Reading Breathe by Joyce Carol Oates was a book I knew I needed to read once Jan was diagnosed. Despite the possibility that the book would trigger negative memories, I finally read Breathe. It was what I needed to read at this point in my journey. Ms. Oates wrote the book in 2019 after her husband, Charlie Gross, died. The novel is a story of love, loss, and loneliness. These are topics that I write about on this blog.
Breathing to Stay Alive
Estimated reading time: 1 minute, 38 seconds
Fortunately, the autonomic nervous system, which controls breathing, continued to work after Jan died.
However, I was never sure it would without reminding my lungs to breathe oxygen into my body.
In the initial weeks without Jan, my life was squeezed by the grief vise, and reminding myself to breathe was crucial if I continued to live.
Every day was a struggle. As Michaela, the protagonist of Breathe by Joyce Carol Oates, says,
In the grip of the grief-vise: all that you will do, all that you even imagine doing, will require many more effort… Hardly daring to breathe for the grief-vise will tighten around your chest, squeezing the very air out of your lungs.
Now I let the autonomic nervous system control my breathing, despite the grief of a husband mourning the love of his life.
Day by day, I grow stronger and regain my self-confidence.
- I write daily about Jan, my love for her, my grief, my faith, and my life.
- I take morning walks and evening strolls.
- I read more than ever.
- I help other widows, volunteer, and serve on a few boards.
These self-help steps have begun if only vaguely, to outline who I might become.
Who I will be without Jan is still a work in progress, but now I can take a deep breath and exhale the demons in my soul. At a minimum, I am no longer the empty shell I was when Jan died.
Knowing that Jan is still with me and always will be, confirms that our love will never die.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
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