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Learning From Grief

Estimated reading time: 16 minutes, 33 seconds
Visiting Jan During COVID

Visiting Jan During COVID

Caregiver or Griever

As I reflect on my journey of caregiving and grieving, I wonder when precisely one transitions from the role of a caregiver to a griever. Does it happen when hospice care begins or after the funeral services are over? Although I am not an expert, I understand this question has no clear-cut answer. For me, the turning point came three years ago when we informed my wife, Jan, that she had only a few weeks left to live and would need hospice care. From that moment on, I found myself looking at my wedding ring and twisting it around my finger, imagining what life would be like without her.

Welcome by Richard W. Brown
Photo courtesy of Neeru and Asish Patel.

As an ordinary person, I have been struggling with a deep sense of loss for three years. It has left me feeling angry, sorrowful, and grieving. Initially, I was not interested in learning anything from my grief journey. However, I turned to the teachings of the Torah for solace. I have used my ears to listen, arms to embrace, and feet to walk into the future. One day at a time, I have opened myself up to the lessons my grief offers.

When I lost my wife, I decided to face the intense emotions that followed. Instead of getting lost in the overwhelming waves of grief, I chose to embrace them and listen carefully to what they had to say. Though it was a challenging experience, I found the courage to move forward and learn more about myself and the world around me. As a result, I gained a greater appreciation for my resilience and growth potential as I navigated the world alone.

Every day was a struggle, and I found myself constantly dwelling on the days leading up to her passing. However, as time passed, I began to shift my focus away from the pain and towards the positive aspects of our relationship. She is no longer with me, but Jan’s love has transformed my life. She helped me become a better person, and her memory continues to inspire me today. Before she passed, Jan left me with some invaluable advice – to embrace life, to not be consumed by grief, and to find love again. Those words have stayed with me, and I have found solace in knowing that Jan would want me to continue living my life to the fullest.

We typically rely on GPS to guide us and track our progress when embarking on a journey. However, there are no guide markers for those who are grieving. It can be challenging to know how to navigate the complex emotions and uncertainties that come with loss. Recently, I shared my Three Birthday Blessings with Danny, a dear friend who has unwavering support throughout my journey as a widow.

In response, he took the time to provide me with a thoughtful and comprehensive overview of my experiences thus far, helping me to gain a deeper understanding of my personal growth and progress and offering valuable insights for the road ahead.

You are an incredible person! You are a new person! A better person! Although not here physically, Jan has done so much for you!”

Danny

I am grappling with whether I have undergone a significant transformation and become a new person. Despite my doubts, I have been surprised by the number of friends who have reached out to me to say that I am a source of inspiration to them. These comments have been both humbling and gratifying, as I consider myself an ordinary person who is simply doing his best to deal with the profound grief that has come my way.

Despite my challenges, I remain committed to moving forward and taking each day. I believe that no matter what life throws our way, we can shape our destiny and create a meaningful and fulfilling life.

As I contemplate my journey, I am amazed by the potential that my experiences possess to assist others who might be struggling with loss and grief. By sharing my story and the lessons I have learned, I aspire to extend hope and support to those on the path to recovery. May my experiences serve as a ray of hope to others, illuminating their way through the darkest times.

If you liked this post, you should read Help Me Help, Jan, written a year ago, or A Day of Fear and Hope.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Parish Chronicle

Read: February 2026

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A Parish Chronicle

by Halldór Laxness

In “A Parish Chronicle,” celebrated novelist Halldór Laxness weaves an essayistic tale about the unlikely miracles that keep a church—destined to disappear time and again—rooted on the same hillside. Laxness explores the minutiae of history, from the location of the ancient burial mound of national hero Egill Skallagrímsson to the end of the 19th century, where weak-sighted Ólafur and boisterous farmhand Gunna each play unexpected roles in the parish’s enduring survival.

1882. In the still of morning, Ólafur sharpens his scythe on the bone-dry pavestones that separate his farmhouse from the rest of Mosfell Valley, where life revolves around sheep. The sound of his hammer rings out like a high-pitched bell over the tussocky fields. Across the valley, perched on a hill that receives more sunshine than others, stands Mosfell Church. Nearby, the parish priest’s maid Gunna pours her “slosh,” a weak cup of coffee. Further afield in Reykjavík (“down south” as the locals say), the general assembly decides to revisit an old plan to cut costs by consolidating small parishes and calls for the demolition of Mosfell. Yet today a church stands on that same hillside—its sharp steeple silhouetted against the clouds, its crown bell hanging to the left of the altar.

This intimate tribute to life in Laxness‘s home valley also offers a thoughtful commentary on how the peculiarities of certain individuals can shape history. “A Parish Chronicle” is rich with life and detail.

Halldór Laxness (1902-1998) is the undisputed master of modern Icelandic fiction. He was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1955, “for his vivid epic power which has renewed the great narrative art of Iceland.” His body of work includes novels, essays, poems, plays, stories, and memoirs: more than sixty books in all. His works available in English include Independent People, The Fish Can Sing, World Light, Under the Glacier, Iceland’s Bell, and Paradise Reclaimed.

