this couple, there were enough similarities that reminded me of how special our love was and remains. For example, our long conversations, many of which were while we walked, are reminiscent of the novel.

I highly recommend this novel. One of the reviews suggested that the next volume should be about Della. I will read that book before the ink drys.

Goodreads provides an overview.

In this book, Robinson tells the story of John Ames Boughton, the prodigal son of Gilead’s Presbyterian minister, and his romance with Della Miles, a high school teacher who is also the child of a preacher. They’re deeply felt, tormented, star-crossed interracial romance resonates with all the paradoxes of American life, then and now.

Marilynne Robinson’s mythical world of Gilead, Iowa—the setting of her novels Gilead, Home, and Lila, and now Jack—and its beloved characters have illuminated and interrogated the complexities of American history, the power of our emotions, and the wonders of a sacred world.

Robinson’s Gilead novels, which have won one Pulitzer Prize and two National Book Critics Circle Awards, are vital to contemporary American literature and a revelation of our national character and humanity.

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The Outrun: A Memoir

Read: October 2022

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The Outrun: A Memoir

by Amy Liptrot

The Outrun: A Memoir by Amy Liptrot is about her return to Orkney after more than a decade; she visits the Outrun on the sheep farm where she grew up. Approaching the land that was once home, memories of her childhood merge with the recent events that have set her on this journey. My current grief journey is not like Amy Liptrot‘s, but I learned from her struggles as we all need the support of family and friends.

Amy’s long walks, detailed description of bird watching, and life on a small island were very moving. I might have moved from one apartment to the adjacent one, but I learned from Amy’s journey and feel more confident facing life’s uncertainties.

I highly recommend this memoir.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Amy was shaped by the cycle of the seasons, birth and death on the farm, and her father’s mental illness, which was as much a part of her childhood as the wild, carefree existence on Orkney. But as she grew up, she longed to leave this remote life. She moved to London and found herself in a hedonistic cycle. Unable to control her drinking, alcohol gradually took over. Now thirty, she finds herself washed up back home on Orkney, standing unstable at the cliff edge, trying to come to terms with what happened to her in London.

Spending early mornings swimming in the bracingly cold sea, the days tracking Orkney’s wildlife—puffins nesting on sea stacks, arctic terns swooping close enough to feel their wings—and nights searching the sky for the Merry Dancers, Amy slowly makes the journey toward recovery from addiction.

The Outrun is a beautiful, inspiring book about living on the edge, about the pull between island and city, and about the ability of the sea, the land, the wind, and the moon to restore life and renew hope.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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In Praise of Walking

Read: April 2023

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In Praise of Walking

by Shane O'Mara

I recently received a book from my family that combines two interests: walking and reading. The book, “In Praise of Walking” by Shane O’Mara, celebrates the joys, health benefits, and mechanics of walking. It emphasizes the importance of getting out of our chairs and discovering a happier, healthier, more creative self.

One of the most important insights I gained from this book is that walking can lead to mind wandering, focusing on autobiographical memory rather than the immediate environment. This realization helped me accept and appreciate Jan’s love and move forward with her passion.

The book also explores the significance of walking to our human identity. Walking upright has given us many advantages, including the freedom of our hands and minds. Walking has enabled us to spread worldwide and has many benefits for our bodies and minds, such as protecting and repairing organs, aiding digestion, and sharpening our thinking.

Overall, “In Praise of Walking” inspires us to start walking again and recognize its many benefits to our lives and societies.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Immortal Irishman

Read: October 2019

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The Immortal Irishman

by Timothy Egan

 

The Immortal Irishman: The Irish Revolutionary Who Became an American Hero by Timothy Egan is a book I started reading as The Worst Hard Timesincluded the first fifty pages.

I often only read a few pages and then return the book to the e-library. The Immortal Irishman was not the case, and I could not stop reading and borrowed the book immediately.

I had never heard of Thomas Francis Meagher or his life in Ireland or America. The story was fascinating, unique, and essential.

The Irish-American story, with all its twists and triumphs, is told through the improbable life of one man. A dashing young orator during the Great Famine of the 1840s, in which a million of his Irish countrymen died, Thomas Francis Meagher led a failed uprising against British rule, for which he was banished to a Tasmanian prison colony. He escaped and six months later was heralded in the streets of New York – the revolutionary hero, back from the dead, at the dawn of the great Irish immigration to America.

Meagher’s rebirth in America included his leading the newly formed Irish Brigade from New York in many of the fiercest battles of the Civil War – Bull Run, Antietam, Fredericksburg. Twice shot from his horse while leading charges, left for dead in the Virginia mud, Meagher’s dream was that Irish-American troops, seasoned by war, would return to Ireland and liberate their homeland from British rule.

The hero’s last chapter, as territorial governor of Montana, was a romantic quest for a true home in the far frontier. His death has long been a mystery to which Egan brings haunting, colorful new evidence.

I recommend this book.

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I'll Come to You: A Novel

Read: January 2025

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I’ll Come to You: A Novel

by Rebecca Kauffman

I began reading “I’ll Come to You: A Novel” by Rebecca Kauffman today. This sweeping and compact novel explores themes of intimacy, memory, loss, grief, and reconciliation. It delves into the wonder, terror, frustration, fear, and magic of confronting the unknowable in the world and within ourselves. The New York Times recommended it as one of six books to read this week.

I’ll Come to You is a modern and classic story of a family that follows intersecting lives throughout 1995, centered around the anticipation and arrival of a child. Through empathy, insight, and humor, Rebecca Kauffman delves into overlapping narratives: a couple struggling to conceive, which has both softened and hardened their relationship; a woman whose husband of forty years has left her without explaining why; and the man who is disastrously trying to win her affection. Additionally, there’s a couple in denial about an impending health crisis and their son, who is awkwardly navigating middle age while unable to stop lying.

Ultimately, these storylines build to a dramatic and harrowing climax. With heart, wit, and courage, the characters confront challenges that test and define their family bonds.



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The Secret Hours

Read: January 2024

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The Secret Hours

by Mick Herron

Today, I started reading “The Secret Hours” by Mick Herron, a gripping spy thriller about a disastrous MI5 mission in Cold War Berlin. This book is a must-read for fans of “Slow Horses.” “The Secret Hours” is a standalone spy thriller that is both unnerving and poignant yet also has laugh-out-loud moments. It is the breathtaking secret history that Slough House fans have been waiting for.

Two years ago, a hostile prime minister launched the Monochrome inquiry, which aimed to investigate “historical over-reaching” by the British Secret Service. Griselda Fleet and Malcolm Kyle, two civil servants seconded to the project, were given unfettered access to all confidential information in the Service archives to ferret any hint of misconduct by any MI5 officer.

However, MI5’s formidable First Desk did not become Britain’s top spy by accident, and she has successfully thwarted the inquiry at every turn. The administration that created Monochrome has been ousted, and the investigation is a total bust. Griselda and Malcolm are stuck watching as the pounding London rain washes away their career prospects.

On the eve of Monochrome’s shuttering, an MI5 case file appears without explanation. It is the buried history of a classified operation in 1994 Berlin, which ended in tragedy and scandal, whose cover-up has rewritten thirty years of Service history.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Regarding gifts made this month, I will match dollar for dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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