Time Confusion

Why is Time Confusing Me?

Estimated reading time: 0 minutes, 35 seconds

Today, twenty-five weeks after Jan died, my grief feels like the grief time has overwhelmed the time that Jan and I were together.

Our last kiss now seems as distant as the first one.

Katherine May in Wintering offers a clue:

We are in the habit of imagining our lives to be linear, a long march from birth to death in which we mass our powers, only to surrender them again, all the while slowly losing our youthful beauty. This is a brutal untruth. Life meanders through the woods.

Will I ever stop meandering? Will time ever make sense?

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Time Confusion
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The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store

Read: November 2023

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The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store

by James McBride

I started reading The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store: A Novel by James McBride today. It’s the seventy-first book I’ve read this year and the two hundredth since January 1, 2019. The novel’s narrative begins in 1972 when workers in Pottstown, Pennsylvania, were digging the foundations for a new development. They were surprised to find a skeleton at the bottom of the well. The identity of the skeleton and how it ended up there were long-held secrets that the residents of Chicken Hill kept.

Jewish immigrants and African Americans lived together in this run-down neighborhood and shared their aspirations and hardships. Moshe and Chona Ludlow resided in Chicken Hill when Moshe integrated his theatre, and Chona ran the Heaven & Earth Grocery Store. When the state officials searched for a deaf boy to institutionalize him, it was Chona and Nate Timblin, the Black janitor at Moshe’s theatre and the unofficial leader of the Black community on Chicken Hill, who collaborated to keep the boy safe.

As the stories of these characters intertwine and develop, it becomes evident how much the individuals living on the outskirts of white, Christian America struggle to survive and what they must do to make it through. As the truth is ultimately disclosed regarding the events that occurred on Chicken Hill, including the involvement of the town’s white establishment, McBride illustrates to us that, even in the darkest of times, love and community – the very essence of heaven and earth – help us endure.

Bringing his masterly storytelling skills and deep faith in humanity to The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store, James McBride has written a novel as compassionate as Deacon King Kong and as inventive as The Good Lord Bird.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Regarding gifts made this month, I will match dollar for dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President's Murder

Read: February 2023

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An Assassin in Utopia

by Susan Wels

An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President’s Murder by Susan Wels is a true crime odyssey that explores a forgotten, astonishing chapter of American history, leading the reader from a free-love community in upstate New York to the shocking assassination of President James Garfield. I had read about this historical period in several other books, most recently Civil War by Other Means.

Susan Wels has written an excellent historical overview of a period we often overlook. I highly recommend An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President’s Murder.

The Oneida Community, even though it was the most successful utopian community, is often overlooked. Ms. Wels connects the dots and places the experiment in the center of a transitional period. It is not merely the connection between Charles Julius Guitea and his assassination of President James Garfield, albeit a brutal crime, that shook America to its core, but all of the other linkages. These include “John Humphrey Noyes; his idol, the eccentric newspaper publisher Horace Greeley (founder of the New Yorker and the New York Tribune).”

She also resurrects the importance of the Wormely Compromise and the African-American family that was an instrumental part of public society.

I have found fiction to be something I enjoy, but I knew it was time for a non-fiction book to balance my reading. The New York Times and other publications highly rated An Assassin in Utopia.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

It was heaven on earth—and, some whispered, the devil’s garden.

Thousands came by trains and carriages to see this new Eden, carved from hundreds of acres of wild woodland. They marveled at orchards bursting with fruit, thick herds of Ayrshire cattle and Cotswold sheep, and whizzing mills. They gaped at the people who lived in this place—especially the women, with their queer cropped hair and shamelessly short skirts. The men and women of this strange outpost worked and slept together—without sin, they claimed.

From 1848 to 1881, a small utopian colony in upstate New York—the Oneida Community—was known for its shocking sexual practices, from open marriage and free love to the sexual training of young boys by older women. And in 1881, a one-time member of the Oneida Community—Charles Julius Guiteau—assassinated President James Garfield in a brutal crime that shook America to its core.

An Assassin in Utopia is the first book that weaves together these explosive stories in a tale of utopian experiments, political machinations, and murder. This deeply researched narrative—by bestselling author Susan Wels—tells the true, interlocking stories of the Oneida Community and its radical founder, John Humphrey Noyes; his idol, the eccentric newspaper publisher Horace Greeley (founder of the New Yorker and the New York Tribune); and the gloomy, indecisive President James Garfield—who was assassinated after his first six months in office.

Juxtaposed to their stories is the odd tale of Garfield’s assassin, the demented Charles Julius Guiteau, who was connected to all of them in extraordinary, surprising ways.

Against a vivid backdrop of ambition, hucksterism, epidemics, and spectacle, the book’s interwoven stories fuse together in the climactic murder of President Garfield in 1881—at the same time as the Oneida Community collapsed.

Colorful and compelling, An Assassin in Utopia is a page-turning odyssey through America’s nineteenth-century cultural and political landscape.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

Read: April 2023

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A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

by Jai Chakrabarti

I recently discovered an excellent short story collection called A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories by Jai Chakrabarti. This author won the National Jewish Book Award for debut fiction with his novel A Play for the End of the World, and it is clear that his talent extends to the short story form as well.

The stories in this collection follow men and women as they navigate transformations and familial bonds across countries and cultures. Each story is unique and captivating, but the one that struck me was the title story about a closeted gay man in 1980s Kolkata who seeks to have a child with his lover’s wife. Chakrabarti’s skill as a storyteller is on full display in this story and throughout the collection.

