Flowers Everywhere
Estimated reading time: 14 minutes, 17 seconds
Jan Arrives Home for the Last Time
After exiting the car, I messaged my sons to say I would wait downstairs because Jan was arriving soon. The night before, I had done something I had never done before: I opened Jan’s iPhone, which allowed me to track her location on mine. I knew about the feature but had never activated it before. In the winter of 2019, Jan was caught in a snowstorm while driving home, and we communicated block by block via calls and texts. I had suggested using the “Find My Friend“ feature, but we both decided against it.
Although some couples might find it beneficial to track their partners, we had no such reasons. My father once told me that cheaters might believe they are benefiting from their affair, but in reality, they are cheating themselves of the full measure of love. I shared this message with Jan, and we both chose to be faithful to each other to experience the power of love fully.
Standing outside 29 Alden Street, I checked the app on my iPhone to see where Jan was. It showed that she was still at Overlook Hospital. I called her, assuming I would have to leave a message, but Jan answered. She informed me that she was finally leaving the hospital and that they were moving her out at that moment. I wanted to tell her I loved her, but she had to end the call as they started moving her.
I updated my sons and watched as the transport vehicle slowly approached us. However, it was taking a route that I would never have taken. Mike joined me, and we acknowledged that we couldn’t change their actions. I tried to hold back my tears, but they were frozen inside my body, making my emotions invisible to anyone who saw me.
I showed Mike the app, indicating that Jan had arrived, but we couldn’t see the vehicle. I realized the GPS would send drivers to the parking lot behind the building, not to the entrance on Alden. I quickly ran down the alleyway and saw the transport vehicle. I informed Mike, and as I reached the van, they were taking Jan out on a stretcher. I walked alongside the stretcher, holding her hand. I was like a teenager in love, repeating “I love you” like a broken record.
When we reached the front entrance, Mike opened both doors to provide easy access to the elevator. He and I then raced up the third floor to meet Jan, holding the hallway and apartment door open. The transport team lifted Jan from the stretcher to the bed, and I could hear her expressing her pain as they moved her. I gave her a light kiss and held her hand. “Do you like the flowers?” Jon asked. Jan nodded and quietly expressed her happiness surrounded by a garden of flowers in her home. Mike brought her a glass of ice chips, which we had to break up with a mallet. Jan took some chips, and her voice became a little stronger. The flowers are beautiful, but you didn’t water the plants.” I immediately filled the pitcher and watered the plants.
All I Ever Needed Was Jan’s Love
For over three weeks, I dedicated myself to tending to my plants with utmost care and attention. I was so passionate about their well-being that I ended up overwatering them, which unfortunately led to their untimely demise. However, after moving to my new apartment in unit 3B a year later, I decided to give it another shot and replace it. Despite lacking the natural green thumb of my wife Jan, who seems to have a magical touch when it comes to nurturing plants, I have been able to care for them with diligence and dedication. As a result, my plants have flourished and are now blooming beautifully. Seeing the colorful flowers all around me brings me immense joy, especially since I live alone, and they remind me of life’s beauty and vibrancy.
On the anniversary of Jan’s final journey back home, I am deeply grateful for all the love and guidance she gave me during her time here. I feel truly blessed to have had such an incredible person in my life who played a significant role in shaping the person I am today.
Even though she is no longer with me, her final words inspire and motivate me. Jan urged me to live life to the fullest and to keep loving, even in adversity. These words have enabled me to become the best version of myself, and I am proud of the person I have become.
I am also grateful to my friend Danny and others for recognizing my positive changes. He mentioned that I had improved because of Jan’s influence and that I am a new, better person. His words have touched my heart, and I feel fortunate to have such a supportive friend.
From the day she was diagnosed with Lymphoma, I had always wished that I possessed the power to cure Jan’s cancer. Unfortunately, the harsh reality is that I am just an ordinary person, just as vulnerable to the inevitability of mortality as anyone else. Despite my heartfelt wishes and desires, I have had to come to terms with the fact that Jan is no longer with me in a physical sense. According to the Find Me app, she is no longer in my vicinity. However, the memories of her unwavering love and support continue to sustain me and provide me with immeasurable comfort and strength during these trying times. It is her memories that help me to remain grounded and hopeful, even as I continue to struggHow Did I Grieve?le with the loss of my loved one.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