Philip Roughton has translated the work of Halldór Laxness, Jón Kalman Stefánsson, Kristín Marja Baldursdóttir, and many others. He has twice been awarded the American-Scandinavian Foundation Translation Prize for his renderings of Halldór Laxness‘s work, in 2001 for Iceland’s Bell and in 2015 for Wayward Heroes. He also received the 2016 Oxford-Weidenfeld Prize for his translation of Jón Kalman Stefánsson’s The Heart of Man. He lives in Iceland. Translator Residence: Akureyri, Iceland

Salvatore Scibona is the recipient of a Mildred and Harold Strauss Living Award from the American Academy of Arts and Letters. His first novel, The End, was a finalist for the National Book Award and winner of the Young Lions Fiction Award. His second novel, The Volunteer, was called a “masterpiece” by the New York Times and won the Ohioana Book Award. His books have been translated into ten languages. His work has won a Guggenheim Fellowship, a Pushcart Prize, an O. Henry Award, and a Whiting Award, and the New Yorker named him one of its “20 Under 40” fiction writers. He is the Sue Ann and John Weinberg Director of the Cullman Center for Scholars and Writers at the New York Public Library.

Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!

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The Things We Never Say

Read: July 2026

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The Things We Never Say

by Elizabeth Strout

Elizabeth Strout, as we have come to expect, delivers a moving exploration of the human condition—one that brims with compassion for every one of her indelible characters. With exquisite prose and profound insight, The Things We Never Say takes one man’s fears and loneliness and makes them universal. And in the same breath, it captures the abiding love that sustains and holds us all.

Artie Dam is living a double life. He spends his days teaching history to eleventh graders, expanding their young minds, correcting their casual cruelties, and lending a kind word to those who need it most. He goes to holiday parties with his wife of three decades, makes small talk with neighbors, and, on weekends, takes his sailboat out on the beautiful Massachusetts Bay. He is, by all appearances, present and alive. But inside, Artie is plagued by feelings of isolation. He looks out at a world gone mad—at himself and the people around him—and turns a question over and over in his mind: How is it that we know so little about one another, even those closest to us?

And then, one day, Artie learns that life has been keeping a secret from him, one that threatens to upend his entire world. Once he learns it, he is forced to chart a new course, to reconsider the relationships he holds most dear—and to make peace with the mysteries at the heart of our existence.

Elizabeth Strout is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Tell Me Everything; Lucy by the Sea; Oh William!, which was shortlisted for the Booker Prize; Olive, Again; Anything Is Possible, winner of the Story Priz My Name Is Lucy Barton; The Burgess Boys; Olive Kitteridge, winner of the Pulitzer Prize; Abide with Me; and Amy and Isabelle, winner of the Los Angeles Times Art Seidenbaum Award for First Fiction and the Chicago Tribune Heartland Prize. She has also been a finalist for the PEN/Faulkner Award and the Orange Prize in London.

Discover your next favorite book and explore curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. Your support truly helps me share more meaningful stories and insights with you, enriching your reading journey.

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Aftermirth

Read: August 2022

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Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan

by Hillary Jordan

Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan is a book about grief as the two protagonists take a road trip that is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their suffering and others, and then beyond it, to a place of peace and laughter. I had just finished reading When She Woke by Ms. Jordan and having enjoyed that book, reading a second one by the same author seemed reasonable.

When I selected this short novel to read, I questioned if it was a good choice for me.

I found it easier to read and, in some ways, helpful. It was like meeting fellow widows from my Zoom grief groups in person at Camp Widow. The ability to laugh about our loss and cry openly is essential to meeting fellow benefits.

Michael Larssen, the narrator, raised a question I have not and still do not want to consider. What if I am still alive, Jan was a great love but is not the love of my life?

“You can’t know that he was the love of your life, and do you know why? Because guess what, you aren’t dead yet. You may feel dead right now, and believe me I’ve been there, but the fact is, until you’re lying under a tombstone of your own you can’t be sure about anything. You could prick your finger on one of your roses tomorrow, and as you’re climbing the stairs to get a Band-Aid, you trip over one of the pugs and tumble to your death. Or you could meet a man in the checkout line at the grocery store–hell, you could meet a woman even and fall madly in love with her and end up with six kids and twenty grandkids. Michael looks over at Elena, then back at George. You just don’t know, George. That’s the thing. None of us does.”— Aftermirth (Kindle Single) by Hillary Jordan

Despite my anxiety about considering this disturbing question, I highly recommend Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

I stopped being funny the day my wife was electrocuted by her underwire bra.” So begins “Aftermirth,” a dark comedy that explores the absurdity of death through the eyes of thirty-one-year-old comedian, writer, and actor Michael Larssen. What is funny to the rest of the world is devastating to Michael, who loves his wife deeply, exceptionally her bright, rippling, abandoned laughter, which captivated him from the first time he heard it. In the aftermath of her death, he loses his sense of humor and his career.

Then, after two years of mourning her, he sees an article in the paper about a factory worker named Julio Santiago who fell into a giant vat of dough and was kneaded to death. For reasons Michael doesn’t understand, he decides to go to the man’s wake. There he meets and bonds with Julio’s twenty-nine-year-old daughter Elena, a law student who is reeling from her father’s unexpected and preposterous death.

