Rabbi Rick Jacobs of the Union of Reform Judaism

May the Shofar’s Sound Awaken Me!

Finding Meaning and Purpose in the High Holidays

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 11 seconds
Rabbi Rick Jacobs of the Union of Reform Judaism

Rabbi Rick Jacobs of the Union of Reform Judaism

Being a widow for almost twenty-nine months, I have learned to live alone despite the isolation, not by choice but due to the reality of widowhood. I have survived by seeking meaning and purpose in life; as Viktor Frankl wrote, “Man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather recognize that it is he who is asked. Each man is questioned by life, and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life and being responsible.”

As I approach the third High Holidays without my wife, I prepare to hear the shofar and find renewed purpose to lead a meaningful life. In his inspiring message for 5784, Rabbi Rick Jacobs of the Union of Reform Judaism reminds us that the shofar’s sound can awaken us from our slumber and energize us to take on the moral imperatives of the world.

What moral imperatives have I become engaged in within the last year that I can do more in 5784?

  • I joined Bridges’ Board of Trustees, an organization committed to ending homelessness by demanding change. It is a crucial challenge of our time to end homelessness in Essex and Union counties in NJ. The moral crisis of homelessness demands our attention and action, and Bridges is leading the way toward a brighter future for everyone.
  • As my second moral imperative, I am committed to ending the environmental crisis that threatens life as we know it on our only planet. Our responsibility, irrespective of our beliefs, is to ensure a healthier world for future generations. We must always remember that no alternative planet is available, so we must work collectively to protect our world.

I have other priorities, such as Hanson Park, the Jan Lilien Education Fund, and various charities I support.

As we heed the shofar’s call, let us awaken to our shared responsibility to repair the world. Let’s work together to ensure this new year brings us the strength and courage to take action toward a better future. Shana Tova!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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What is My Next Chapter?

Change is a difficult concept for many people to accept. We often prefer things the way they are. However, life inevitably changes, and holding onto the past can impede our progress. After my wife passed away, I found myself clinging to the past. Although it helped me initially, in the long run, it hindered my growth.

Embracing the present and welcoming new changes can be challenging, especially when it means letting go of the past. However, I have learned that holding on to what was will only hinder my growth. Heraclitus once said that we are never the same person twice, and I find comfort in this truth. My wife's memory lives on, and I am inspired to live each day to the fullest, just as she taught me. I am excited about the endless possibilities and take comfort in knowing that every moment is an opportunity to grow.

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Bridges’ Streets to Homes 5K Run/Walk

Finding Meaning and Purpose in the High Holidays

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 11 seconds

Bridges’ Streets to Homes 5K Run/Walk

I'm thrilled to participate in Bridges' Streets to Homes 5K Run/Walk 2023 event on September 30th, and I would appreciate your support in helping me reach my fundraising goal. Please donate to help me achieve my goal! I will match dollar for dollar all donations!

Mans Search for Meaning

Finding Meaning and Purpose in the High Holidays

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 11 seconds
Man's Search for Meaning

Man's Search for Meaning

I remember reading portions of Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl at different times, but I never finished the book. However, recently, eight and a half months after the passing of Jan, the book came up for discussion in one of my groups. Frankl's theory of logotherapy, which derives from the Greek word for "meaning," centers around the idea that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud believed, but rather the search for what gives life meaning. I now have a framework for my life without Jan.

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Rabbi Rick Jacobs of the Union of Reform Judaism
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Man's Search for Meaning

Read: January 2022

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Man’s Search for Meaning

by Viktor E. Frankl

I recall reading portions of Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl at various times, but I never completed the book. However, recently, eight and a half months after Jan’s passing, my wife and I were discussing in one of my groups. Frankl’s theory of logotherapy, which derives from the Greek word for “meaning,” centers around the idea that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud believed, but rather the search for what gives life meaning. I now have a framework for my life without Jan.

For those like me who are widows, Frankl understands suffering,

In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.

Jan and I lived meaningful lives. My challenge now is to continue to find meaning in my life without Jan.

As Frankl writes,

Those who have a ‘why’ to live can bear with almost any ‘how.