I highly recommend A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories if you want a book exploring love and family’s complexities in uncertain times. Each story is a masterful exploration of what it means to cultivate a family across borders, religions, and races. I look forward to reading more by Jai Chakrabarti in the future.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In the fourteen masterful stories of this collection, Jai Chakrabarti crosses continents and cultures to explore what it means to cultivate a family across borders, religions, and races today.

In the title story, a closeted gay man in 1980s Kolkata seeks to have a child with his lover’s wife. An Indian widow, engaged to a Jewish man, struggles to balance her cultural identity with the rituals and traditions of her newfound family. An American musician travels to see his guru for the final time—and makes a promise he cannot keep. A young woman from an Indian village arrives in Brooklyn to care for the toddler of a biracial couple. And a mystical agent is sent by a mother to solve her son’s domestic problems.

Throughout, the characters’ most vulnerable desires shape life-altering decisions as they seek to balance their needs against those of the people they hold closest.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Keepers of the House

Read: May 2021

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The Keepers of the House

by Shirley Ann Grau

The Keepers of the House by Shirley Ann Grau is a book that I read a portion of for a college class, but for reasons that I cannot now remember never got around to reading it from cover to cover. In the early stages of grief, I found a copy in our bookshelf and said, let me read it now. It was a decision that I did not regret.

Having grown up in the American South, the book resonated with me, as did the sections I read fifty years ago. It’s a many-layered indictment of racism and rage that is as terrifying as it is wise.

As someone who likes history and values the importance of place, the book’s focus on the continued ownership of the same land since the early 1800s by the Howland’s provided a broad historical perspective. Abigail Howland has learned many important family legacies, but not all.

However, when William’s, her grandfather, relationship with Margaret Carmichael, a black housekeeper, is revealed to the community, the racism and fury boil over. Abigail chooses to get even with the town her family built by punishing them.

The Keepers of the House is a book that I wish I had read in its entirety half a century ago. Having read it now, I recommend it to all who care about life and community.

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Dogs and Monsters: Stories

Read: October 2024

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Dogs and Monsters: Stories

by Mark Haddon

Today, I started reading Dogs and Monsters: Stories by Mark Haddon. The collection features eight captivating and imaginative stories that blend Greek myths with contemporary dystopian narratives. The stories explore themes of mortality, moral choices, and various forms of love, including romantic, familial, and self-love. Haddon’s clear-eyed vision is infused with deep empathy.

In addition, Haddon’s fluid prose showcases his remarkable powers of observation, both of the physical world and the inner workings of the human psyche. Greek myths have fascinated people for millennia with their timeless appeal and enduring lessons about fate, hubris, and life’s uncertainties. In Dogs and Monsters: Stories, Mark Haddon delves into the heart of these ancient fables and presents them in a fresh light. For instance, in one story, the dawn goddess Eos requests that Zeus grant her lover Tithonus eternal life but forgets to ask for eternal youth. In “The Quiet Limit of the World,” Haddon imagines Tithonus’s life as he ages over thousands of years, transforming this cautionary tale about tempting the gods into a spellbinding meditation on observing death from the outside. This tale ultimately explores how carnal love evolves into something more profound and poignant over time.

In “The Mother‘s Story,” Haddon reinterprets the myth of the Minotaur, born of the monstrous lust of King Minos’s wife, Pasiphaë. He turns it into a heartbreaking parable of a mother’s love for a damaged child and the more tangible monstrosities of patriarchy. In “D.O.G.Z.,” the story of Actaeon, who was transformed into a stag after glimpsing the naked goddess Diana and was subsequently torn apart by his hunting dogs, becomes a visceral metaphor for the continuum of human and animal behavior.

Other stories in Dogs and Monsters: Stories play with contemporary mythic tropes—such as genetic engineering, attempts to escape the future, and the cruelty of adolescent ostracism. These stories showcase how modern humans are subject to the same capriciousness that concerned the Greeks but in a fresh and intriguing light. Haddon‘s tales cover a wide range of themes, from the mythic to the domestic, from ancient Greece to the present day, and explore love alongside stories of cruelty. They take readers from battlefields to bed and breakfasts and from dogs in space to doors between worlds, all bound together by profound sympathy and an insight into how human beings think, feel, and act when pushed to their limits.

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You Are Here: A Novel

Read: May 2024

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You Are Here: A Novel

by David Nicholls

I began reading “You Are Here: A Novel” by David Nicholls today. The book, written by the internationally bestselling and Booker Prize-longlisted author of One Day, is an uplifting love story about second chances. It revolves around the idea I learned from grief: sometimes, one must get lost to find their way. The main character, Michael, struggles to cope with the aftermath of his wife’s departure.

He seeks comfort in solitary walks across the English countryside and becomes increasingly reclusive, trying to escape the emptiness of his home.

Meanwhile, Marnie is feeling stuck. She isolates herself in her London flat, avoiding old friends and reminders of her selfish ex-husband. She spends her time with books, battling the feeling that life is passing her by.

A mutual friend and some unpredictable weather bring Michael and Marnie together on a ten-day hike, which both are not thrilled about. However, they find exactly what they’ve been searching for during the journey.

As they stand at the threshold of a promising future, Michael and Marnie’s journey becomes a testament to the resilience of the human spirit.

By bestselling author David Nicholls, “You Are Here” is a hilarious, hopeful, and heartwarming love story. It is a bittersweet and hopeful tale of first encounters, second chances, and finding the way home.

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