Three months later, she calls him out of the blue and suggests that the two of them drive to North Carolina to speak with another survivor like themselves Elena has found on the Internet. Their road trip is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their grief and others and then beyond it to a place of peace and laughter.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Death Takes Me

Read: December 2025

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Death Takes Me: A Novel

by Cristina Rivera Garza

Originally written in Spanish by Cristina Rivera Garza, Death Takes Me is a thrilling masterpiece of literary fiction that turns the traditional crime narrative of gendered violence on its head. As sharp as the cuts on the bodies of the victims, the story unfolds with the dreamlike logic of a surreal experience, transitioning from the police station to a professor’s classroom and through the intricate worlds of Latin American poetry and art. It invites readers to explore the unstable terrains of desire and sexuality.

A city is always a cemetery.

In the narrative, a professor named Cristina Rivera Garza stumbles upon the corpse of a mutilated man in a dark alley and promptly reports it to the police. When shown a crime scene photo, she discovers a stark warning written in tiny print with coral nail polish on the brick wall beside the body: “Beware of me, my love / beware of the silent woman in the desert.”

The professor becomes the primary informant in the case, which is led by a detective who is newly obsessed with poetry and haunted by a list of past failures. But what has the professor truly witnessed? As more bodies of castrated men alongside lines of verse, the detective attempts to decipher the meaning of the poems in hopes of stopping the spreading violence throughout the city.

Cristina Rivera Garza is an acclaimed author known for works such as The Taiga Syndrome and The Iliac Crest. Her memoir, Liliana’s Invincible Summer, won the Pulitzer Prize and was a finalist for the National Book Award. She has received the MacArthur Fellowship and the Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz Prize. Currently, Rivera Garza holds the Hugh Roy and Lillie Cranz Cullen Distinguished Chair and serves as director of the PhD program in Creative Writing in Spanish at the University of Houston.

Sarah Booker is a teacher and a literary translator. Her translations include novels by Mónica Ojeda, Cristina Rivera Garza, and Gabriela Ponce. She is also an associate editor at Southwest Review.

Robin Myers is a poet and translator. Her translations encompass Andrés Neuman’s Bariloche, Claudia Peña Claros’s The Trees, Isabel Zapata’s In Vitro, Eliana Hernández-Pachón’s The Brush, and Cristina Rivera Garza’s The Restless Dead: Necrowriting and Disappropriation.

Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!

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Everything My Mother Taught Me

Read: December 2022

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Everything My Mother Taught Me

by Alice Hoffman

I read Everything My Mother Taught Me by Alice Hoffman on the last day of 2022 as I was alone, and I have always admired Ms. Hoffman’s prose. The short story is a haunting short story of loyalty and betrayal, a young woman in early 1900s Massachusetts discovers that in navigating her treacherous coming-of-age, she must find her voice first. I know it is a book that Jan would have enjoyed reading, and I highly recommend it.

Alice Hoffman’s Everything My Mother Taught Me is part of Inheritance’s five stories about secrets, unspoken desires, and dangerous revelations between loved ones. Each piece can be read or listened to in a single setting. By yourself, behind closed doors, or shared with someone you trust. I plan to read more of this series in 2023.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

New York Times bestselling author of The Rules of Magic Alice Hoffman crafts a beautiful, heart-wrenching short story. For fatefully observant, Adeline, growing up, carries an ominous warning from her adulterous mother: don’t say a word. Adeline vows never to speak again. Her only secret. After her mother takes a housekeeping job at a  But that’s not lighthouse off the tip of Cape Ann, a local woman vanishes. The key to the mystery lies with Adeline, the silent witness.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Monkey Grip: A Novel

Read: February 2024

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Monkey Grip: A Novel

by Helen Garner

Today, I began reading Monkey Grip: A Novel by Helen Garner. It’s a book that launched the career of one of Australia’s most celebrated writers. The story follows the infatuations of a young, single mother fascinated by the excesses of Melbourne’s late-70s counterculture. Monkey Grip is a seminal novel about Australia’s turbulent 1970s, including communal households, music, friendships, children, love, drugs, and sex.

Helen Garner is a renowned novelist, short-story writer, and journalist. She’s best known for her frank, unsparing, and intricate portrayals of Australian life, often drawn from the pages of her journals and diaries. A new US edition of her debut novel, which establishes Garner’s masterful and quietly radical literary voice, is now available.

The novel is set in Australia during the late 1970s and tells the story of Nora, a single mother and writer. Nora navigates Melbourne’s bohemian underground with her young daughter, Gracie, in tow. Nora falls in love with Javo, a flighty man trapped in his addiction. As their relationship disintegrates, Nora struggles to wean off a love that feels impossible to live without.

When Monkey Grip was first published in 1977, it caused a sensation. Critics praised Garner for her craft, but many criticized her gritty depictions of the human body, frankness about sex and drugs, the mess of motherhood, and her unabashed use of her own life as inspiration. Today, such criticism feels old-fashioned and glaringly gendered, and Monkey Grip is considered a modern masterpiece.

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