The love Jan and I shared was one of my primary sources of meaning. In addition, I stopped working full-time at the end of 2018 and struggled to replace the purpose I had gained from repairing the world. After Jan died, I suffered the “provisional existence of an unknown limit, ” which Frankl experienced when he was in the concentration camps.

I have replaced the loss of meaning and purpose with a series of activities:

  1. Planning to celebrate Jan Day on her birthday this year.
  2. Writing my random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered;
  3. Reading more than ever, including my Goodreads 2022 Reading Challenge; and
  4. Walking more than I probably should.

I am also beginning to serve on the board of a few non-profits. It is time to transition from hands-on work to providing leadership in a different way.

Will this be enough to give my life meaning?

Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life, and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life, he can only respond by being responsible.

I must continue to focus on my search for meaning, as life will inevitably change over time.

My grief journey has taught me that love never dies,

For the first time in my life, I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry, thought, and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.

My path forward is to keep Jan’s love alive and continue to share it with others.

I recommend this book without reservation.



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Thrust: A Novel

Read: August 2022

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Thrust: A Novel

by Lidia Yuknavitch

Thrust: A Novel by Lidia Yuknavitch is a book I recommend without reservations. The protagonist of Thrust is Laisve, a motherless girl from the late 21st century who is learning her power as a carrier, a person who can harness the power of meaningful objects to carry her through time. The book begins with the construction of the Statue of Liberty, and Laisve, with the gifts of a carrier, travels through water and time to rescue vulnerable figures from the margins of history.

The novel also focuses on rising waters and an encroaching police state endangering Laisve’s life and family. As a reader who likes historical fiction and time travel, Thrust: A Novel by Lidia Yuknavitch proved to be a page-turner.

The full GoodReads summary provides an overview of this book published on June 28, 2022,

Lidia Yuknavitch has an unmatched gift for capturing stories of people on the margins–vulnerable humans leading lives of challenge and transcendence. Now, Yuknavitch offers an imaginative masterpiece: the story of Laisve, a motherless girl from the late 21st century who is learning her power as a carrier, a person who can harness the power of meaningful objects to carry her through time.

Sifting through the detritus of a fallen city known as the Brook, she discovers a talisman that will mysteriously connect her with a series of characters from the past two centuries: a French sculptor, a woman of the American underworld, a dictator’s daughter, an accused murderer; and a squad of laborers at work on a national monument. Through intricately braided storylines, Laisve must dodge enforcement raids, find her way to the present day, and finally, to the early days of her poor country, to forge a connection that might save their lives–and their shared dream of freedom.

Thrust will leave no reader unchanged, a dazzling novel of body, spirit, and survival.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month are matched dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Slip

Read: December 2025

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The Slip: A Novel

by Lucas Schaefer

The Slip” is the debut novel by Lucas Schaefer, telling a compelling American story about a missing teenage boy, themes of fluid and mistaken identity, and the transformative power of boxing. Navigating the ever-changing landscape of a shifting country, “The Slip” offers an audacious and daring exploration of sex and race in America. The narrative builds to an unforgettable climax in the center of the ring.

This novel is the winner of the Kirkus Prize for 2025  and one of The New York Times Book Review’s 100 Notable Books of 2025, as well as one of The Washington Post’s 10 Best Books of 2025.

Austin, Texas: It’s the summer of 1998, and there’s a new face on the scene at Terry Tucker’s Boxing Gym. Sixteen-year-old Nathaniel Rothstein has never felt comfortable in his own skin, but under the tutelage of a swaggering, Haitian-born ex-fighter named David Dalice, he begins to come into his own. Even the boy’s slightly stoned uncle, Bob Alexander, who is supposed to be watching him for the summer, notices the change. Nathaniel is happier, more confident, and even tanner. Then one night, he vanishes, leaving little trace behind.

Across the city, Charles Rex, now going simply by “X,” has been undergoing a teenage transformation of his own, trolling the phone sex hotline that his mother works, seeking an outlet for everything that feels wrong about his body, looking for intimacy and acceptance in a culture that denies him both. As a surprising and unlikely romance blooms, X feels, for a moment, like he might have found the safety he’s been searching for. But it’s never that simple.

More than a decade later, Nathaniel’s uncle Bob receives a shocking tip, propelling him to open his own investigation into his nephew’s disappearance. The resulting search involves gymgoers past and present, including a down-on-his-luck twin and his opportunistic brother; a rookie cop determined to prove herself; and Alexis Cepeda, a promising lightweight who crossed the US-Mexico border when he was only fourteen, carrying a license bearing the wrong name and face.


Lucas Schaefer lives with his family in Austin. The Slip is his first novel.



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Happiness Falls: A Novel

Read: September 2023

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Happiness Falls: A Novel

by Angie Kim

I highly recommend reading Happiness Falls, a book authored by Angie Kim. The story is about a family’s search for their missing father, which leads them to question their beliefs and relationships. The award-winning author of Miracle Creek writes this thrilling and emotionally profound book.

We didn’t call the police right away.” These are the first words of an extraordinary novel about a biracial Korean-American family in Virginia whose lives are upended when their beloved father and husband go missing.

Mia, the irreverent, hyper-analytical twenty-year-old daughter, has an explanation for everything—which is why she isn’t initially concerned when her father and younger brother Eugene don’t return from a walk in a nearby park. They must have lost their phone and or stopped for an errand somewhere. But by the time Mia’s brother runs through the front door bloody and alone, it becomes clear that the father in this tight-knit family is missing, and the only witness is Eugene, who has the rare genetic condition Angelman syndrome and cannot speak.

Happiness Falls is a gripping investigation that centers around a father’s disappearance and the intricate dynamics of his family. As the clock ticks, the family’s deepest secrets come to light, raising questions about love, communication, and the human experience. This novel is a thrilling blend of mystery, drama, and philosophical exploration, showcasing Angie Kim’s remarkable storytelling skills that garnered her numerous accolades for her debut novel, Miracle Creek. Through the family’s journey, Kim offers a fresh perspective on the missing person story, creating a memorable tale of a family that goes to great lengths to understand each other.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Light to the Hills

Read: January 2023

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Light to the Hills: A Novel

by Bonnie Blaylock

Light to the Hills: A Novel by Bonnie Blaylock is about Amanda Rye, a young widowed mother and traveling packhorse librarian who comes through a mountain community struck by the nation’s economic collapse in the 1930s. I recommend this page-turner as it highlights the importance of family and community. From this foundation, truth lights a path toward survival, mountain justice, forgiveness, and hope.

The novel was recommended by Olivia Hawker, bestselling author of The Fire and the Ore, who said, “Light to the Hills is a touching meditation on motherhood and the importance of community, especially during difficult times.”

Last year I read a modern tale about Appalachia, Demon Copperhead. Both are good novels but very different.

Light to the Hills was a feel-good read despite the problems faced by Ms. Rye and the MacInteer family. It was precisely the book I needed to read this week.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

The folks in the Kentucky Appalachians are scraping by. Coal mining and hardscrabble know-how are a way of life for these isolated people. But when Amanda Rye, a young widowed mother and traveling packhorse librarian, comes through a mountain community walloped by the nation’s economic collapse, she brings with her hope, courage, and apple pie. Along the way, Amanda takes a shine to the MacInteer family, especially to the gentle Rai, her quick-study daughter, Sass, and Finn, the eldest son who’s easy to warm to. They remind Amanda of her childhood and her parents with whom she longs to be reconciled.

Her connection with the MacInteers deepens, and Amanda shares with them a dangerous secret from her past. When that secret catches up with Amanda in the present, she, Rai, Sass, and Finn find their lives intersecting—and threatened—in the most unexpected ways. Now, they must come together as the truth lights a path toward survival, mountain justice, forgiveness, and hope.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Breathe

Read: September 2021

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Breathe

by Joyce Carol Oates

Celebrate JanReading Breathe by Joyce Carol Oates was a book I knew I needed to read once Jan was diagnosed. Although the book might trigger negative memories, I finally read Breathe. It was what I needed to read at this point in my journey.

Ms. Oates wrote the book in 2019 after her husband, Charlie Gross, died. The novel is a story of love, loss, and loneliness, topics that I write about on this blog. I needed to read the book both for my mental health and for the readers of Sharing Jan’s Love.

The protagonist, Michaela, loses her husband while they are on a sabbatical in New Mexico. Her husband, Gerard, writes a book and teaches a class on memories. Jan and I never considered relocating before her illness, but this book convinced me that it would have aggravated my grief journey.

One of the parallels I observed while reading the novel is the similarity between Gerard’s reluctance to let family, friends, and co-workers know of his illness. Jan shared that reluctance in the early days, but I convinced her that the only chance of beating cancer was with the help of family and friends.

This dialogue could easily be one that Jan and I had.

Of course you want to summon his family—his (adult) children—but quickly, he says no.

Still waiting.

But – When?

Just not yet.

He is not an alarmist. (You are the alarmist.)

The novel is written in two parts – The Vigil and the Post-Mortem.

The opening paragraphs set the tone.

A Hand is gripping yours. Warm, dry hand gripping your slippery, humid hand.

Whoever it is urging you – Breathe!

Leaning over you begging you – Breathe!

As one mourning the death of the love of his life, I found several phrases in the book helpful in understanding what I have gone through and will continue to confront.

Among them is grief-vise, which I have written about in this stream.

In the grip of the grief vise, all that you will do, all that you even imagine doing, will require many times more effort.. Hardly daring to breathe for the grief-vise will tighten around your chest, squeezing the very air out of your lungs.

In the early stages of grief, the vise was strangling me. Breathing was impossible, and weeping was constant at times.

Michaela struggles with her grief. Seeing her husband every time she sees a man alone, even if they are older or younger than he was. I know I have felt Jan’s presence and still expect her to walk into our apartment.

Her struggles with a grief counselor and overly helpful friends are an experience I have not had but are familiar to those suffering from losing a loved one.

The last chapters are ones in which time becomes confusing and chaotic. At times, I was uncertain about which were real or imagined. The end, like all good novels, was ambiguous.

These are some of the other phrases I have found useful and will include in posts.

  • If there is no one to love, do we merit existence?
  • Never come to the end of kissing.
  • The first principle of life is; Breathe.
  • Shy in the language of intimacy.
  • As if a life lived with strangers could compensate for the emptiness in your heart.
  • No purpose in your life. No compass.

What you love most, that you will lose. The price of your love is your loss.

I recommend this book to all readers, even those struggling with grief.

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We Were Eight Years in Power

Read: September 2020

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We Were Eight Years in Power

by Ta-Nehisi Coates

We Were Eight Years in Power by Ta-Nehisi Coates is a collection featuring the landmark essay The Case for Reparations he wrote for The Atlantic. Even though I am a subscriber to The Atlantic and have read many of the pieces, this is a must-read book as it reflects on race, Barack Obama’s presidency, and its jarring aftermath, including the election of Donald Trump.

We were eight years in power as the lament of Reconstruction-era black politicians as the American experiment in multiracial democracy ended with the return of white supremacist rule in the South. In this sweeping collection of new and selected essays, Ta-Nehisi Coates explores the tragic echoes of that history in our own time: the unprecedented election of a black president followed by a vicious backlash that fueled the election of the man Coates argues is America’s first white president.

But the story of these present-day eight years is not just about presidential politics. This book also examines the new voices, ideas, and movements for justice that emerged over this period and the effects of the persistent, haunting shadow of our nation’s old and unreconciled history. Coates powerfully examines the events of the Obama era from his intimate and revealing perspective:” the point of view of a young writer who begins the journey in an unemployment office in Harlem and ends it in the Oval Office, interviewing a president.

We Were Eight Years in Power features Coatesa’s iconic essays first published in The Atlantic, including Fear of a Black President, The Case for Reparations, and The Black Family in the Age of Mass Incarceration, along with eight fresh essays that revisit each year of the Obama administration through Coate’s own experiences, observations, and intellectual development, capped by a bracingly original assessment of the election that fully illuminated the tragedy of the Obama era. We Were Eight Years in Power is a vital account of modern America, from one of the definitive voices of this historic moment.

I recommend this book to all readers.

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